


Talk Some Sense To Me

by superscavenger



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: Angst, Erin wants to help her out, F/F, Fluff, Holtzmann's in deep, Hurt/Comfort, rating might change later on, tw: mugging, tw: panic attack
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-09-12
Updated: 2016-12-27
Packaged: 2018-08-14 15:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 15
Words: 59,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8018554
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/superscavenger/pseuds/superscavenger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Erin's minding her own business when she's on the receiving end of a certain blonde amateur robber, and things don't go quite as planned; when your victim begins to have a panic attack, you help them right? That's what robbers do...right? </p><p>Or:</p><p>Holtzmann's in a pile of shit and is going to desperate measures to make ends meet.  Erin just wants to be a good person and finds something more on the way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. How Much To Give and How Much To Take

**Author's Note:**

> HI GUYS. Hope y'all are having fun with your... lives...anyway, I'm not sure how many chapters this is gonna be, but I'm already working on chapter two. I hope the TWs I've put in the tags are enough, please just message me on tumblr @ superscavenger if they're not, I can modify them if need be. I hope y'all enjoy this. Title is taken from the song 'I Found' by Amber Run.

Looking out upon the Hudson River, Erin breathes in the cold midnight air as she leans on the railing next to the riverbank.The clouds cover almost the entire sky but the moon, so it shines brightly onto the calm water below it, the glare glistening onto Erin’s eyes.She closes them for a moment, leaning her head down and looking at her hands and touching her index finger to each fingertip on other other hand, a habit she got into when she was just a little girl.  It had always calmed her down.

She does this every night, leaning over the railing in the tranquil night.Unless she’s out late with Abby, or Patty comes knocking at her door with a pizza in hand and her Hulu password ready, she’ll leave her phone, wallet and keys with Ernie the doorman and walk over the road to Riverside Park, where there would normally still be people around.She’d watch the world and the river go by, and make up stories in her head of all of the people who would walk past, occupying herself.Tonight, though, there seems to be a distinct lank of people, and although it unsettles Erin a little, she’s not entirely worried.She’s spent her whole life thinking people are out to get her.She’s trying to get out of that habit; but still, just in case, she carries her pager and Swiss Army Knife around when she goes just in case.She’s touching her fingers to the pad of her thumb now, pressing it in time with her heartbeat, as a boat slowly sails over the river with the light softly turning on its top. 

The first time she came here, she was with her uncle, her father’s brother.He was a kind and gentle man, taken too early from the world after a short battle with lung cancer.She’d gone down to New York for the week, while her parents had a week off work.When they asked her if she wanted to go and see anybody, her uncle was immediately her first choice; she’d always loved him, and New York City.She loved the way it never sleeps, and how although people can be distant, when you get to know them they can be the most genuine human beings in the world, much like her dear Uncle Frederick.And of course, it was an escape from the parents who’d put her in therapy, and the middle school students who tortured her almost every day. 

He took her to the Riverside Park, ice creams in hand and smiles on faces, and pointed out the few landmarks over the river in New Jersey.It was that day, at 13 years old, about to go into high school, that she decided: _‘I’m going to live here one day.’_ Her uncle Frederick had laughed and said, _‘Of course you are kid.You can do anything, sweetheart, I know you can.’_ She loved him so much for that; he was the only one in her family who truly believed those words.Erin’s parents only believed that when she got into Princeton for Undergrad, then went on to become a Doctor at Columbia.Every night, she thought about her Uncle’s words.How she’d fulfilled them.Made him proud.

When she met Abby and Patty, it was at a bar close to the Columbia campus.Patty was a lecturer in the history department, and Abby was a physicist like Erin.Abby had gotten her doctorate a year before and was now a junior lecturer in the Physics department, and they’d had drinks and laughed long into the night.From then on, they’d been best friends.That had been two years ago.  So much time has passed since then, but it still feels like yesterday. 

She’s snapped out of her thoughts when she hears footsteps behind her.In turning around, she comes face to face with her worst fear.

A knife is held up near her face, and she almost leans so hard against the railing that it’ll leave bruises on her back, and she’s fighting the panic attack she knows is coming, but she can’t stop. 

‘Give me,’ the hooded figure says, almost shakily, ‘your phone and your wallet.And nobody will get hurt.’

Erin’s breath is coming thick and fast, and she knows she has to tell the figure she doesn’t have anything, and she reaches slowly into her back pocket of her jeans -

They’re the wrong pair.Her Swiss Army Knife and her pager are in her other pair. 

_Shit._

_‘_ P-please, I’m sorry I don’t…I don’t have anything,’Erin says, the first of the tears escaping from her eyes as she feels she’s slowly losing herself underwater and it’s terrifying from all angles.

‘Please don’t lie to me, please, I need you to just give me whatever you’ve got,’ the figure says again, and it’s a female voice, but she barely registers that before she’s falling into herself and gulping in breaths like it’s water, doubling over and losing her sense of gravity.  Out of nowhere, she feels strong hands catch her midway down and settle her on the floor.

Her so-called attacker is keeping her steady.

Her hood has fallen away from her head to reveal a messy head of blonde hair, all done up surprisingly well with pins while some hangs freely over her face.

‘Oh my…oh my god, okay, excuse me, Ma’am, I need you to take deep breaths for me…shit, okay, calm down sparky, you know how to do this…’ the woman says, probably talking to herself on that last part park.  But Erin is flagging; she can barely hear the voice, but it’s definitely a woman’s, a sultry voice with panic in it, which only makes Erin sink further.

‘Ok ok, ma’am I need you to look at me, look at me, please…what’s your name, sweetheart?Come on, you gotta focus your eyes on me.’

Erin looks up at the now uncovered face, and it almost strikes her; well, it would if she wasn’t still gasping for air.swimming in her own panic. 

She tries to talk, but it’s too much too soon and she begins to cry.

‘Okay, no name right now.I’ll just call you… sweetheart. Is that okay?Alright, alright sweetheart, I need you to put your hand on the top of my chest and feel the breathing.Okay? Then you’re gonna try and breathe with me.Ready?’ 

Erin’s shaking hand moves slowly, and the woman’s soft hoodie strokes her palm under her touch, and then she feels the pressure on her hand get harder, then softer, slowly.  She registers it, and begins to try and breathe with it.  It slowly levels out, the breaths now deep and slow, and she feels herself calmer, coming back almost. 

‘Okay, next thing.What do you smell, sweetheart?’

‘U-um…saltwater.Plants.Um…motor oil, I think.’

‘Good, good. What do you hear?'

‘Okay…uh…your…your voice, car horns, water splashing a little, wind in the, in the trees.’

‘Better, and what do you see?’

‘I see…I see you.’

Erin realises who’s been helping her, and jerks away, snatching her hand away from her attacker’s hoodie and stepping away from their awkward closeness near the ground.

‘What are you doing?’

The other woman rises shakily, holding a hand out tentatively to keep herself at a distance.It’s like she’s almost stopping Erin from coming any closer, even though Erin isn’t.

‘I’m sorry, God, I’m so so sorry, I’m sorry there’s no good explanation for this -‘

‘I don’t have anything, please, just leave me…alone.’

The other woman looks crestfallen.Not at Erin, not at all, she’s almost gravitating towards her, but at herself.It’s a peculiar expression that Erin sees on her face.

She rubs her face with her hand, covering the tears that are leaking from her eyes and she hates herself for it, this strange, lost woman, and Erin’s sympathy almost manifests along with her curiosity. 

Erin swears she hears another apology escape from the woman’s mouth.

Then she realises - she’s never actually done that before.The shakiness in her voice, the terror in her eyes, the way she jumped to Erin’s aid during the panic attack; she’s never tried to rob somebody before.She wonders how desperate she is to actually do that.

It surprises Erin that she hasn’t tried to extract herself from this wildly terrible and unique situation.She can’t quite believe what’s happening.

Suddenly, the other woman’s face comes into view again, eyes a little red and blonde hair a little messy, which was in a rather intricate up-do, and she takes the knife, much like Erin’s own SA knife, out of her pocket again.Erin flinches, and the woman sees it in her face; it causes a few more tears to leak out of her strikingly blue eyes.Flipping it closed in her hand, she holds it out to the physicist, who eyes it for a few seconds before continuing to stare at the other woman with a questioning look.

‘Here.You’ll need this to defend yourself from fuckers who decide to rob you, just like I just did, because I’m a fucker who apparently thinks robbing people is a good idea now.’She sniffs loudly while choking a sob back, and Erin’s sympathy pangs in her stomach.

She doesn’t want to do this.She’s not like this, not really.She’s just really fucking _desperate_.

’No, you keep that.I have my own at home, I just didn’t have it on me today.Normally do.Just my luck it wasn’t today.’  She cringes internally at her comment. Should it be seen as bizarre that she’s having a conversation with somebody who just tried to mug her? Yes. Does that stop her? 

Apparently not.

The woman’s arm drops, and her head tilts back to look at the night sky before she closes her eyes.

‘I’m Erin,’ she mutters, almost whispering it and the woman only hears it because the wind carries it that far.

The woman stands shocked for a minute before taking her black gloves off, only revealing fingerless brown leather gloves and holding out her right hand.

‘Holtzmann,’ she says quickly, only realising she’s held her hand out to her so-called mugging victim a moment later.She begins to retract her hand, aware it's incredibly weird to do that in the circumstances. Before she can, Erin’s grips onto it softly and shakes a couple of times before dropping it and putting her hands in her pockets.

It’s only the combination of shaking a barely there hand and the gaunt look about her face that makes Erin’s alarm bells ring in her head.

‘When was the last time you ate?’

‘Uhhhmm….come back round to me? I need a moment to think, um…’

It’s supposed to be a little light-hearted quip, but it becomes no more than a worrying concept to Erin. 

‘Listen, I don’t want to trouble you anymore, I’m just gonna go now…’

‘Wait.’

Holtzmann looks perplexed.Why would this woman who she’s victimised just minutes before want her to even stay in her presence?

‘There’s a way you can make it up to me, you know.’

‘I don’t really feel like there is right now,’ she says.  There's a thickness in her voice from tears just shed and tears still ready to fall. If it was her three years ago, Holtz probably would have made a joke.

She doesn’t do that much anymore.

‘Come with me, we can get some food.You can tell me how it got to this.Not… everything, but…help me understand.Why… why you felt you had to do this.’

‘Why would you want to know that?I don’t deserve your time, like at all.’

‘There’s a reason.I don’t feel like telling just at this moment, but if you come get dinner with me, I’ll tell you.And that’s for me to decide, right?’

‘I don’t have any money…’

Erin smiled just a tiny bit, not a happy one, but an understanding one.‘I gathered that when you demanded my wallet.’

Holtzmann quickly understands what she’s implying, and reels back.‘No, I can’t take your money, that’s fucked up.I just tried to rob you, I need to leave and go think about what I’ve done or…something,’ she says, rubbing a hand to the back of her head.She looks sorely uncomfortable, and Erin finds herself wanting to see the woman more at ease.

‘This isn't time out, Holtzmann, Jesus. Look, I… I don’t know what it is, but I just… I wanna help you.You’re clearly not in a good place, and I don’t want to give you sympathy or pity or whatever I just… please let me help you.  Let me get you some food, at least.’

The blonde woman looked into Erin’s eyes almost too intensely, the worried lines etched into her forehead.

‘One day, I’m gonna pay you back for this, Erin…’

‘Gilbert,’ she fills in for her, a smile fighting to appear on her face.

‘One day I will pay you back for this, Erin Gilbert.I promise.’

‘Okay.’

‘No, I mean it.Here, pinky promise.’

Erin looks at the now outstretched pinky finger, half-clad by worn brown leather, and takes a deep, shaky breath.  After clutching her own pinky round Holtzmann’s, she takes it back and begins to walk in the direction of the apartment.  They sneak the occasional glances at each other, checking whether the other was uncomfortable.  Erin can't really believe this is happening, and God knows what Holtzmann must be feeling right now.  Talk about a surreal situation.

At the edge of the park, Holtzmann stops. 

‘I um…I’m not gonna…I don’t think it’s a good idea if I know where your apartment building is.This situation is too ridiculous already, I’ll just… I’ll wait here.’

Erin nods absently, understanding Holtzmann’s reasoning.She’s a little dazed, and she thinks that maybe that’s why she didn’t think of it herself.‘Promise you’ll be here when I get back?’

The physicist knows Holtzmann is telling the truth when she nods at her, a teary smile gracing her face.This kindness is something she hasn’t seen in a very, very long time, Erin can tell.

She walks around the corner to her building, and goes in to grab her wallet, keys and phone from Ernie. 

‘Headin’ out, Doc?’

‘Yeah, feeling a late night snack.’

‘Well, missy, you be safe out there.’

‘I’ll do my best.’

Ernie smiles his genuine, toothy grin, and it reminds Erin a little of her uncle.

Despite the events of tonight, she doesn’t feel entirely unsafe.It unsettles her a little, but the pang she feels in her stomach when she sees Holtzmann waiting patiently round the corner, hands shoved into the hoodie’s pockets, is something she hasn’t felt for a while.There’s something about this weird, wild-haired amateur robber who’s gone from her mugger to her dinner companion in a matter of moments.It’s entirely strange, but Erin’s not sure she’s opposed to it all.


	2. Under the Surface

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dinner at the diner. Holtzmann's predicament becomes a little clearer to Erin over a glass of Mountain Dew.

She’s pretty lost as to why she hopes that Holtzmann hasn’t just bolted in the short time Erin’s left her.She’s so intrigued by this strange, complicated woman- there’s so much more to the story than Erin first thought.

The breath she doesn’t know she’s been holding releases when she sees the puff of blonde hair as she turns the corner, and she fights the urge to smile.She lets her lip twitch upward, just a little bit, as she sees Holtzmann’s cool breath blow out of her mouth. 

She reaches the blonde woman and shoves her hands in her pockets, looking up at Holtzmann through her eyelashes.God, this situation is awkward, but she just really wants to know what this woman is about.She’s intriguing in so many ways, and it’s driving Erin crazy.

‘I know a place down the road, the Manchester diner? It’s 24 hours, just up there.’

‘Yeah, I know it,’ Holtzmann replies quietly, not sure whether to smile or look away.It’s so much pressure that Holtzmann is all too used to, but she finds she’s not so afraid of this pressure.Not so much now, anyway.

Her head is replaying that moment, again and again and again.The moment Erin just collapses in front of her, the way she leans out to catch Erin and coaxes her from the panic attack.She feels sick just thinking about the look on Erin’s face when she realised who it was that helped her, and she closes her eyes to wipe away the memory for the moment, shielded from Erin’s view for a second as she walks just in front of her.Puffing out a breath and composing herself, Holtzmann falls into step with Erin, who glances up at her.

‘Okay…first of all…what did you do? Before this happened, I mean…before you had to do this?’

Holtzmann glanced to the other side of the street, eyes scanning the stretch of the river visible through the trees.It calms her a little.‘Well, I had a job at a school in the Upper East Side, it was a Catholic school, I was teaching science to 12 year olds who didn’t really care.It just about paid the bills, I had an apartment just on the other side in East Harlem.It was all going fine, until one of the parents came in on the parents’ evening and kinda, um, sounded bored but whatever, asked about their kid’s progress. I was honest with them, and told them I was doing my best to help them get better, despite the fact they clearly excelled in English and History.Like, the kid was reading Harry Potter quicker than I’ve seen a twelve year old read it, but his mom wasn’t happy.I kept trying, but the kid just couldn’t get his head around it.Not all of us have the brain for science, you know?Some people are good at history, geography, some people are good at languages, others are good at science.It’s the way of the world, right? Anyway, I ran into the kid’s mom in the grocery store a couple weeks after.She said I hadn’t tried hard enough to get him to like science, and I told her how incredibly good he was at English.Told her what books he was reading, how impressive it was for his age.She didn’t register any of it.She was obviously a doctor, one of those snooty types from the Upper East Side who wanted her kid to follow in her footsteps.A few days later, got called into the Principal’s office - felt like I was a kid again, pretty, stupid,’ Holtzmann recounts, Erin hanging off her every word.

‘They said a parent had complained about my ability to teach simply because this kid couldn’t do science.Like, it was no excuse to lay me off, like literally no excuse, but they were making cuts and they had another teacher who could do science as well as math.So I got fired. 

‘I didn’t have a backup plan.I didn’t have anywhere to go, I had another… it’s whatever.I just ended up on the street.I’ve been bouncing around homeless shelters for the last two years, they’re probably getting kinda sick of me,’ Holtzmann says with a mirthless chuckle.Erin’s heart drops. 

‘What a horrible woman, I’m sorry she did that to you.She had no right, it wasn’t your fault the boy didn’t have a mind for science.’

They walk up to the diner entrance, and it’s completely empty apart from one patron and one of the regulars, Benny. 

‘Hey, doll, how you doin’? Been a while since I seen you come in here,’ he says gruffly, but a smile still graces his harsh features.He’s a little like a gentle giant.

‘Yeah, just grabbing some food with my friend here,’ Erin says, calmer and more convincingly than she thought she could.It would be so, so weird if she explained the true nature of her and Holtz’s relationship.

‘I’m Benny, girlie.Good to meet ya,’ he says, genuinely smiling in Holtz’s direction, and she freezes for a second before taking the man’s outstretched hand.

‘Holtzmann, a pleasure,’ she replies smoothly, her words sounding sultry, reminding Erin of the voice she’d heard before during the panic attack.Soothing, calming.

They sit in a booth as Benny sits at the bar and finishes his decaf coffee, reading through a scrappy edition of the NY Times that has been passed around at the diner all day.The lights are dim, Holtzmann notices, and welcomes it somewhat.Erin hands Holtzmann a menu, and she takes it gingerly, still obviously uncomfortable with the idea of having somebody pay for her food. Erin doesn’t look at her menu for a moment, to gauge Holtzmann’s reaction to some of the dishes on the laminated paper.She sees her scan the bottom of the page, avoiding looking at Erin but still unaware of the other woman’s gaze, and that’s when Erin sees her eyes bug out of her skull for a moment. 

Erin scans the menu the way Holtzmann did, and looks at where she thinks her eyes went wide. _Yeah.Definitely the chilli cheese fries_.

‘What’re you thinking?’

‘Um, I, I don’t know, to be honest I’m not all that hungry -‘

‘Try telling that to somebody with a Doctorate and a younger brother with an insatiable appetite.’

‘You have a Doctorate?’

‘Don’t try and change the subject.I saw you eyeing up the chilli cheese fries, don’t you think I’ve memorised this menu top to bottom?’

‘Well…they look pretty good.’

‘They’re amazing.Trust me.Also, we’re here at the perfect time because you know the food’s all made from scratch, nobody’s been in for a few hours so they make everything new for the graveyard shift.’

‘Look at you, Miss Regular,’ Holtzmann says, a coy smile playing at her lips.Erin’s blush only appears for a fleeting moment, but Holtz catches it nonetheless.

‘Anyways…yeah.If you want chilli cheese fries, get them.’

‘Erin…’

‘Do not.With me, okay? Don’t.It’s honestly okay.I’m doing this, so deal with it.’

She swears she sees tears pooling in Holtzmann’s eyes as she watches Erin.She’d be uncomfortable if she wasn’t magnetised by the blue in those eyes.

‘You ready to order, ladies?’

The guy’s probably shorter than both of them, with a very big grin on his face, too big for 1am.

They order, Erin also adding in bottomless sodas for both of them.Holtz looks like she’s about to protest but her look is shot down by Erin’s death stare.

They’re each given a cup for the soda, and Erin swipes Holtzmann’s cup before she can rise from the booth.

‘What would you like?’

‘Surprise me,’ Holtzmann says, gracing Erin with her widest smile of the night.

She hasn’t seen a happier face in a long time when she comes back with a Mountain Dew for her.

‘How did you know?’

‘I didn’t.Just…the wacky hair, the gloves.Plus, my best friend is a scientist too and we’re both practically addicted to the stuff, it’s pretty bad.’

‘Yeah, so you mentioned the Doctorate back there.Care to elaborate, Dr. Gilbert?’

‘Well, I’m a Doctor of Particle Physics at Columbia. Did my undergrad at Princeton, then my postgrad at Columbia before becoming a lecturer. I’m a Professor now, have been for a year, it’s been pretty good.College students can be a little more perceptive that middle school students,’ Erin quips, and Holtzmann’s shoulders shake a little.

‘That’s incredible Erin, though it doesn’t entirely surprise me that you’re super smart,’ Holtzmann replies, a slight smirk on her face. 'But yeah, I suppose.I never really wanted to teach anyway, wasn’t exactly my life’s ambition.’

‘What was?’

‘I wanted to work for NASA.’

It’s Erin’s turn to let her eyes bug out of her skull.

‘NASA? Wow, that’s ambitious.’

‘Shouldn’t have been, for me.You’re not the only Doctor at this table, Erin,’ she says quietly, her head ducked down a little as if trying to quell any arrogance she thinks she’s emitted.Erin’s nothing but impressed.

‘That’s incredible, Holtzmann.Where did you graduate from?’

‘Mmphitff.’

‘Holtzmann.’

‘MIT. Undergrad and Doctorate, anyway.I was at Stanford for my Masters.’

‘…Oh my God.MIT?’

Holtzmann just nods sadly.She remembers it like it was yesterday.Life seemed so much simpler, even though she was building the most incredible things there.

Erin looks a little shellshocked.She sits for a moment or so and before they know it, their food is being put in front of them and she wouldn’t be surprised if she sees Holtz’s mouth water.

She glances up, only to find Holtzmann looking unsure once again, neither of them having started food. 

‘Dig in, go, eat!’ Erin exclaims, a smile on her face as she picks up her own knife and fork.

Holtzmann’s stomach groans appreciatively after the first few bites, and she has the decency to look a little embarrassed.erin just laughs it off, finally composing herself enough to ask a little more about MIT.

‘So I’m guessing you specialise in Engineering then?’

‘Yeah, robotic type stuff.Had a stint working the military too, only a junior thing, but I had to quit.’

‘How come?’

Holtzmann freezes, unable to answer.

‘Sorry.Too much. I’m sorry,’ Erin says, guilt spreading across her features.

‘No, don’t be. I just… it’s a little… sensitive.I don’t tell people about it because it gives them the wrong impression, sometimes.’

‘I understand.But remember we’ve been through first impressions and they’re not always all they seem, right?’

Holtzmann looks at her fully as she chews, sharing a soft smile.This woman is literally sent from the man upstairs.Holtzmann is absolutely convinced of it.She hasn’t been treated this well since she got her doctorate years ago.

They eat in a semi-comfortable silence, until Holtzmann puts her cup down a little too roughly and sets her knife and fork down suddenly.

‘You okay?’

‘Yeah.Can I um…do you mind if I get some air, it’s kinda…it’s kind of stuffy in here.’

‘Not at all, sure.Just…’ _come back._ ‘Yeah. Go for it.’

Hotly lets out a shaky breath as she rises from the table, going to the side door and opening it fully, letting it close behind her.

She takes the breaths in gulps, setting her hands on her thighs to steady her frame.This is just too much.Her life is going to come crashing down even further on her tomorrow, and here she is ignoring it and being bought dinner by her mugging victim.It’s all so fucked up, and Holtzmann feels like she doesn’t deserve any of it.

‘I knew I recognised you.’

She bolts upright to see Benny smoking a cigarette, leaning up against the wall.

‘Um…I don’t recall meeting you, sir, sorry,’ she says meekly, almost scared of what might come next.

‘You were rooting through the dumpster a couple days back. Looking for food, parts, something, who the hell knows.’

Holtzmann’s eyebrows knit together, almost fearful of the situation. 

‘You homeless?’

She hangs her head in shame as she nods.She’s fighting tears under the guise of her blonde tufts covering her face, and she hears footsteps coming towards her.

‘That woman in there?I ain’t ever seen somebody with a better heart.So whatever you did for her to deserve being her friend?Musta been pretty damn good, doll.Don’t fuck her over, be honest with her, you hear me?She’s under my protection.And a few other people I imagine, too.’

Holtzmann nods, swiping quickly at the stray tear that escapes and looking Benny straight in the eyes. ‘I promise I won’t.’

‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’

‘I don’t.’

‘Good. Here,’ he says, taking Holtzmann’s hand and putting an undisclosed dollar bill in it, and Holtzmann’s eyes go wide with surprise.

‘Just accept it, and don’t spend it on shit you don’t need.Save that for something you know you need, you hear me?’

She nods once more, another tear leaking from her eye.Benny smiles kindly, and claps Holtzmann on the shoulder before walking through the diner to the front door, saying goodbye to Erin on his way out.Holtz enters a moment later, sitting back in the booth. 

_Don’t fuck her over. Be honest with her._

’I’m about to be in some really deep shit tomorrow.’

Erin looks mildly concerned, but continues to ask anyway.

‘Can I ask why?’

‘I had a job for a while, just a crappy one at a launderette, and I was using all the money to pay for something every week. That’s why I was going round homeless shelters, I just had to keep paying for the thing, and I lost the job two weeks ago.Tomorrow, I owe them again and I’m not going to be in a good place,’ she explains, her voice beginning to crack. ‘That’s why I tried to do this, Erin.I’m not asking for money, I’m not asking for any more help, you’ve already done so much I don’t deserve.I tried to take your things because I was just so fucking desperate, and I know that doesn’t excuse what I did at all. I didn’t know what else to do.I don’t want her to see me like this, but now I don’t have a choice.’

Erin looks so worried, and she is - has she just bought dinner from a drug addict? Was she in the mafia? Who knows what Holtz could be needing to pay off.

‘What’s the matter, Holtzmann?Who can’t you pay?’

Holtz leans back dejectedly into the booth, puffing out a breath and letting tears fall from her eyes properly now, no real emotion showing on her face.She just looks tired.

‘The person who looks after my baby sister.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you're enjoying this fic, and thank you for all the comments so far! Keep telling me what you think, it's great for my idea networking!


	3. Spark To Force Your Own Ignition

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin's resolve builds as she tries to help Holtzmann in her endeavours, and Abby's noticing something super weird going on with her best friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys! Thank you so much for all the kudos and comments, I'm really enjoying getting this one down. Keep reading and commenting, it's wonderful to see you guys liking this one. Hit me up with questions @ superscavenger.  
> P.S. Any physics/american college information mistakes I've made are my own, I'm just not entirely versed on either. Let me know if there's anything pressing I could change.

Erin takes a few moments to put the facts together in her head.Holtzmann has a sister.That’s literally the only reason she did this; she didn’t want to hurt anybody, but if it meant making sure her baby sister is okay and fed and has a roof over her head, she’d do anything.Erin doesn’t pretend she entirely gets it, being an only child with few friends to speak of, but she understands why somebody would.As the cogs operate in Erin’s mind, she doesn’t notice a few tears slipping down Holtzmann’s cheeks, and she’s covering her face again like she did before, embarrassed that someone so kind and compassionate has to see her like this. When Erin looks up, she sees the wet, raggedy sleeve of Holtz’s hoodie swiping at her red eyes, her mouth scrunched into a childlike put.She looks distraught, and it stirs something in Erin’s stomach she’s too terrified to address.

‘It’s okay to cry, you know,’ Erin all but whispers, making eye contact with Holtzmann.They stare at each other for a short moment, and it’s almost intimate, before Holtzmann can’t take the silence any more and sniffles, grabbing a napkin out of the dispenser on the table and hastily wiping her nose with it.

‘I um…I just felt as if you should know.It’s not fair to put this all on you, and as I say it’s not an excuse I just…I would never do this.She is the only reason I would even think about doing something I did to you and I’m going to regret it for the rest of my life, I know it, but I just needed you to know the truth.Gotta love the classic honesty-past-2am, huh,’ she mutters bitterly, a sad smile reaching her face as she tries to hold back more tears. 

Holtzmann is definitely not a crier, not normally.She dislocated her shoulder once, and she didn’t shed one tear; the kids that called her the crazy science dyke at school never even made her flinch.She just kept it all inside; she knew it was unhealthy, but then she’d buy a bunch of old plates from the thrift shop, take them round the back and use the old baseball her papa gave her to smash them one by one, imagining it was the dickheads who ever did her wrong.That baseball is still sitting in her hoodie pocket, one of the few things she owns that she can never get rid of.There’s a faded signature on it, but Holtzmann just can’t bring herself to take it to a pawn shop and find out the value.She guesses now that it’s her only shot at paying for her sister’s accommodation.

Erin puffs out a long breath, one she didn’t know she’d been holding, and scrunches up the napkin in her hand, clutching it for dear life. 

‘I could help you find somewhere.’

Holtzmann looks up, startled by Erin’s soft yet sudden outburst.

‘What?’

‘To live.You and your sister.Living on the streets is no place for you, and especially not for her.How…how old is she, can I ask?’

‘She’s 7.And no, Erin.I’m sorry, I just…I feel like I’ve already taken too much from you.That’s all I’ve done, and tried to do, and I’ve only known you a few hours and they’ve been the most embarrassing of my life and I can’t…I can’t take anything else from you.’

‘I just want you to not have to be in this situation again.It’s horrible to see people…you… get to that, that situation.I just…I hate seeing people like this.’

‘I don’t want you feel sorry for me, Erin,’ Holtzmann sighs, thinking she was getting yet another pity party.She’d had too many of those over the last few years, and it was getting too tedious to bear.

‘I don’t feel sorry for you.I want to help you.I feel like maybe, because of the people you’ve known recently you don’t remember that those are two different things.I’m guessing you don’t have a phone…’

‘No, there’s a payphone next to where I go at night, usually, um…’Holtz looks around for a pen, slightly confused as to why she’s going along with this, but carries on nonetheless, and Erin pulls one out of her jacket pocket and hands it to her.She grabs a napkin and scribbles the number on it quickly, having memorised for her sister’s landlady of sorts.

‘I’ll call you tomorrow, around two, see if I can find somewhere for you to stay until you can get a job.I know people around, I’ll do my best -‘

‘Why me?’

That stops Erin in her tracks.

‘I’m sorry?’

‘Why are you choosing to help me? It can’t be because I tried to rob you, so how come…how come you’re choosing me?’ Holtz forgets herself, and shakes her head a little before continuing. ‘To give me kindness?’

Erin leans back in the booth, not taking her eyes off Holtz.She’s getting more and more comfortable keeping eye contact with her, and the back of her mind registers it as a really good sign.She looks down, touching her thumb to each fingertip once again, keeping herself grounded as she admits the truth.

‘Nobody has ever helped me so well during a panic attack before.My parents didn’t really understand what was um…what was happening, and my teachers would just sit there until it passed, like I was in detention or something, they’d just dismiss me; they definitely wouldn’t try to calm me down.I would rock back and forth feeling like I was underwater and terrified in my own head for 10 freaking minutes and they’d sit there and do nothing.But you…you just did it exactly the right way.You pulled me out quicker than anybody ever has, even though you were kind of the cause of it.You made sense while I was trapped.Nobody’s ever done that for me before.I guess this is just me trying to thank you for that.Also, I don’t know what it is, but… you seem like you really are a good person, despite what happened.I think you deserve better than what you’re going through.I know…I know this situation is fucked up, believe me I do.But I wanna try and let go of what happened tonight, not right now, but over a bit of time.Because you’re truly a good person, Holtzmann, I really believe that. I do.’

Holtzmann looks as if she’s about to cry again, as a couple of tears make tracks down Erin’s cheeks.Holtz finds herself desperately wanting to wipe them away with her thumb, but as Erin said: she needs time.She’s going to respect everything Erin says to her from now on, she decides; apart from her sister, there’s nobody else’s opinion worth respecting.She didn’t think she’d find that in anybody but her sister until now.

She’s pulled out of her deep thoughts when she sees Erin trying to get her attention.

‘What’s your sister’s name?’

‘Oh. It’s Britt.Short for Brittany, obviously, um, yeah.Britt.’

‘That’s pretty.’

‘So is she.More than pretty, she’s my beautiful little sister.And I’d do anything for her.’

They share a look of understanding, before Holtz makes to get up.

Erin’s about to follow when a thought pops into her head, and Holtzmann sees the cogs moving and stops them before they start.

‘Are you sure you don’t wanna…’

‘Nope.As I say, already done enough for me, especially for one day.Don’t worry about me, Gilbert.I’ll survive until tomorrow.’

They both saunter out of the diner, stopping and looking each other on the doorstep.

‘Two O’Clock, on the dot.I’m ringing you.’

‘I got it.’

‘You’ll pick up, right?’

Holtzmann swipes her eyes up and down Erin for a second, not quite believing this angel actually exists in real life.

‘Yeah, I will.’

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

Erin tosses and turns that night more than she has in almost 2 years.She can’t believe the events of the evening transpired the way they did; she got mugged, had dinner with said mugger, and promised to help said mugger. 

What the everliving _fuck_ was she thinking?

But then, she can’t exactly say she regrets her actions. What she did was, essentially, the right thing; and she simply wants to help Holtzmann, who’s been in a rough patch for too long.It’s just human kindness.

Right?

Sighing heavily, Erin pulls herself out of bed, giving up on sleep and goes into the bathroom, turning on the shower sleepily.The water runs down her back, releasing the tension in her muscles she didn’t really know was there.She doesn’t know how she’s going to help Holtz, not yet.But goddamn it, she really, really wants to try.After stepping out of the shower fifteen minutes later, she sidles into her room and falls onto the edge of the bed, sitting hunched in her towel as her body gets used to the cool room once more.She puffs out a long drag of air, and pulls her hand through her wet locks, and looks at the curtains she’s too lazy to pull open at the moment.

She has until 2, so - she looks at her watch - 8 hours and 15 minutes.

Her game plan’s decided when she’s brewing coffee in her spacious kitchen, listening the quiet grinding of the beans as she gazes out of her window.She’s got a pretty view out here; it keeps her calm, sometimes, when she’s feeling as if the whole world’s constricting her on those days when people are just too much for her or there’s one equation she just can’t crack.She really lucked out with this apartment, she knows that.She can’t help but feel that sometimes, though, it just gets a little…lonely.She glances over at the room she has yet to fill, empty with bland walls and a view of the bustling New York streets. Her mind wanders to a woman with puffy blonde hair before she shakes off the thoughts mulling around her head and takes a sip of her freshly brewed coffee.

Erin knows she can find somewhere for Holtzmann to go, she’s got a gut feeling about it.There’s Jane, who owns a homeless shelter down the street who would gladly take her in…if she didn’t know her yet… or maybe she could help her find a job at hostel - somewhere to work, eat and live at the same time.It’s not ideal for her little sister, but it would do.She runs into her room to get dressed, promptly forgetting that it’s 6am.Nothing’s going to be open, but she gets ready all the same, and storms out of the door with a renewed spring in her step.She resolves to run down to the homeless shelter near her to see what she can do, then she has a class to teach at 9 before she can go down to the three hostels near her if there’s no luck anywhere else.It never once crosses her mind as she hurriedly locks the door to her apartment, heading for the elevator, that this could become one the worst ideas she’s ever had, or the best ideas she’s ever had. 

Screw it.People only live once.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Dammit,’ Erin mutters under her breath, walking out of the third and final hostel. 

She knew she’d be in for a rough time, but she didn’t think that this would end up being an impossible task.After all, there are quite a few homeless people in New York City.They all need jobs, don’t they? Hiring them at lower levels is the perfect way to get them back on their feet, but nope.No opportunities for the people that need them most. _Well done America_ , Erin thinks.

The physicist walks dejectedly into the Starbucks, seeing Abby sat at a sofa in the back corner of the small coffee shop, two medium lattes with hazelnut and cinnamon syrup on a tray on the table.The other woman’s staring down at her phone, and is pulled out of her concentration when the chair scrapes back and Erin sits dejectedly, grabbing at her cinnamon latte and taking a large sip.

‘Rough day? It’s only 1:30,’ Abby quips, finishing an email on her phone before putting it down and picking up her own beverage, throwing Erin a concerned look.

‘Yeah.I’ve been pretty busy and it’s been kinda fruitless is all, Plus 9 of the 14 students claimed they ‘forgot’ their midterm coursework, I mean if you’re at Columbia you don’t forget your midterm coursework, right?That’s what you’re supposed to stress about every night for like a month.That’s what I did anyway.’

‘It’s a freshman class, Erin, what do you expect? They’re at that point where they realise that the first year of college is a little bit easier than high school, so they flunk a little bit, but I bet a lot of them are still stressing about it…college kids are weird.We’re all weird,we’re scientists.It’s awesome to be weird, but we do things a little differently.The freshman are a difficult bunch, I had one freshman class last semester.Man, they were fun.’

‘I wish mine were.’

‘Are you doing that thing again, where you’re trying too hard?I love you, Er but you really do throw yourself into stuff sometimes, like head first without really knowing what you’re gonna hit at the bottom and it’s like, sometimes, you’re like, diving in a pool that’s not exactly, too, shallow but you have to like, dodge the floor when you hit the water because if you don’t you might, you know, hit your,’ Abby rambles, trying to do a hand motion signalling an up-down-up curve, ‘hit your head, you see what I’m-‘

Erin’s face is part confusion, part more confusion and part very, very tired.

‘Okay you get my point, but yeah.Just ease up, and see how it goes.Don’t try and be the cool professor, just…I don’t know, have a little bit of fun.Do some wacky experiments with them.’

‘Did you forget I do theoretical physics, or was that just a bad joke?’

‘…I’m sorry.My bad, I’m clutching at straws here ,you know how it is.’ 

They laugh a little together, and Erin fights her instinct to spill everything to Abby.This is something she needs to do on her own.She knows it, helping Holtzmann, aka the woman who tried to mug her, is not something she should tell Abby about because Abby may well kill Holtzmann. And Patty…God knows what Patty would do.

‘What else you been doing?You only have one class today, right?Other one was cancelled.’

‘Um…nothing much.’

Erin’s look gives it away completely; Abby knows that face anywhere, anytime.Erin mentally kicks herself when she sees Abby’s eyebrow go up.

‘What are you up to, Erin Gilbert?’

‘….Nothing.’

‘Mhmm.Well um…I have, I have some news, anyway, because I’m on a part-time with Columbia and it’s not exactly paying the rent, I have managed to find myself a researching position.’

’No way, really?!Abby that’s amazing, why didn’t you lead with that?!’

‘Eh, didn’t wanna cause too much excitement, it’s over at the Kenneth P. Higgins Institute.They’ve given me a lab, tons of crap in there I don’t know what to do with, and they allow me to pick my own research.I just said I wanted to do practical physics research. I’m set really.’

‘What’s the field?’

Abby’s face falls a little.

‘Don’t laugh.’

‘Why would I laugh?’

‘You’ll laugh, I’ll know you’ll laugh,’ Abby says quickly.

‘Just tell me!’

‘Researchintotherealmoftheparanormalandthesupposedentitieswithinit.’

That stops Erin right in her tracks. 

‘…You’re researching the existence of ghosts?’

‘Dammit, I thought you might not hear it and just sorta pretend to, understand,’ she babbles, Erin talking over a her a little, ‘me,’

‘No I got it,’

‘But you -’

‘Yeah I got it,’

‘Okay.’

Erin can’t believe it.After small talk and mutual interest, they’d began writing a book, but the idea fizzled out quickly.Erin had just gotten onto tenure track and Abby was racing through her first few months as a lecturer, and time just caught up with them.Abby knew about Erin’s past experiences, so to speak.Normally they just tried to avoid the subject.

They sit in a somewhat awkward silence for a few moments, before Erin looks as if she’s about to ask a question.

‘I mean, we never did finish the book, did we?’

’It was just a little idea then I s’pose,’ Abby replies, sipping at her coffee.She feels slightly more at ease now she knows Erin isn’t bursting into fits of laughter at her.

‘Does Columbia know about this?’

‘They don’t need to know, and it shouldn’t matter anyway, I’m not on tenure track like _somebody_.’

‘Ha, ha.Well, if you ever need a little help on equations I’m game for work nights.’

‘You are the best of friends. Hey, speaking of, your don’t know anybody who knows their way around machines, do you?I need someone who can help sort out the junk in my lab.Not bad money, either, considering the position.’

Erin’s eyes pop wide open.

‘Abby, you just solved my problem.’

‘I…you had a, problem?’

‘Yes!’ Erin says, an almost _shit-eating_ grin on her face.‘I have a friend!She’s an engineer! She needs a job kind of badly right now, actually, this is perfect!’ 

‘Erin are you serious?Because this saves my ass a whole-lot of poster sticking and interviewing, if it’s literally just one person.’

‘She’s an MIT graduate, I’m sure you’ll want her on board.Do you want me to go talk to her?Tell her you’d like a word?’

‘Well, yeah, that’d be great, shall have like a meet and greet or something?’

‘Sounds good, my apartment?’

‘It it’s good for her it’s good for me.Damn, Erin Gilbert, there you go again, solving my problems.You know you’re one of a kind, right?’

She’s midway through getting up, when she turns around and sees the proud smile on Abby’s face.There’s a little pang right in her heart.

‘Thanks, Abby.’

She makes her way to the outside of the Starbucks, pulling out the napkin with the number on it.Checking her watch, she sees it’s only 1:48pm.Hell, she can give it a shot, right?

Dialing the number, she nervously touches the call icon and presses the phone to her ear.Her heart’s in her mouth and she can’t really believe she’s got good news for Holtzmann.She doesn’t think she’ll pick up, but it’s worth a try.

She picks up on the first ring, because of course she does…

‘Yello?’

‘Holtzmann? It’s Erin.From…from last night.’

‘I think I’d remember you, just maybe,’ she says, her voice laced with a touch of humour and a small amount of guilt.The pang in her heart is felt once more.’

‘I have bad news, and very, very good news.’

‘Fire away, Gilbert, whatever it is it’s better than on my end,’ the other woman says, clearly focused on the good news.

‘I don’t have an immediate home plan for you, but I’ve got you a kind of job interview.And I think it’ll fit you right down to a tee.’

‘Gilbert!You are a star and all the other stars, oh my god.What is it?’

‘Let’s just say it fits your interests and your strengths.Come to my apartment later on today?Say, 4:30?My friend is the one who’s hiring, she’s gonna come round and meet you. If that’s okay?’

‘Of course! Jesus, do you know how amazing this is?I don’t even know what I might be doing yet and I’m so stoked.’

’I’ll give you a sneak peek; science,’ Erin giggles, not even noticing the sounds coming out of her mouth.

She swear she’s hears an excited gasp from the other end of the phone, but decides not to follow it up any further.’

‘So 4:30, my place?’

‘Um… I don’t…’

‘Oh, crap on a cracker, I’m sorry, you don’t know where I live,’ Erin says, cringing at her own forgetfulness.She’s probably just made things even more awkward between them.Shit.

‘Crap on a cracker?You really are a professor,’ Holtzmann says with a chuckle.‘It’s okay, I get it.It um…it feels like we’ve known each other a little longer than 14 hours.’

‘Yeah, it really does,’ Erin replies wistfully, looking back into the coffee shop, where Abby’s sipping on her coffee and smiling absently.

‘How about I meet you outside the park, where I waited last night for you?You can walk me back.Shit!’ Holtzmann exclaims suddenly.

‘What?’

‘I…I have to bring Britt with me.She gets out of school at 3pm and I’ve already had to move what little we have out of the apartment she was in.I’m so sorry, I don’t know…’

‘Holtz, calm down.You can bring Britt.Of course you can bring Britt.’

She hears a puff of air being let out over the phone. ‘Phew, okay. Thank you, Erin, so, so much.For everything.You truly are a guardian angel.Man, that sounded cheesy, I’m sorry for that too.’

‘It’s okay, just trying to help.’

It’s like she can hear the smile on the other end of the line.She hopes Holtz feels the same way.

‘Okay.See you at four thirty.’

‘Yeah.Bye Erin,’ Holtz says.She waits for Erin to hang up first.

Abby pretends not to notice the lingering smile on Erin’s face as she sidles back up to her chair.

‘All good?’

‘Yeah.Come round about six thirty?’

‘Perfect.Should I bring food?’

‘It’s okay, we…I can eat first.You have enough problems at the Chinese food place trying to get one order right, let alone…three.’

Abby narrows her eyes at Erin’s hesitant wording.God, if she only knew the whole story.

Which she won’t.Ever.Not right now, anyway, _definitely_ not right now.

‘Alright, suits me fine,’ Abby says, letting Erin relax a little bit.She’ll find out what Erin’s up to.She always knows when something’s off with her best friend.Always.

They part ways at the door of the Starbucks, and Erin can’t hold back the smile playing on her lips.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmmm...will it work out?


	4. Who Am I To Keep You Down

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Erin meets a certain little Holtzmann and the not-so-little Holtzmann frets about her upcoming interview.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEY GUYS. Thanks for all your comments and kudos so far, they're wonderful to see so please keep them coming! I'd like to thank my beta on this chapter, Rose, she's on tumblr at highwaytohell-a. Give her a follow, she's rad. 
> 
> Enjoy, friends.

‘JJ!’

‘PB, hey sweetheart!’  A little girl jumps into Jillian’s arms, no more than 7 years old, and she deftly picks her off the ground.  If there’s one thing Holtzmann always loves, it’s the feeling of an all-encompassing hug from her little sister.  She’s the most important thing in the world, and goddammit, she always will be.  She puts her down a little after Britt begins fiddling with her yellow glasses, smiling fondly as she does so.

‘How was school, babe?’

‘Was good.  Learned how to sew today, it was cool, and we also learned about energy in science.  It’s awesome, it never disappears, it just changes!’

‘That is absolutely right!  We’re gonna make a scientist out of you yet,’ Holtz says with a passing chuckle. 

The girl just laughs along with her big sister, and they begin to walk hand-in-hand, in the direction of Riverside Park.

‘JJ, where we going? This isn’t the way back to Ms. O’Callaghan’s,’ Britt observes, looking around a little before casting her eyes upon Jillian’s uncertain expression.  _God, this is gonna be hard_ , Jillian thinks.

She decides to stop them, crouching down in front of Britt and taking her hands softly.  Britt only likes it when Jillian crouches down in front of her.  Nobody else can do that. 

‘Sweetheart…we aren’t going back to Ms. O’Callaghan’s.  I…we can’t go back there anymore.’

‘We don’t have enough money, do we?’

Jillian’s eyes close slowly, tears fighting to escape as she marvels at her sibling’s perceptiveness.  

‘No, baby, we don’t.  But where we’re going right now?  I have an interview for a job.  I don’t know if I’ll get the job, but I think I really have the right skills to get this one, and it pays lots better than the one where we used to wash our clothes, do you remember?’ Britt nods quickly, almost ushering her older sister to continue.  ‘We’re gonna meet the person who got me the interview first, and she’s super super nice, like, amazing nice. Her name is Erin.’

‘How’d you meet her?’

Jillian’s eyes bug out for a moment, and she looks away and puffs out a breath before turning back to Britt, whose eyes are wide with curiosity.

‘It’s complicated, babe, but she’s a wonderful woman, I promise.  You’re never gonna meet somebody more awesome.’

‘I met you though!’ 

The smile on Britt’s face is enough to make Holtzmann sweep her up in her arms again, carrying her through to the entrance of Riverside Park.  They still have some time before Erin arrives, so she decides they can find a bench in the park and watch the world go by.  They love people-watching together; it’s their little thing, and Jillian’s silently thanking whatever god there is that Britt enjoys it so much; there isn’t much else they can do.

They sit on a bench, Britt’s leg’s swung over Jillian’s lap as she tucks into her older sibling’s side.  A businessman walks past, and Jillian peers down at Britt, eyebrow raised in question.  Her little sister smiles and puts on a thinking face, and the laugh it elicits from Jillian makes Britt so, so happy.

Britt’s always thought she really lucked out with a sister like JJ.  She sees how worried she gets when she can’t pay for stuff, and when they had to sleep in homeless shelters for a while; secretly, she’s kind of glad that she doesn’t have to sleep at Mrs. O’Callaghan’s anymore.  She was mean, and it meant she didn’t see JJ as much, which hurt a lot because she’s the only family she has.  It wasn’t like Mrs. O’Callaghan was ever super mean to her - she didn’t hit Britt or anything - but she was just so snippy and sometimes she said kind of nasty things about JJ and she didn’t want to be around her anymore.  Although she knows that the next few days, weeks, maybe even months are going to be difficult, she’s okay with it because she knows that as long as JJ is with her, she’s gonna be okay.  She loves her sister more than anything in the world.

‘Okay.  So he’s just gotten off work at Wall Street, and now he’s gonna go down to his secret lair where he’s actually a supervillian version of Batman and he’s gonna do supervilliany things to the city.’

‘Ah!’ Jillian replies, seeing a woman with a satchel bag walk in the other direction.  ‘But this is our superhero friend, her name is Rockefeller Woman, and she’s gonna stop supervillain Batman tonight!  She knows what’s gonna happen and she’s ready for it!’

‘JJ… it’s okay not to know what’s gonna happen, right?  Because we don’t know what’s gonna happen, do we?  But it’s okay, right?’

‘Baby, it’s true, we don’t know exactly what’s gonna happen, but all you need to know is, that I’m always gonna protect you.  Okay? Whatever happens, I’m gonna be right here.  I’m never leaving you again, do you hear me?  I’m sorry I left you with her, I shouldn’t have done that, but it was the only way to make sure you were safe.  I know that wasn’t the best thing to do now, and I think we just gotta stick together.’  She holds out her hand, offering Britt the opportunity to do their handshake. ‘PB and JJ forever, yeah?’ 

‘Forever.’  They sideways five, fist bump and elbow bump, before giggling a little too hard in what is a grey afternoon sky, pockets of sun fighting their way through the clouds below.

‘Hey!  I almost forgot! Close your eyes.’

‘Whaaaaaaat?’ She pulls a mock surprised face, eyes widening and Britt laughs; it’s music to Jillian’s ears.

‘Just do it! Please?’

‘Alllriiiiight,’ she replies, rolling her head back dramatically and clamping her eyes shut.  She hears the giggles from beside her, and a zip being opened and closed.

‘Okay, open!’

In front of her are a packet of Reese’s peanut butter cups, and her eyes almost cross as she zeroes in on the treats. 

‘PB!  Where’d you get these, babe?’

‘I won them.’

Britt looks so proud of herself, and Jillian can’t stop her own heart from swelling with pride as she lets Britt press the packet into her hands.

‘How did you win them, sweetheart?’ Jillian asks, pushing back a few strands of light brown hair from her sister’s face.  She reminds her so much of their father, it’s almost painful; but she’s too beautiful for it to hurt.

‘We did a running race in gym today, and I was the fastest by 2 seconds!’

‘Two seconds?  Baby, that’s a huge gap!  It really is!  Most runners in the Olympics don’t even win by a second,’ Jillian says, absolutely telling the truth.  Britt’s always been very good at running; she would know, she used to have problems chasing her round the house when was little to get her dressed for preschool.

‘That’s what coach said!  These were my prize, but I want you to have them.’

‘No, sweetheart, I can’t take your hard earned trophies,’ Jillian said, head cocking to the side as she leans back against the bench.

‘I want you to!’

‘Tell you what.  I’ll have one, and you have two.  How does that sound?’

‘Hmmm…’

‘I uh, hope I’m not interrupting important snack time.’

Jillian’s head whips round, and sees Erin standing in front of her, holding a bag of chinese takeout; she’s wearing a white and blue striped shirt and a Barbour waxed jacket, her jeans tucked perfectly into her brown ankle boots.  She looks like some goddamn English countryside angel, and Jillian has to snap herself out of it. 

She lifts Britt off her lap and takes her hand, leading them tentatively towards Erin.

‘Erin, hey.  How are you?’

‘I’m good, I’m really good.’

‘Good, I’m glad.’

‘I got takeout for us all, hope you like honey chilli chicken and beef and broccoli.’

‘Oh man, you didn’t have to do that, Erin!’

‘Shh. Don’t mention it. This must be Britt?’

‘It certainly is.  Britt, this is my friend Erin,’ she says, knowing they certainly hadn’t said anything about being friends.  She feels like Erin has been a good friend to her though, just in this last day.  She silently scolds herself for her choice of words, but she doesn’t really know what else to say.

‘Hi, Miss Erin!’  Britt lets go of Holtz’s hand and thrusts it at Erin, waiting for a handshake.  Erin looks appropriately taken aback by the girl’s confidence, but she seems extremely impressed.  Holtz takes so much pride in the little girl she gets to call her sister.

‘Hello, it’s very nice to meet you!  You have a pretty cool sister, you know,’ Erin says, taking her hand and giving it a short but firm shake.

Britt decides, in that moment, that she likes Erin.  She complimented her sister, her smile was nice…and she didn’t crouch down.

Yeah, she really likes Erin.

The Reese’s have been completely forgotten in Jillian’s limp hand as they begin to walk in the direction of Erin’s apartment, Britt animatedly striking up conversation with their newfound companion.

’What do you do, Miss Erin?’

‘Just Erin’s okay, Britt, don’t worry.’

‘Okay, Just Erin.  What do you do?’  Britt’s cheeky smile tells Erin she’s kidding, and with a glance up at Holtz’s proud smirk, she can tell she learnt if from the best.

‘I teach science at Columbia University,’  Erin replies, keeping her attention on Britt as Holtz almost sweats in her worn out checkered shirt, aware that she needs to make a good impression on both Erin and her interviewer later on.

‘What kind of science?’

Erin glances up at Holtz once again, who gives her a shrug and a smile as Erin looks back down at Britt to answer.  She’s clearly impressed by the inquisitiveness of her little sister.

‘I teach something called particle physics,’ Erin replies, her hands going in her pockets as they saunter through the exit of the park.

‘Cool! Particles…they said that in science today, is that about what stuff makes up the universe?’

‘Yes, actually, that’s exactly it!’ Erin’s smile could light up a thousand suns, and Britt’s could light up a million.  It makes Jillian so, so happy when she sees her little sister take pride in her intelligence.  She hopes more people can do that for themselves; enough people dumb themselves down on this planet…including herself.

‘Cool!  I like science, but I really love running too!’

‘That’s awesome!  You know, I used to run.  I did long-distance running, and I still do it now, just without the competition.’

‘You do?’  It’s the older Holtzmann that pipes up now, impressed at Erin’s admission.

‘Yeah, cross-country.  I was the fastest at Princeton for a while.’

‘That’s impressive, Gilbert,’ Holtzmann declares, grinning widely as Erin takes her keys out of her purse and turns into the next apartment building, getting buzzed in by Ernie, who’d just gotten back on shift.

‘Hey, Ernie, how you doing today?’

‘Good as always, Miss Gilbert, and yourself?’

‘Wonderful, thank you.  These are my friends Holtzmann and Britt, they’re here for a few hours,’ she says in passing.

‘Okie doke, hello there young lady, and how are you doing today?’

Britt gets a little shyer, grabbing Jillian’s hand as she replies to the doorman.  ‘I’m okay, thank you.’

‘Now if y’all need anything, you let me know okay?’

Britt and Jillian nod, and Erin’s heart skips a beat at how startlingly similar they look in the moment.  They really are a dynamic duo.

‘Thanks Ernie, I’ll see you later.’

They ride up to the 11th floor in the elevator, and saunter out, Erin and Britt still animatedly chatting.

That’s when Holtzmann notices it.

‘Uh, Gilbert, I’m gonna go out on a limb here and say you don’t have a swimming pool in your apartment?’

The confused look on Erin’s face is quickly replaced by horror as they see standing water pooling at the bottom of Erin’s door.

‘Oh, God,’ she mutters under her breath, running to the door and turning the key in the lock, letting her eyes rest on the mess that is her kitchen.

The sink’s pipe has obviously burst, and Erin wants to burst into tears.

‘Oh boy,’ Jillian says, looking around at the floor and the kitchen.  The water only touches just above the soles of all their pairs of boots, but it’s enough to have ruined the pseudo-wooden floor beneath.

As Erin dumps her things on the counter, her feet sloshing through the water, Jillian puts down her own bags and the Reese’s stalks over to the sink, crouching down to look at the damage.  She glances round seeing Britt stand awkwardly by the door.

‘Close the door, babe, it’s okay,’ she says to Britt, who looks up and does so attentively. ‘Can she sit on the counter?  Her shoes aren’t that waterproof,’ Jillian states, snapping Erin out of her stupor.

‘Yeah, of course.  Here, sweetie,’ Erin goes over to Britt, offering to lift her up onto the counter with little to no trouble.  Britt gladly accepts the help and puts her bag down next to Jillian’s, picking up her treats and turning the packet over in her hands.

‘Yep, that baby is burst clean open,’ Jillian says from underneath the sink, and she turns the water off so it stops trickling through.  ‘The other pipes look extremely weak, how old is this building?’

‘Pretty old, but I was told everything in here was replaced when I moved in a year or so ago,’ Erin says, going and crouching down next to Holtzmann, whose mouth is screwed shut, deep in thought.

‘Oh god, this is gonna cost me so much money, I do not need this right now,’ she moans, putting her head in her hands for a minute.

‘Hey, it’s okay, we’ll figure this out.  I promise.’

‘Holtz, this isn’t your problem.’

‘Sure it is.  I’m in your apartment.  I have to…stand…in your kitchen.’

It makes Erin cracks a smile, and a warm feeling settles in Jillian’s stomach.

They hear noises from behind them, and they both stand and turn to see Britt helping herself to a mop and a bucket.

Jillian can swear she sees tears in Erin’s eyes.

‘Well don’t just stand there, JJ, help me out here!’

She chuckles at her sister’s orders and walks over, leaving Erin stunned by the casual act of kindness this 7-year-old girl is clearly set on undertaking.

Britt begins to mop the floor and Jillian takes the bucket while she’s mopping to try and scrape up some places where there’s more excess water, both of them working to get the floor just wet and not flooded.

Erin gets into gear and helps them out too, finding a broom to sweep the excess water into the bucket that Jillian holds.

For a moment, the two adults look up at each other, a silent thank you swimming in Erin’s eyes.  Jillian’s answering smile is all Erin needs to get her mood back to a more tranquil state.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

They all sit on the counter waiting for the floor to dry, Britt in the middle with Holtz and Erin flanking her either side.  The chinese takeout Erin had bought for them all warms up slowly in the oven.

‘Hey, JJ, I figured it out.’

‘Figured out what, baby?’

‘Our Reese’s problem.’

She reaches for the pack behind her, and splits it open, taking one in each hand and offering them to both of the adults.

‘Now we all get something.’

Jillian notices the familiar gleam of tears in Erin’s eyes as she takes the peanut butter cup tentatively from the girl’s hands.  ‘Thanks, Britt.  That’s really sweet.’

‘You’ve had a hard day.  You deserve it,’ she replies, grinning widely as she takes a bite of her own cup. 

They sit in silence as they wait for their food, until Holtz pipes up as Britt looks as if she’s falling asleep, leaning heavily against Holtz’s side.

‘I can fix that, you know,’ she says, wrapping her arm around Britt’s shoulders and letting her settle into her embrace.

‘You…you can?’

‘Yeah.  I can.  I just need the parts, you really need both those pipes fixed, to be honest.  And I can do the floor, too, get this one ripped out and get a new one put in.   It’ll take a couple weeks to get it all done, make sure the pipes are running okay, and the pipes you have now seem pretty crappy so it’ll take a little to get them out and see if there’s anything wrong with the building’s general plumbing.  No use in you paying for somebody to install the new floor when you have the handywoman queen right here.’

‘Handywoman queen? Really?’

‘I redecorated my Dad’s entire bungalow in three weeks.  Walls, floors, ceilings, everything.  I’m a genius at this, trust me.’

There’s a beat where Jillian realises what she’s just said.  What she’s just asked Erin to do, after all that’s happened between them in the short time they’ve known each other.

‘I will,’ Erin says quietly, and Jillian only just picks it up.  Now it’s her turn to fight back tears. 

Suddenly, the oven dings and Erin breaks their eye contact to open the door and siphon out the food.  Holtz looks at her sister, who’s sitting and touching her thumb to each fingertip.  It’s a little habit of hers when she gets bored, and she looks up at Erin who’s busying herself getting the food set up.  Hopping down from the counter, Jillian asks where plates are and grabs three when Erin points at the drawer above the sink, and they begin piling food onto their plates amid Holtz’s profuse thanks; that’s the second meal she’s bought for her in 24 hours.  None of them really seem to notice how easy it is for the three of them, as they sit on the sofa eating their dinners.  Britt’s really sitting on the floor of the living space, eating her dinner close to the coffee table - she ‘doesn’t want to risk ruining another part of the floor’.  Erin had smiled so widely at that, Holtz thought the grin would split her face.

‘How come you weren’t wearing those glasses last night?’

Jillian looks up from her takeout box, to see Erin scrutinising her face.  If it was anybody else, she might be uncomfortable, but something about Erin doesn’t make her nervous…it just gives her butterflies.

‘Well when I was um…when I was 10, I actually had a stroke, still don’t really know what caused it, I was perfectly healthy, but thankfully nothing was damaged.  The only thing is I’m now super-sensitive to natural light, so my dad got me these glasses so I wasn’t going round with sunglasses all day.  I felt like a weirdo for a while, they were a bit out-there, but I learned to love them.  They’re quirky, just like me.’

‘More people like quirky than you think, Holtz.’

They shared a glance and a quick smile, and Holtz’s heart felt like it was jumping out of her chest.  She quickly changes the subject, to avoid any awkwardness; she’s terrified she’ll mess this up.

‘So, do you think I can get this job then, Gilbert?’

‘Abby will love you, and you’re entirely overqualified.  You’ll get the job, don’t worry about that.’

‘You hear that baby?  I’m gonna have a real science job for the first time in forever.’

‘I’m excited, JJ! You’ll get to do cool experiments and stuff!’

‘Heck yeah, I will!’  Jillian grins at her little sister’s bouncing enthusiasm.  Erin looks on in awe at the two; they have the most wonderful relationship, despite everything they’ve been through.

‘That reminds me, actually, what exactly is Abby’s field of study?’

Erin’s lips purse for a moment.  She remembers that, actually what her friend does is pretty weird to the normal human mind.  But if Holtzmann is like anything she’s shown over the past day, she thinks she might be able to handle it.

‘Um…it’s a study of…the…paranormal.’

Jillian’s eyes narrow.

‘You don’t mean.’

‘Um…yes?’

‘She’s studying the existence of ghosts?’

‘Of the paranormal and its supposed entities!’

‘She studies ghosts?  Shut up! Yeah!’ Holtz has never looked so excited, maybe only second to when her little sister was born.

‘Bad word, JJ!’

‘Sorry sweetheart,’ she says, rubbing the back of her sister’s neck as she recovers momentarily from being scolded by a 7 year old.

‘Oh my goodness, that’s awesome though!’

‘Really? Do you…do you believe in ghosts?’

‘I’m a scientist, Gilbert, I don’t believe in most things til they’re proven.  What I do believe in is finding out the truth.  I want to believe,’ she rambles.  The last bit comes out in an ominous tone, and Erin fights the urge to giggle at the X-Files reference.

’Well if you’re on board with that, you’re a sure-fire candidate for the job.’

‘Erin, can I use your bathroom please?’ Erin looks away from Jillian to see Britt standing next to her sofa, a soft and expectant smile gracing her features.

‘Of course, honey, it’s through that door over there on the right.’

‘Thank you!’

Once Britt is out of earshot, Erin looks back at Holtz with an easy and happy expression.  ‘She’s adorable, and clever.’

‘She learns from the best.  Not me, I mean.  My stepmom was a wonderful woman.  She died when Britt was 2,’ Holtz explains, a wistful expression on her face.

‘I’m sorry,’ Erin says, continuing to concentrate on the woman in front of her.  It’s kind of easy for Erin to get lost in her blue eyes.

‘Don’t be.  She may have gone early but she had a damn good life.  My Dad went soon after, that’s when we ended up bouncing around.’

Erin simply nods, letting Holtzmann's words sink in.  They sit pensively for a moment, before the peace is slashed by the sound of the intercom.  Erin takes the trash from the table and deposits it in the garbage can on her way over to the door. Holtzmann’s stomach lurches, and buttons up her shirt fully, trying her best to smooth out the creases as she stands and waits with her hands clasped in front of her.

‘Ernie?’

‘Abby’s on her way up, Erin.’

‘Thanks, I’ll let her in.’

She puts the phone down and turns around, seeing Holtz’s terrified expression and awkward stance.

‘Relax, Holtz, you’ll be fine.’

‘Job interviews don’t go well for me.’

‘This one will.  Can you trust me?’

The same look they had shared before surfaces again, only this time Holtz is a whole lot more terrified.

‘Okay.  Yes, I mean, okay yeah I can…I trust you.’

Erin’s smile is enough to bring her worries down by 50%, maybe, but the lingering nervousness still makes her heart beat faster.

The physicist opens the door and exchanges pleasantries with Abby, inviting her in.

‘Jeez, Erin, what the hell happened here?’

‘The sink pipe burst, so so annoying.  Anyway, I’ll tell you later, there’s a couple of people I’d like to introduce you to.’

‘Yes! Alright, let’s do it.’  Abby looks up, and sees a woman with blonde hair standing stock still in between the living room and the kitchen, an almost deer-in-headlights expression on her face.

‘Hey, how you doing?  Abby Yates,’ she says, walking over and holding out her hand.

Holtzmann seems to visibly relax at Abby’s easy tone, and Erin takes a deep breath. 

‘Holtzmann, Jillian Holtzmann. It’s a pleasure,’ says Holtz, grasping Abby’s hand and giving it a firm handshake.  She doesn’t normally give people her first name, but she has to make an impression on Abby.She _has_ to.

‘Oh, good, um good handshake, I like that in a person,’ Abby says with a genuine grin on her face, and Holtz’s smile gets wider.  Erin lets out the breath she’s been holding, and Britt takes the opportunity to walk in at that exact moment.

‘Oh!  Who’s this?’ Abby says jovially, giving a quick wave to the girl who takes Holtzmann’s hand.

‘This is Britt, my little sister.’  Erin can see the look on Holtz’s face; will this change how Abby feels about the job?

‘Hi there.  I’m Abby, it’s really nice to meet you.  Your sister seems cool.’

‘She’s the best.  Thank you for giving her this opportunity, Miss Abby,’ she says quietly, trying her best to make eye contact.  _God, she’s the best sister_ , Erin thinks; she’d support Jillian if it meant the end of the world.

Jillian’s face contorts into one of swelling pride and even Abby is taken aback by the words.  ‘Well, you’re welcome, sweetheart, I’m sure she’s gonna seize it, she looks like somebody who knows what they’re doing,’ Abby says, looking at Jillian to gauge her reaction.  The determined look on her face tells Abby all she needs to know.

‘Are you okay hanging out with Erin for a little while?  I just wanna have a quick talk with your sister about the job, is that okay?’

‘Of course.  Good luck, JJ, love you!’ She whispers the last part, and all three adults smile at the little bundle of joy.  She runs over to Erin, who lets her lead into the study where the computer is.  She’s a little nervous; she hasn’t babysat a child since she was 17.  The computer’s in there though, so she has tentative hope in her mind that she can keep her occupied.

‘Okay, Jillian - or Holtzmann, is it, do you prefer Holtzmann?’

‘If that’s okay, yes, please,’ she answers confidently, her determination showing a little.  Abby’s impressed already.

‘Literally, it’ll be just a few questions about your experience, nothing more.  Looks like you’re overqualified anyway, and this is gonna help me out a whole lot.  You ready?’

For the first time in two years, Jillian Holtzmann answers this question truthfully.

‘Yes.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How's Erin gonna cope with babysitting? Hmm...


	5. Ain't Runnin From Myself No More

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The interview...of sorts...and Britt, Erin and Holtz have a little time together. It's all too cute.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS. Big thanks once again to my wonderful beta highwaytohell-a. This one's a lil shorter but I hope y'all still enjoy.

‘You did NOT just hit me with a blue shell!’

‘Yes I did!’

‘You are going _down_ , Britt Holtzmann!’

Britt had found the wii underneath the computer and swiftly connected it to the computer, leaving Erin with a rather gobsmacked face and two lost races to make up for.

Turns out, Britt Holtzmann was not going down - she won three more races until the championship was hers.

‘Man, I really have lost my touch.’

‘You used to play?’

Erin smiles at the girl’s bright expression, glancing at her and then lifting her head up to look above her, reminiscing.‘I was never that good at video games, but I liked Mario Kart.So I bought a wii for my downtime when I was studying for my PhD. I think I put it away when I moved up to Professor.’

‘That’s cool.My friend at school says he plays games like Grand Theft Auto and Call of Duty, but I don’t believe him.He’s way too young, even _his_ parents wouldn’t let him play that.When Daddy was alive we used to play Mario and Sonic at the Olympic Games, it was so cool.I won the 100 metres every time,’ Britt says, giggling a little bit. 

‘I’ll bet you did.So you’re really into running, huh?’

‘Yeah.I kind of wanna do it properly one day, like at the Olympics, but I know it’s really hard to be that good.’

‘You bet it is, sweetheart, but it’s also not impossible.And if you’re winning now, just keep going with that.You’ll get there one day.’

‘I know I could, if I really tried, but I like science too.And it actually pays money.’

Erin’s face falls at that.This girl’s been through so much, and at seven years old she already feels the need to think about money.She should be wishing to be an Olympian properly, or an astronaut, or maybe a princess, but no.She wants to do something that makes money so she doesn’t have to live the way she does now.

‘I know…I know the world right now looks like money is the only thing you need to be happy, to succeed but it’s not.Your sister?She’s already so successful, even if it isn’t in the ways that most people would think says ‘success’. 

The little girl in front of her just nods, and she can see the pride swelling in those tiny blue eyes for her big sister.Britt is wise beyond her years and while it’s impressive, it’s still so, so sad.

‘I get it.But I just want her to be happy, and the first time I’ve seen real, like actual happiness from her is…well…today.When she came and picked me up she was so happy and I didn’t know why but I liked seeing JJ like that.It makes me sad when she knows she can’t do much to help us.’

Erin’s impulses are about to act up again, and she knows she shouldn’t do this.She holds off for a moment as Britt continues, her hands in her lap as she keeps her eyes trained there too.

‘There are some days when she gives me the food she has because there isn’t enough for both of us.I feel bad because I don’t want her to be hungry. It’s not really bad like some people we’ve met but there are days when we just can’t get food.She’s tried so hard but sometimes it isn’t enough for the both of us.And whenever it isn’t, I get it all and she gets nothing.’

Erin bites back tears that are threatening to spill, and in a spur of the moment thought, she puts her hand on the back of Britt’s neck, softly, and the girl leans into it.That’s when she sees that she’s not the only person fighting tears.

‘Britt…she’d do anything for you.’

‘I know, but I want her to do things for her.’

‘You’re…you’re a really good sister, you know that?’

‘It doesn’t feel like it sometimes.’

‘I know.But you can’t let yourself feel like that all the time, because she loves you more than anything and if Holtz has anything to say about it, you’ll always have each other.’

‘Yeah.Erin?’

‘Mhmm?’

All of a sudden, Britt is climbing into Erin’s lap and wrapping her arms around her neck, hugging the woman tightly.It reminds Erin of when she visits Michigan occasionally, and her little cousin would climb onto her lap during her study time and she wouldn’t have the heart to tell him to leave her be, instead embracing him tightly.She lets her arms wrap around Britt’s frame tentatively, and then she hears it.

‘Thank you for helping out JJ.It means the world to me and her.She was so excited earlier.I haven’t seen her that happy since before Daddy died.’

Erin lets the tears fall.

 

~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~

 

‘Well Holtzmann, this is all entirely impressive, I mean MIT? Twice?That’s some, that’s off the charts stuff you got going on there.’

‘Thanking you much,’ Holtz says, cringing on the inside as she does so.She kind of hates when she’s a bit too quirky, but she reminds herself that really, if it’s a job, then it shouldn’t matter as long as she can do the work.It does gnaw at her sometimes, though.

‘Listen, before I tell you what exactly we’re gonna be researching into, I need you to go into it with an open mind -‘

‘Doc, it’s okay.I already know.’

‘…Erin told you.’

‘For what it’s worth, I think she was just going through the same mindset as you are.’

‘And?’

Holtzmann leans forward and smiles, trying to rein in her wide eyes and failing spectacularly…it’s not like she really cares, to be honest.

‘I am _down_ for it.The paranormal?I’ve wanted to delve into that for years, there are so many quantifiable theories that are just waiting to be actualised and although I don’t believe now…I’m always, always willing to try anything.I wanna see a ghost.I wanna study a ghost.I’m on board, Doc.’

Abby’s a little dumbfounded by Holtz’s response.Somebody apart from Erin?Believing her? Maybe she’s not believing in ghosts, but goddammit, she’s never seen somebody so enthusiastic about their work in any field apart from Erin, herself and Patty.It’s amazing, and she’s on their wavelength so naturally that Abby feels a swelling right in the pit of her stomach.Her instincts kick in; this is gonna be one wild ride.

‘You’re hired.’

Holtz’s face falls.

‘What?’

‘Dr. Holtzmann, welcome to the conductors of the metaphysical examination.Can you start Monday?’

The tears in her eyes can wait for a few minutes.

‘I can start tomorrow.’

‘Brilliant! Okay,’ Abby says, standing up.Holtz immediately bolts upright, and Abby’s hand is held out in front of her.She gives it a hearty shake, and makes direct eye contact with her new boss.

‘Thank you, Dr. Yates.’

‘It’s Abby.’

‘…okay,’ says Holtz, a small smile stretching over her lips.

‘Listen I gotta run, I have to set some things up at home, and get home, so tell Erin I said bye, okay? And tomorrow morning, 9am? The lab is on the basement floor, number 108.Look forward to working with ya, Holtzmann.’

‘You too, Abby.’

With that, Abby throws one more smile over her shoulder and walks out of the door.

She waits until she hears the elevator move down, passing a few floors.

‘WOOOOOOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!’

She starts fist pumping and dancing to herself, bouncing all over Erin’s floor as the other two come running in from Erin’s study.

‘JJ JJ JJ! You got it?!’

‘Yes I did!’

‘YAY!’She runs head first into Jillian’s arms, and the older sister spins her sibling around a few times before wrapping her up in a tight hug.

‘I knew you could do it JJ,’ her sister whispers into her ear.She lets the tears fall freely now.

‘I need to perform in the job first, PB, we’re just getting started.’

‘First step is always the hardest to take.’

She looks round and sees Erin, her face a little tear-stained and eyes a little red, and her heart aches for Erin and her tears because she doesn’t know if they’re for her or if they’re for something before but she wants them to stop, despite her own happy tears.

‘Are you okay?’

‘I’m really, really great, Holtz.’

She wordlessly puts Britt down and walks over to Erin, standing closely in front of her, almost asking permission.

It’s the physicist who wraps her arms round Holtzmann’s necks, softly and leisurely, tucking her chin in into Holtzmann’s shoulder.

Holtz is unmoving, almost in crisis mode despite experiencing something she’s been thinking about for ages.She sees Britt in her eyeliner, who’s moved around to signal to her older sister.

‘Hug her you doofus!’ she mouths.

Arms quickly wrap around Erin’s frame, and her body visibly relaxes into Holtzmann’s, who presses her cheek to Erin’s hair.

‘I wouldn’t be here without you Erin.You’re like my guardian angel, you know that?’

‘I’m just a person with a friend who needed help.’

‘You know I don’t deserve it.’

‘Who gets to decide that? Because I’m deciding right now.’

Holtzmann pulls away, putting her hands on Erin’s shoulders.She gets very serious for a moment, and for a second Erin’s eyebrows furrow.

‘One day, in the future, I’m going to finally do something to make this up to you.Because I never thought I’d get as far as I’ve gotten, that was a miracle in itself.Then you came along and turned my whole life upside down in less than 2 days.One day, I’m gonna make it up to you so hard, Erin Gilbert.You hear me?’

‘We both are!’The older two look at Britt, whose face is as serious as Jillian’s.

‘We both are.Thank you, Erin.’

The smile that appears on Erin’s face makes the butterflies in Holtz’s stomach go haywire, and it feels better than anything else.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Sweetie if you eat that any quicker you’re gonna get brain freeze,’ Erin says lightly, almost giggling at the speed Britt is shovelling chocolate ice cream into her mouth.

‘It’s too late for that. 3, 2, 1…’

As Holtz finishes her countdown, Britt’s face screws up as she tries to combat the effects of the ice cream, but it’s to no avail.

‘Honey, there’s glasses in that cupboard under the oven,I can get you some water?’ Erin’s about to move when Britt shakes her head, heading over to the cupboard to get one out herself.

The adults chuckle at the child’s face and manner, turning back to their own bowls of ice cream.

‘Wanna watch a movie?’

‘What, now?’

‘Yeah, I have Netflix on the TV.Bit of Frozen or Finding Dory couldn’t hurt,’ Erin says with a winning smile.

‘You like your animated stuff huh?’

‘I just love the happy endings.Guaranteed every time.’

Holtz’s lips quirk up a little, her eyes softly sitting upon her friend’s beautiful face.

_Oh shit._

‘Well I know somebody wants to see Finding Dory,’ Holtz says, ignoring her mind and ploughing on with the conversation by getting Britt’s attention.

‘You have Finding Dory!’

‘Yeah, we can watch it now if you want?’ Erin asks, looking between the Holtzmann sisters.

‘Ohmygoodness please Erin, please can we watch it?!’

Erin’s giggle literally lights up Holtz’s heart, and her adorable little sister melts Erin’s.

‘Of course, sweetie, get over here.’

Britt nestles herself in between the two women, and Erin looks over at Holtz whose eyes are trained down on her hands.

Deciding to ignore it, Erin picks out the movie and they all fall silent as they watch with care.

Britt’s attention hardly wavers, until finally her head droops onto Erin’s lap, eyes closing and breathing evening out in favour of sleep.Holtzmann is having trouble staying awake too, but she wants to stay awake with Erin.Erin’s absolutely fine, despite a night without much sleep, and every so often when she thinks Holtz isn’t looking, she’ll steal a glance her way.Her soft smile creeps onto her face without her even noticing.

Some time later, Holtz’s eyes are drooping severely when Erin taps her softly on the shoulder.

‘Hey.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Movie’s finished, she is out like a light,’ Erin whispers fondly, and both their eyes fall upon Britt’s still form, the only hint of movement being her small upper body rising and falling with every breath.

‘We better get going, then, find her a bed for the night,’ Holtzmann says, getting up and brushing herself down before turning to her sister.

‘You cannot be serious.’

The engineer looks up at the physicist, whose face is the picture of confusion.

‘What’s wrong?’

‘What’s wrong is you think I’m letting you out of this apartment when your sister is asleep on my lap and I know for a fact you have nowhere to go.’

‘I’ll find somewhere.Erin, dammit, you’ve done enough for me already.I can’t keep taking from you.’

‘You’re not taking it from me, it’s just a place for you guys to sleep.Let’s say it’s payment for doing my floor and replacing the kitchen pipes?’

‘Erin…’

‘Holtzmann, please.It would kill me to know you two would be out in the cold trying to find shelter when you wouldn’t even need to move from this room.’

‘This is tearing me apart, Gilbert.’

Erin’s face falls as she stares at Holtz, and Holtz looks down at her sleeping sister to avoid her eyes.

‘I robbed you.I may not have taken anything from you last night, but I robbed your sense of self-equilibrium, maybe dignity, composure, I don’t know, I felt like I took something from you even though I didn’t steal your wallet.It is tearing me apart every second I look at you and I can’t take it when I know you’re still doing things for me that I really, really don’t deserve,’ Holtz says thickly, tears spilling again from her eyes.Damn her stupid emotions, getting in the way of everything. _Goddammit._ ‘I already took enough from you, and all you do is just offer me more and more and I take it because if I don’t, my sister will be out in the cold and I do it for her but every time I say yes it fucking hurts because I feel like I’m worthless.Erin, you’re worth so much and I’m worthless.I don’t deserve this kindness after what I did.I know that I’m going to struggle with that for the rest of my life.’

Erin doesn’t reply immediately.Instead, she lifts Britt’s head softly from her lap, laying it down on a cushion before kneeling in front of Holtz and taking her shoulders.

‘Okay so…I have precisely two friends.Their names are Abigail Yates and Patricia Tolan.I love them to pieces and I’d do anything for them.They’re the only two people that I’ve ever said that about, and I honestly didn’t think I’d ever meet people like that again.It was almost an instant feeling, like my instincts kicked in not an hour after I met them and said, ‘yes these are the people I should be friends with.I should protect those people because they’re wonderful and they care about me’. I haven’t had that feeling in forever, and then out comes you in Riverside Park, attempting rather pitifully to mug me and then coaxing me out of my first panic attack in years.You talk about my kindness over and over and over again but what you don’t seem to see is your own kindness.You’re so inherently good to the bone that instead of bailing, you helped me and you stayed even though somewhere in the back of your head, you knew that it wasn’t going to pretty coming out of it the other side.Holtzmann, I think that despite what you did last night, be it one of your flaws, you are still one of the most generous, kind and loving people I’ve ever met.I haven’t known you 2 days and I already cannot handle how much I want you to be in my life.You may not have given me much, but what you have given me is hope.Hope that people can pull through in life with a little help, hope that you can love somebody with your whole heart no matter what else is going on.I really love breaking this to you Holtz, but you are a good person, and you’re definitely not worthless.So for at least the next two weeks, you and Britt are going to sleep in this apartment, you’re gonna help me redo my kitchen floor and fix my kitchen pipes, and after two weeks of paid work we’ll see where we can go from there.But please, Holtzmann, don’t keep turning down my offers.I want to help you not because you’re some person in need, I want to help you because of who _you_ are.Who that little girl is on the inside.You’re both Holtzmann and that name to me, in such a short space of time has told me only amazing things about being human.’

Holtz’s silent sobs seem to register with Erin as she finishes talking, and she lets the engineer fall into her arms as they kneel on the floor.

‘Thank you, thank you, thank you…’ Holtz repeats and repeats, Erin letting her cry herself out into her shoulder while she let a few tears of her own fall.It’s been a rather long, emotional day, but dammit, she wouldn’t have wanted to spend it with anybody else.

Holtzmann’s quiet sobbing subsides, and they help each other rise from the floor and Erin squeezes Holtz’s hand before sauntering to her bedroom, Holtzmann taking the other couch.Erin reappears a moment later with two blankets and pillows, better ones than the cushion Britt is currently sleeping on.While Holtz’s head is turned away, setting up her own makeshift bed, Erin gently switches the cushion for the pillow, and brushes some hair out of the little girl’s face as she sleeps soundly.As she turns around, she sees the engineer looking upon the scene with a soft, easy smile.She hasn’t felt this at peace in years.

She hastily wipes her face and bids Erin a silent goodnight, a squeeze of a shoulder as she walks past her couch.

Erin closes her bedroom door behind her, sliding down it on the other side and wondering what the hell she’s gotten herself into.The only thing is, she’s not afraid of it at all.


	6. Wouldn't You Love To Love Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's Holtzmann's first day of work...and an unexpected girls' night

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks once again to highwaytohell-a for being my wonderful beta. Also, thank you so, so much for your wonderful comments - over 200 kudos?! You guys are awesome. Enjoy this folks <3

Erin’s eyes open slowly, a serene atmosphere in her bedroom soothing her as she rouses from sleep.  She hasn’t felt this rested in months; normally she’s tossing and turning for at least three hours, but last night she was out like a light.

Then she remembers - Holtzmann and Britt are fast asleep in her living room, Holtz having been given the first big chance in her life for three years.

She smiles lazily, thinking about the two.  Such kind, incredible people that, although the meeting was less than pleasant, she doesn’t want to let them go, not now, not ever.  It’s crazy, how two days can change your opinion of people.  She looks over at her clock, seeing it was 7:28, two minutes before her alarm was due to go off; she thinks she should probably wake Holtzmann up now, so she can get ready for her first day.  She’s almost excited for her; she can’t exactly say she’s living vicariously through her because she does like her own life, but the pure unadulterated joy on both Holtz and Britt’s faces yesterday was something she never, ever wants to forget.

Dragging herself out of bed and pulling on her worn out Princeton sweater, she ever-so-quietly opens the door to her bedroom to see Britt rubbing her eyes noncommittally, and Holtzmann still out for the count. 

She looks so pretty when she sleeps.  Although the occasional manic smile and the little frown line in between her eyebrows is endearing, there’s something about seeing Holtz’s face bare of emotion, of stress, of all the things she’s had to go through; just her. 

Snapping out of her stupor, Erin sees Britt gesturing towards the engineer with her pillow in hand.  The little girl raises her eyebrows in question, and Erin immediately reciprocates with a cheeky grin and walks over to grab a cushion from the sofa. 

Looking back at Britt, the physicist holds one finger up, and one turns into two; when the third comes up, both of them chuck their chosen weapons at Holtz’s face.

Holtzmann’s head whips up, and after a split second she groans from rising too fast and clutches her hair, which is now loose around her shoulders and messed up from sleep.  She cracks open one eye, and looks at the culprits of her rude awakening.  A soft, wry smile graces her features, and Britt giggles while Erin gets up from the floor and goes to turn on the coffee machine with the same wry smile that Holtz has. 

‘Sweetheart, why don’t you go use the bathroom quick and then I’ll get going okay? Your sister needs to recalibrate her brain at this moment in time,’ Holtz says tiredly, sparing glance over at Erin.  The physicist is staring straight at her with a strange, soft look, and as soon as she’s caught she turns straight back to the mugs she’s taken out of the cupboard.  _Huh._

‘How did you sleep?’ Holtz asks, getting up and leaning over the breakfast bar.

‘I slept really, really well actually, thanks for asking.  How about you, miss lab assistant?’

‘That’s Doctor lab assistant to you,’ Holtz fires back, winking in Erin’s direction.  She tries not to notice the blush that Erin fails at hiding as she stirs the newly poured coffee.  ‘Yeah, not bad.  My stomach is playing up right now though, I can’t quite believe this is about to happen,’ Holtzmann muses quietly, staring into space as Erin puts a rich, black coffee in front of her.  The smell makes her eyes close, and she smiles before taking a sip.

‘Holtzmann, you’re going to be fine. I promise.’

‘I hope so.  Hey…thank you.  For everything.’

‘You’re welcome, Holtz,’ Erin says, gauging direct eye contact with the engineer.  The look is intense between the two of them, Erin seeing Holtzmann’s blue orbs catching her off guard like the few other times she’s seen them.  She could get lost in those eyes.

Before Erin can question her strange thoughts, Britt powerwalks back into the kitchen. ‘Which bag are our towels in JJ?’

‘Oh, I think they’re in the -‘

‘Don’t worry, you can borrow one of mine, I’ve got way too many,’ Erin interrupts, walking out of the kitchen to go to the airing cupboard.  ‘Just take your pick out of here, honey.  You too, Holtz!’

‘Thanks, Gilbert, wouldn’t wanna smell bad on my first day,’ Holtzmann grins, taking another sip of her coffee.

Erin chuckles, going over to the couches and commencing operation Holtzmann-bed-cleanup.  The engineer immediately notices what she’s doing and shoos her away.  ‘I got it,’ says Holtz, giving Erin a side-eye smile.

As she watches the woman fold the blankets, she can’t help but let her mind wander.  The future’s never certain, but right now she’s absolutely, very sure she wants Jillian and Britt Holtzmann to be in hers in some way.  Smiling to herself, she goes and takes her mug of coffee through to her room so she can get ready for the day.

As Erin leaves, Holtzmann watches her go, eyes boring into the physicist’s back.

She still doesn’t know how she got so lucky to find a…friend…like Erin Gilbert.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Okay, Kenneth P. Higgins Institute, I’m comin’ for ya,’ Holtzmann whispers under her breath, hand on the lock of the taxi as it slowly rolls to a stop outside the institution. 

‘Hey, I wanted to um…there’s something I wanted to give you before you go in. It’s nothing big, it’s just…yeah okay, here you go.’

Erin hands over what seems to be a simple nickel, standard issue but polished beautifully.  Holtz rolls it over in her hands, letting it slide between her fingers expertly.  She smiles at the thought, and then Erin explains herself.

‘I found that nickel the day before Columbia accepted me as an assistant professor.  I was so terrified for that few weeks I was waiting, then I found this one nickel and it had never happened to me before, like finding a coin in a street, and it just sort of…stuck with me.  So I’ve always kept it.  And now, I want you to have it.  It served me well as my good luck charm, and I know that you’re a scientist and believing in luck can be seen as silly for people like us, but I just thought it might be a soothing thought for you.  It’s whatever.’

Holtz’s eyes are transfixed on the coin, and for a moment she peers down at one side of it.

‘This coin’s from the year Britt was born,’ she mutters lightly, her thumb tracing over the date on the nickel. Erin lets her lip twitch up just a little.

‘Well -‘

She’s caught off guard by a pair of lips smacking her cheek, and it’s over all too quickly but she’s being wrapped up in Jillian’s arms and she wraps her own round Jillian’s waist and god, she really doesn’t wanna let go.

It’s over before she can savour enough of the embrace, but Holtz’s determined smile makes her heart soar for a moment.

‘Not sure what I’d do without you, Gilbert,’ Holtzmann says, her face rather close to Erin’s.  Before they can really appreciate the proximity, it’s gone with Holtzmann stepping out of the cab.

She closes the door behind her, and leans into the open window.  Erin shifts just a touch, just a little closer to Holtzmann and her stupid pretty face.

_God, Erin, stop!_

She pulls out her glasses from her pocket and puts them on as daintily as she can, looking up at Erin and puffing out a breath.  Erin nods at her with a determined pout, and Holtzmann winks back at her and begins to pull backwards from the cab. 

‘Hasta la vista, baby, this girl’s got a job to do,’ Holtzmann says, loudly so that everyone in her immediate vicinity can hear, and she shoots her hands up in the air, pointing to the sky.  Erin laughs at the gesture, still having been caught a teensy-little-bit off guard by the previous wink, and as Holtzmann turns around and the cab pulls away, she falls back into her seat with a huff. She’s totally not saying she’s attracted to Holtzmann, because she’s obviously far too into the pit of denial to figure out such a thing; but her brain would get there eventually.  Maybe then she’ll know why the butterflies in her stomach are going haywire every time Holtz puts on those damn glasses.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

Holtzmann gives a hearty knock on the door, rapping three times and peering in the glass momentarily to see if Abby is around.  Sure enough, Abby walks into view, picking up something from a desk and briskly heading to the door, opening it unceremoniously.

‘Hey!  How you doin’ champ? Just uh, excuse me for a minute there,’ Abby says, gesturing a little for Holtz to step back.  Once she does, she gets a clear view of what Abby’s doing; she’s sliding the thing she was holding into the little holder onto the door.  Now, under Abby’s name on the door, she sees it in clear view as Abby’s hand pulls away.

DR. JILLIAN HOLTZMANN

Her name is on the small black plaque, now attached the door under Abby’s plaque.  She has to clench her fist harder than ever before to make sure she doesn’t have a breakdown before she’s even stepped into Abby’s lab…or their lab.

‘I’ll be honest, I’ve been waiting to do that for like, half an hour now.  I had it made as soon as I left yours,’ Abby declares in a voice with barely muted excitement, and she looks like she’s going to explode with happiness.

‘Really?’  Holtzmann’s voice betrays her, thick with emotion and shaky as hell.

‘Oh yeah.  I’ve never had a proper lab partner before, this is so exciting!’ Abby exclaims, beckoning Holtz in urgently while clearing a couple of things from one of the desks that is almost empty as it is.

‘Here is your desk, I know you probably don’t have a lot of things to put on it right now, what with this being your first day, but it’ll get comfortable soon enough.’

Holtz dumps her bag on the desk, and opens it to take out her little POP! Vinyls, Wonder Woman and Supergirl, and attaches them to the corner of the desk.

Abby looks at them fondly, and realises that no, they’re actually like,  _attached_ to the desk.

She walks over and pokes at one of them to try and see if they’ll move, and they don’t budge a centimetre.  Holtzmann chuckles a little at the confused look on Abby’s face, and walks over and pokes the other one with more force than Abby. ‘Heated up an iron bar and rubbed it over the magnet to amplify the magnetic field, but like, four times over, pretty standard stuff, then stuck ‘em onto the bottom of these girlies’ lil’ platforms.  A small Kia could probably hit that thing and it wouldn’t budge.  I’m just glad you had metal tables,’ Holtzmann says, smiling innocently.  ‘It’s me and Britt in superhero form.  I’m Wonder Woman and she’s Supergirl.’

Abby’s eyebrows are raised with a little ‘o’ shape forming on her mouth.  ‘I mean…I guess I shouldn’t be surprised, but then I feel like you’re gonna keep surprising me, Holtzmann,’ Abby finally mumbles, and she walks over to the other side of the lab, full of junk and equipment she’s not entirely sure how to use, yet. Holtzmann follows her, and her eyes light up at all of the weird and wonderful things that litter that side of the room.  Abby watches as she goes around touching almost every single thing within reach, picking up and inspecting some parts too.  She finds Holtzmann so very intriguing; she has the keenest mind of any scientist she’s ever met, and sometimes she thinks maybe even more so than Erin, but because they’re so different, it’s sometimes difficult to tell. 

‘I am going to build the hell out of all this junk, and it is going to be fan _tastic_ ,’ Holtz says in that dry, determined voice she sometimes sports, throwing a maniacal grin in Abby’s direction.  It’s a risky shot, but Holtzmann takes it because she thinks Abby will soon be able to handle her quirkiness; she’s reacted positively to literally everything else so far, so what has she got to lose?

When the doctor smiles, she barks a laugh to go with the smile and hurries to unpack the rest of her trinkets.  Abby looks after her, and the fond smirk on her face says it all.  She thinks they’ll have a hell of a lot of fun here, and maybe prove some paranormal existence while they’re at it.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

Erin returns home after a long, hard day of classes to see Britt sitting at the breakfast bar, absent-mindedly flicking through a book.  It’s been over a week since they’d arrived at Erin’s apartment, and so when Erin can’t see any sign of Holtzmann’s wild hairstyle or outlandish clothing, she tilts her head to the side with a confused look on her face. Britt doesn’t even look up before she responds.

‘She’s down there,’ Britt mutters, pointing to underneath the sink.

The physicist saunters round the small kitchen island to see Holtz underneath the sink, sure enough…in nothing but skinny jeans and a very, very thin tank top.

_Oh God._

‘Sorry Gilbert, just finishing up here,’ Holtzmann struggles to say, obviously trying to screw something into place with the pipes.  Erin’s answering chuckle coaxes the engineer out of the cupboard, and she’s careful not to bump her head on the way up.  The physicist tries not to notice the way her tank top rides up a little before she sits up, exposing her stomach and Erin clears her throat a little to curb the lump that’s formed in it.

‘Well Doctor, the job has been done, let’s test whether it’s worked,’ Holtzmann rambles, standing up swiftly and going to turn on the water, and then she turns on the faucet in front of the sink, leaning over it as she goes.  Erin just keeps her eyes anywhere but Holtzmann.

When the water comes out of the faucet and there’s no leakage from the brand new pipes, Holtz claps her hands together with a smile, and looks at Erin to gauge her reaction. 

The physicist snaps out of her trance, and beams a smile at the engineer, going to wrap her arms round the woman’s small frame.  Holtz laughs into the hug, patting Erin’s back a few times before letting go and settling her hands on Erin’s upper arms.

‘I will get the floor done this week, I promise, I’m raring to go.  These projects are so fun, it’s nice to do something simple - it’s therapeutic,’ she rambles on, and Erin giggles a little at her incessant talking.  She finds that she doesn’t feel as if she’d get bored of that voice.

Suddenly, there’s a knock at the door.  Erin’s perplexed expression tells Holtz that she’s obviously not expecting anybody, so her eyebrows furrow a little too as Erin approaches the door.

She finds Patty on the other side, a wide grin set into her features and a bottle of wine in her hand.

‘Hey, hey, hey, pretty lady!  How’s it goin’? Thought we could use a girl’s night, you ain’t ever busy on Wednesdays so I figured…’

She trails off as she clocks the other two bodies in the room.

‘Hi, Patty…so um…there’s updates regarding the um, the living arrangements.’

‘Living arrangements?  I am very lost right now, to put it mildly.’

Suddenly, Holtzmann springs to life, standing next to Erin with an amicable look on her face.  It startles the physicist a little, but she’s quite glad for the help during this awkward situation.

‘Holtzmann.  Pleasure to make your acquaintance, the lil’ squirt behind me is a Miss Britt Holtzmann, my sister and all-round mischief maker,’ she says easily, the words flowing off her tongue as if she’d rehearsed them for a Broadway stage.

‘Pretty sure that’s you, Holtz,’ Erin says, and Holtzmann simply responds by lightly elbowing her side.  The little ‘ow’ from Erin makes her titter inside, and she holds her hand out for Patty to shake.

The historian simply shrugs and shakes it firmly, letting it go as she introduces herself.  ‘Well, I’m Patty, I’m Erin’s colleague at Columbia.  Pleasure’s all mine,’ she says, a happy smile back on her face as she walks in and puts the wine on the kitchen island.

‘Well hello there, missy, what would that be that you’re reading?’

‘It’s the History of the Olympics.  I’m at Rome 1960.’ 

‘Well that is amazing, I love history!  And the Olympics are so, so awesome.  Did you know that it was never athletics or cycling or nothin’ like that that women were allowed to compete in first?’

‘Then what was it?’

‘It was actually archery.  Not exactly fun, huh?’

‘Yeah but it means they could shoot the horrible men in the butts for ignoring them and being mean all the time!’

The adults all burst out laughing at Britt’s answer, and she giggles along with them, fingering the page of her book.  ‘I think I like this kid.’

Once the laughter has died down and Erin goes to get wine glasses, Holtzmann walks over to Patty. 

‘Hey, listen, I don’t want to intrude if you two wanna have a night to yourselves, gossip and all that razzmatazz, I can put Britt to bed and head out for a while,’ Holtzmann offers, resting her hands on the small utility belt she’d made for herself out of Erin’s pitiful tool box materials.  Holtzmann had commented on it earlier in the week, absolutely horrified to find the woman didn’t even own a proper hammer.  It was madness at its most mad that had ever maddened, as Holtz had so eloquently put it.

‘Not a chance, baby, gotta interrogate the unexpected new roommate! And besides, there’s enough wine for three.  Unless I get really talkative, then the wine just keeps on flown’, you know what I’m sayin’?’

Holtzmann just chuckles in response, nodding her thanks at the historian. 

Turning around, she notices Erin watching the two women near the island, and how she tears herself away from the engineer’s gaze.  She wants to cock her head to the side, wrack her brain as to why she keeps catching these looks from Erin, but she’s snapped out of her reverie when Britt looks as if she’s about to fall asleep at the breakfast car.

‘Alright, PB, come on, think it’s time for bed for a lil’ someone,’ she declares, sidling over to the counter to look Britt in her tired eyes.

‘But I wanna stay and talk to Patty about the Olympic history,’ she whines, a pout appearing on her gorgeous little face.

‘I’m sure one day soon, Patty might wanna talk about it, but right now you look like you’re about to pass out on the table, and we both know that’s not a comfortable position, huh?’

The girl simply nods dejectedly and holds her arms out so Holtz can get her down.

‘Say goodnight to Erin, babe,’ Holtz reminds her, but it’s clear she doesn’t need reminding as she rounds the breakfast bar and goes to wrap her arms around Erin’s waist.

The physicist is caught off guard, but as soon as she notices Britt’s presence she wraps her in her arms tightly for a moment, squeezing the girl’s shoulders a little.  It seems to have become a little nightly routine, and Erin finds herself enjoying the familial echoes little too much.

‘Goodnight, honey.  Sleep well, didn’t you say you had a quiz tomorrow?’

‘She sure does, geography, isn’t it PB?’

‘Yeah, I’m good, I studied all this week,’ Britt says noncommittally, and every adult in the room thoroughly believes her.  She seems like a smart little girl from the off, and that’s before you get to know her.

Holtzmann joins Britt in the now not-so-empty room behind Patty’s chair where she’s made herself comfortable, going down the small corridor and entering it.  There’s a blow-up mattress in there now, along with clean sheets on it and a bunch of the Holtzmanns’ things strewn across the floor.  It’s not exactly a great setup for a growing girl, but god, she’s never felt so at home in her life.  Only with her father has she felt this at ease in a house.  She shakes her head a little as she closes the door, going to tuck Britt in and read a little more of her book with her.

Meanwhile, Erin hands Patty a glass of wine and sets Holtz’s on the coffee table, awaiting the engineer’s return as she sits on the opposite sofa.

‘Wanna tell me why that scene looked like something out of the happy ending of a Nicholas Sparks movie?’

Erin splutters, quite relieved she hasn’t taken a sip of her drink just yet.  ‘What do you mean?’

‘Girl, I haven’t even heard about this mystery roommate you’ve acquired who comes with a free little sister, who is giving you hugs goodnight while the bigger one’s making heart eyes?  Man, you got to explain your ass right now.  I am so confused.  I mean, I leave you people for a conference in San Diego and I come back and you’re suddenly homemaking with the daughter of Doc Brown and her adorable little companion.  Even Abby didn’t tell me.’

‘She’s a friend of mine, and she hasn’t been doing…well financially, let’s just say that.  She needed a job, and I assume Abby told you about, you know, the Higgins institute? Yeah,’ she deduces, seeing Patty’s head incline to the positive, ‘well she needed a lab assistant and Holtz specialises in nuclear engineering.  She’s a genius.  So I got her an interview with Abby and she got it.’

‘Okay, that’s great and all that, but that doesn’t explain why she’s shacked up in your cozy little two bed.’

‘Well…she got evicted from her apartment,’ Erin lies, knowing Holtzmann would probably appreciate the slight bending of the truth in this circumstance. ‘And my pipes burst and the floor was ruined, as you can see, so I said if she repaired my floor and the pipes then she and Britt could stay here.’

‘How long’s that gonna last?’

‘Well, until she’s done with the floor…I dunno, I’m not exactly planning on kicking them out anytime soon, I’m not struggling with rent money or anything like that so…I don’t really see the problem.  She might start paying rent soon, she’s just accumulating her money for now though I think.  Really getting back on her feet.  She does it all for that little girl though, and she’s a treasure.’

‘Now that I can agree with.  Into the Olympics and history?  That’s my type of little lady.’

‘Who’s whose what now?’ Holtzmann glides in, swiping her wine glass and dropping onto the sofa not too far from Erin, who glances up at the engineer from where her nose is in her wine glass.  Taking a big sip, she takes the engineer in for a moment.  Her hair is still up and wild, but a few loose strands have escaped at the back, cascading down her back a little and they’re glowing in the light.  The smile on her face is easy and carefree, and Erin finds that’s the way she really loves it the most.

‘Just your little sister.  She’s a gem, girl,’ Patty says, throwing a smile the engineer’s way.

‘Thank you Patty, she’s a credit to me.  I love her to pieces,’ the engineer says proudly, taking a sip of her drink.

‘I can imagine. So how’d you two meet anyway?’

Holtzmann has to fight every muscle in her mouth not to spit out her wine.

She looks at Erin frantically for answers, not knowing what to do or what to say.  She’s going into a pre-panic mode.  Erin soothes her by smiling ruefully, mouthing an ‘it’s okay’ in her direction before turning back to Patty.

‘We were both eating at the late night diner down the road, just got talking at the bar,’ Erin reveals smoothly, knowing it’s not the truth but also seeing Holtzmann’s shoulders visibly relax. 

She knows they have to tell Abby and Patty at some point, but she also knows that right now, she’s basically saving Holtzmann from two very, very hard slaps across the face.

She also knows that she does not want that beautiful face ruined.

_Jesus Christ Erin, shut up!_

‘Oh, down at the one opposite the Riverside Park entrance?  Yeah I been there.  It’s good, those chilli cheese fries are to die for, man,’ Patty muses, chuckling to herself at some fond memories of the establishment.

While she sips her wine, she doesn’t notice the look shared between the two women on the other sofa.  It’s soft, and it’s understanding.  It’s fear and that fear being placated, Erin trying to tell Holtzmann in all too complicated a way that it’ll be okay. 

There’s a long road ahead of them, and Erin knows that although it’s going to be difficult, there’s nobody she’d rather face this particular journey with.  She has absolutely no idea that the engineer is thinking exactly the same thing. 

There’s only one phrase that comes to both of their minds as they tear their gazes away from each other, focusing on their conversation with Patty.

_Damn, I’m screwed._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're pretty screwed...right?


	7. Leave A Light On

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Britt's thoughts, and a little surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST, oh my goodness. The comments and kudos for this are going mad, it's amazing. I love y'all to pieces, and as always, thanks to Rose for beta-ing. Enjoy, friends.

Britt Holtzmann is far from a simple little girl. 

She’s had a stranger life than most; living half of it bouncing from homeless shelter, to apartment, to bed in a church is not something most girls can say about theirs.She understands she’s not well-off, that they’re struggling, and she saw it a hell of a lot when JJ’s eyes didn’t seem to detach from the pavement as they walked to school some days.

She remembers the day Dad died.Most people scoff if she ever does tell them truth about that, because she was 3. _How can a little kid remember something like that?Come on, she’s too small to remember that._ But JJ knows she’s telling the truth _._ They both remember it clear as day, the little line going flat on the monitor as Daddy’s grip on her hand loosened and fell away altogether.JJ didn’t cry that day, not in front of Britt.She just held her little sister until she was all cried out, drifting away into a fitful sleep in her sister’s arms.She didn’t cry at the funeral, or at the wake.It was only when Britt had been dropped back home after school by the neighbour one day when she found JJ, slumped against a wall, tears streaming down her face as sobs wracked her body, clutching a picture frame in her hand.The littler Holtzmann had pried it softly out of her hands, taking a look at the photo.It was JJ with Daddy, doing back to back finger gun poses on the lawn of MIT after her graduation.They both looked as silly as usual, and that must have been what made JJ even more sad. 

‘It’s okay to be sad JJ,’ Britt had said, climbing into her sisters’ arms, who held on for dear life.‘That’s what my teacher said.But he’s in a better place now.And he’s probably laughing at us because, because he left us to deal with all of this stuff.’

Jillian had smiled at that, just a little bit through her tears.‘Yeah, funny joke Daddy.You had to be a hoarder, didn’t ya?’

‘What’s a hoarder?’ Britt had replied, her nose scrunched up just like her Papa’s.

It made Jillian want to sob again, but she had to hold it together for her little sister.‘Never mind, sweetheart.Listen, PB.I know Dad is gone now,’ she’d begun, sniffing a little and keeping herself steady, ‘but I am always, always gonna be here for you.You understand me?I’m never gonna leave you.’

‘I know JJ.PB and JJ for life.’

‘You know it, babe.’

Britt thinks back to where those nicknames came from.She remembers the day JJ told her, when they were in a hostel in Harlem and Britt was petrified of the dark. She was two years old, and they’d just found out that Britt’s mother had passed away.The two year old wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, just that her mom was gone and she wasn’t coming back.That she’d moved on to a better place.Nobody could get to her; she wouldn’t talk to Dad, her childminder was getting no response, and Jillian wasn’t normally good with this sort of thing.This little girl had taken over everything in her father’s life, and although in her 20s it was entirely petty to almost be jealous of a toddler, it still seeped through.

One day, Britt was slumped against the wall in her room, and Jillian knocked and came in slowly, peering down at her little half-sister.At that point, that’s what she’d been calling the little one in her head; reminding herself that although she loved her, there wasn’t complete relation between them.She did that, sometimes; distancing herself was what made working and being her easier. She couldn’t explain it, but she needed those walls like she needed air.She sat down next to Britt, rolling a small ziploc in her hands.

‘You know, your mom once told me that you liked to be mad at people.’

Britt had sat there, unresponsive, a scowl etched into her youthful features. 

‘Holding grudges against something doesn’t make it better, that’s what she said to me.It was because of your mom that I became a better person, squirt.And she asked me to make sure you were always gonna be okay, even after she knew she had to go,’ Jillian had said, her breath catching in her throat.

‘Do you know everything about what my mom said?’ Britt had replied scornfully, but she’d been too tired to glare at her older sibling.

‘I do not.But what I do know is, she said a certain little monster likes PB+Js.’

She had held the ziploc bag in front of her sister’s face, and after an uncertain stare from the little one, she’d taken the bag and opened it, looking inside and taking out a quarter.She’d bitten into it ferociously, having not eaten since breakfast and it was just going 4.Remembering where she’d been, she’d looked up at Jillian, who had a soft smile on her face.

‘Peanut butter is pretty good, huh?I call it PB for short.’

‘That’s stupid.’

‘Is it?Because it sure sounds like the beginning of your name.’

‘It begins with a B, not a P.’

‘PB, BB, potato, potah-to. they blend all together when I talk….PB.’

‘Stop calling me that.’

‘Why?Think you sound stupid?’

‘It is stupid. If you’re gonna call me stupid things I get to call you stupid things.’

‘Is that so?’

‘Yeah.Stupid JJ.’

‘JJ?’

‘Yeah.That’s stupid.Stupid JJ.’

‘PB + JJ.Huh.Remind you of something?’

Britt had just let the corner of her mouth twitch, and she’d looked down at the sandwich in her hand.Jillian had caught it, and a rueful smile spread across her face.

‘Sure you don’t wanna come say hi to your Papa? He misses you.He probably misses us both.PB+JJ, that’s pretty easy to miss, huh?’

‘Yeah, I guess so,’ she’d said in a whiney voice, and Jillian had just laughed.

‘Hey, listen, I know you’ll probably think this sounds stupid too, but I’m always gonna stick around for you.Okay?Whatever happens.It may be stupid, but PB+JJ? That’s for life.Holtzmanns forever.’

For the first time, Britt had smiled at Jillian properly, and Jillian had picked her sister up and walked them downstairs to see their father.

Jillian never called her her _half_ -sister again.

She hadn’t seen JJ smile with her eyes since her Dad died.It’s true, she told Erin. She would smile for Britt, make sure Britt felt comfortable and tell her silly jokes to keep a smile on _her_ face, but her own smile never reached her eyes.It made Britt so sad.Everything JJ did was for her.She almost felt guilty, but she knew JJ wouldn’t have it any other way.It’s not that Britt was the cause of her unhappiness, far from it; she was the cause of any real happiness Jillian felt.But she feels right now that here, somewhere stable, with a job and some semblances of the beginning of a home, and a certain physicist, Jillian Holtzmann has quite a few more reasons to smile.

And that makes Britt smile too.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

They’d almost fallen into a comfortable routine, three weeks after Holtzmann had been given the job by Abby.She’d drop Britt to school and then go to work, normally working with Abby until lunch and then Erin would come and eat with them some days.Then in the afternoon, she’d pop to Britt’s school and grab her from work, and Britt would do her homework in the lab until 5 when the day was over.If it wasn’t for Britt she’d stay longer, but she’s glad of the cuddles she gets on Erin’s sofa back at her apartment from her little sister, and them occasionally watching movies together on school nights.It had been three weeks almost now; it had flown by, but she’d hardly noticed.She’d kept asking Erin if she had the necessary equipment to repair the floor, and she’d kept putting off buying it.Jillian didn’t know if that’s because she wanted them around, or she just hadn’t had the time or what, but she hadn’t been complaining about it.

Today she’s asked Erin super duper nicely to get Britt from school, which is only really down the road and it seems like they get along like a house on fire anyway; plus, Erin’s on a half day and she said she’d be more than happy. _She’s an angel, dammit._ It’s a little risky, telling her a white lie thatshe’s busy at K.P. Higgins when really, she’s oiling the pseudo-wooden floor at Erin’s and putting the finishing touches to it.She happened upon it by a dumpster near the hardware store, somebody obviously dropping it on their way to their car at the back of the building.It’s going to need some time to dry, so she sits on the other side of the breakfast bar and sips at a glass of water, going through the photos on her shitty-ass flip phone while she waits for the floor to dry.It’s only 2:45, so they shouldn’t be back with subway traffic for at least an hour and a bit. 

As she flips through the photos, it’s all just cute little selfies of her and Britt, one of the littler Holtzmann laughing at a duck in central park, and one of Jillian doing snow angels at Christmas that year.They’d spent the night at the Salvation Army shelter; she hated and hates them, with a passion for their treatment of LBGT people, but Britt needed a Christmas.She was never going to deny her that, considering she could hardly afford to buy her a present.They’d had a good dinner and a bed for the night, and the two of them didn’t really hang around for carol singing the next morning.It boiled Jillian’s blood when she saw them harassing a gay couple coming out of the City Hall, having just gotten married, two days later.

The photos keep getting more recent. A couple seem to be taken from Riverside Park, and there’s one of the Empire State Building in the distance.

Then she sees them.

Four photos, all in a row.

Britt and Erin doing stupid faces at the camera, one with tongues sticking out, one with cheeks all puffed, another with crossed eyes, and finally, one with them both beaming at the camera.Britt looks so happy it makes her heart clench, and Erin, oh, _Erin_. 

She doesn’t think you’ve seen such a gorgeous sight.

She’s had girlfriends before.A whole bunch of them at MIT, all eventually giving up on her eccentricity and strange approaches to her work.She learned after a while to be okay with that, knowing that one day somebody would come along.But then, life happened, Britt happened, and her father died; all she could think about was surviving.Girls weren’t really on her list of priorities anymore, so she’d forgotten what it meant to attract girls and try and find somebody who liked her for her.She knows Erin would never like her in that way, and she can’t try and change that because she’s been the most amazing friend to her, and she’s only known Jillian a few weeks.

She wonders what will happen now that she’s done repairing the floor; she’ll be back to the streets for a while, putting Britt in somewhere cozy; but now she has the job, she’ll be able to get back on her feet and finally find an apartment for them both.She knows she’s in the beginnings of falling for Erin Gilbert, but she has to stop herself before it’s too late.Because once it happens, she knows it’s a hole she’ll never be able to dig herself out of. 

Not ever.

Suddenly, she hears keys in the door, and easy laughter singing from behind it.The two are just about to walk in, when Jillian all but shrieks.

‘NO!’

Erin’s heart leapt out of her chest, and both she and Britt looked up to see Jillian standing at the threshold between the kitchen and the living space.

‘What?!What’s wrong?’

‘You can’t, you can’t stand on the floor yet, it’s still drying,’ Jillian says, agitation clear in her voice.

‘Oh,’ Erin lets out, looking at the now pristine pseudo-wooden floor.‘Well in any case, it looks beautiful, Holtzmann,’ she declares, smiling in the engineer’s direction, who beams back with her flooring smile.

‘You guys can hang out in the park maybe, for a little bit?Sorry, I honestly didn’t think you’d be home so early,’ Jillian says regretfully, kind of kicking herself for her timing.

‘Not at all!Hey, why don’t you um…try and cross the kitchen…I have a surprise for you both anyway.’

‘I love surprises.What’s the surprise?’

‘JJ! Silly - that’s the point, you aren’t supposed to know!’ Britt exclaims, giggling a little at her own statement.

‘She’s right, Holtz.No spoilers.Come on, you played the floor is lava when you were little, right? So now it’s just…the floor is oil,’ Erin says with a wry grin on her face, challenging Holtz.

‘You got it sweetheart.The warrior shall begin…once she gets her bag and shoes.’

She runs to her and Britt’s makeshift room, picking up her ratty Docs and her satchel and goes back out to the living space. 

‘Alright you two, out of the way,’ she orders, and the other two move out of the doorway so Jillian can throw her bag and shoes over the floor.They land in the corridor, and then Jillian climbs up onto the barstool and then the breakfast bar, stepping onto the island and then onto the side near the door, gripping the door frame and swinging round so she lands in between Britt and Erin.Quickly pulling on her shoes and picking up her bag, she throws Erin a wink, who visibly blushes ( _whaaaaaat?_ ) and looks at her sister with wide, excited eyes.

‘Lessgo.’

Half an hour later, Erin tries to get Holtzmann to close her eyes so she can lead her to their final destination.

‘Gilbert, I know New York like the back of my hand.What’s the deal? Just show me where we’re going.’

‘Holtzmann, close your eyes.Britt and I can lead you out of the Subway.’

‘Allrriiiiiiiiggghhttt.’

After a couple of trips and a few disgruntled stares, they end up leading her down the sidewalk, and her face is screwed up in thought.

‘Okay, Holtz.Open,’ Erin says, so lightly that it’s almost a whisper.

And so she does, and in front of her, bustling with activity, is the Rockefeller Center Ice Rink, people milling about in the queues and children eating candy apples while holding on to their mother’s hands.

‘Erin?’ There are tears in her own eyes, and she turns to look at Erin, who sports a soft smile and there’s a glint in her eye.Holtz can hardly take her eyes off it.

‘A little birdy told me you hadn’t had a proper birthday party in three years.About time we change that, don’t you think?’

‘We’re…we’re gonna go on the…and we’re gonna skay…’the words die in her mouth, and her voice has become thick and tears are ready to spill.

‘It’s almost like you’ve forgotten it’s your birthday.Erin and I were talking and I mentioned it and she said we just have to have a birthday party!’ Britt exclaims, bouncing with excitement at the whole scene.

‘She also let me in on your secret that you’re a little bit of an ice-skating pro.It only opened last week, it was the perfect opportunity.’

‘Erin,’ Holtzmann can only whisper, and tear finally drops down her cheek.

‘Happy Birthday, Holtz.’

It’s not a violent hug.Not like the time when her father bought her a microscope for her 11th birthday, or when there was a fire at Britt’s preschool and she’d clutched onto her sister for dear life.No, they almost…fell into it.Holtzmann rests her cheek on Erin’s shoulder, trying to process what’s happening.She breathes Erin in, and she smells like lavender and coconut.It’s like coming home, she realises.

They pull apart, Erin’s hand still softly gripping Holtzmann’s upper arm.

‘Happy Birthday, Holtz.’

‘Hey gang, what’s going on?’

Out of the crowd come Patty and Abby, the former rubbing her hands together in glee and Abby with a wonderful smile on her face.

‘Happy Birthday Holtzmann, could have let us know it was today!We’re lucky mini-Holtzmann piped up, huh,’ Abby says, laughing a little while Erin joins her.

‘Yeah Happy Birthday baby, you had a good day so far?’ Patty chimes in, a large smile gracing her face as she addresses the engineer. The littler Holtzmann goes up to Patty, giving her a big hug.If there’s one super adorable thing that’s happened over the last few weeks, it’s the friendship between Patty and Britt - they read books, they talk about History and sports.They get on like a house on fire, and it makes Jillian’s heart soar.

‘Uhhh, yeah, yeah it’s been pretty normal, but now it’s so much better, thank you guys,’ Jillian says with a closed mouth smile, trying to keep her emotions in.

Erin puts a hand on the small of Jillian’s back, and the engineer has to regulate her breathing for a moment.

‘Who’s ready to skate?’

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

Holtzmann gears into action quicker than anyone else, almost running for the queue. 

‘Holtz, wait!I have tickets, we don’t need to queue,’ Erin tries to shout, but Holtzmann is too excited to hear her, situating herself at the end of the line.

Britt runs in front of the other three, guiding Jillian in the right direction, and they watch as she swings her sister round in her arms and picks her up to situate her on her hip.She hadn’t done that in a while.

They all smile at the scene.

‘They’re a really cute pair, aren’t they,’ Abby comments, smiling wryly at the two of them laughing at each other.

‘Man if I had a sister like that I’d be picking her up all the time, my brothers are little rascals,’ Patty says, shaking her head at the memories.

They wait in the line for only five minutes, and then they go in to get their skates, and finally, they’re all out on the ice, Patty and Abby helping each other round the rink while Holtzmann leads Britt.Erin’s leaning on the side, watching the latter two with an appreciation in her eyes that she’s never felt before.It’s terrifying, but God, it’s amazing. 

She takes a glance up at the Rockefeller Center, looking at all the lights on in the offices and the blue gleam on the top, where people go to view the city.She wonders what it would be like, to be up there with Holtzmann, arms wrapped around each other watching the world go by, 872ft high, on a cool winter night but feeling warm in Jillian’s arms.She gets lost in the thought, and she knows this isn’t how people think of their friends, but this isn’t exactly a normal friendship.It never has been, it started off so horribly strange, and it’s turned into something so wonderfully bizarre in less than a month. She wouldn’t change it for the world, even what happened in Riverside Park, because then she wouldn’t have met one of the most kind, weirdly wonderful people in the world, plus her adorable little sister.

‘Hey daydreamer.Not fancying the rink?’

‘No, I was just lost in my own world.Don’t worry about me, you have fun.’

‘Ah, but you see Gilbert, if I have fun I want you to join me.You did all this for me.The douchebag.The imbecile.You should at least get some enjoyment out of your own party.’

She lunges a little, and puts her head down, holding her hands out to Erin.The physicist can only giggle and take them, and they begin swaying round together hand in hand, Erin rather unsteady on your feet.

‘I got you there, speedy.Don’t worry ‘bout a thing.’

‘Where’s Britt?’

Jillian’s head pops up, looking round, and she sees Patty and Britt having a little race of their own on the other side of the rink, Abby in front of them both shouting ‘catch me if you can’.She points over to the others, her happiness glinting from her eyes behind her yellow tinted glasses.

‘Erin, if I tell you something, do you promise to not tell the others? Not even Britt?’

‘Sure, what’s up?’

‘I…I kind of forgot it was my birthday today?’

Erin’s eyebrows furrow.‘You forgot?’

‘Yeah, just with everything that’s been going on, I haven’t celebrated it in years…I just don’t really hold a lot a value to it any more.It’s usually just like any other day.But you uh… you just made it a hell of a lot more special.You made me remember what it was like to feel happy on my birthday, surprised, you know.I just wanted to say thank you for that.It means the world.’

The physicist’s eyes soften, and she looks into Holtzmann’s eyes as they keep skating.‘You’re more than welcome, Jillian.’

She definitely notices the blush on her cheeks at the use of her first name. ‘Is that, is that okay?I know you don’t normally use it but…I like it.It’s nice.I can stop if you want.’

‘No, no no.Please don’t.I like it, when you say it anyway.Sounds…nice coming out of your mouth.Sorry, that’s weird,’ Jillian says, chuckling a little bit and keeping her eyes in front of her. 

‘No, it’s okay,’ Erin says, a coy smile twitching at her lips.It’s like teenagers at a school dance, and the stolen glances they share as they glide around the rink are like something out of a Nicholas Sparks movie. _Damn, Patty was right._

They skate for a while more before they meet back up with the others.They find they only have fifteen minutes left, so naturally Abby’s light-bulb goes off in her head.

‘Who fancies races?Elimination, lap by lap, three laps with the last two!’ says Abby, giving everyone her kilowatt smile.

‘Yaaaaassss!I’m game, PB?’

‘Let’s go!’

‘Imma beat all yo’ butts,’ says Patty, censoring her language for the seven year old.Britt still titters at the word ‘butt’.

‘Erin? You want in?’

‘I’m good, you guys go. I’m referee!’

The rink wasn’t entirely busy, only allowing a certain number on at a time, but they still take the inside circle to try and make way for the rest of the tourists.

Everybody gets in position, and some people are starting to notice what’s going on with these five weirdos and they’re watching.

‘Okay ready! THREE! TWO! ONE! GO!’ Erin shouts, and everybody goes flying, beginning to skate round the rink.Abby’s leading, Holtzmann hot on her tail with Britt narrowly beating Patty.

Eventually, Abby flags a little bit at the end of the first lap and Britt takes second place, but Patty still bows out.

‘Damn, I really thought I had it! They’re flyin’ round there!’ she says, skating up to Erin who chuckles and keeps watching.

Britt flags back at the end of the second lap, claiming she wants to see Abby beat her sister.

‘Last three laps, you two!’

‘Come on blondie!’

The other three look to a forming crowd on the edge of the ice rink, who happen to be actively watching their little racing tournament.

‘Nah, glasses has got this!’

People are actually starting to join in the support, and it spurs them both on.

‘You ain’t catching me, Yates,’ Holtzmann shouts behind her, still skating at full speed as she comes round the bend.

‘Do you want your job tomorrow?!’

‘Don’t even joke about that!’

The final lap rounds, and half the rink is shouting in support of one or the other, and Holtzmann crosses Erin’s finish line with a flourish, hands in the air bowing to the small crowds.

‘Thank you much, I’m here all week,’ she declares to the people, who are still smiling but obviously losing interest now the fun’s over.

Britt slams into her, and she manages to keep on her feat while hugging her little sister, skating to the side with Britt wrapped round her waist.

‘Dr. Yates, good run,’ Holtzmann says, holding out a hand for her to shake.

‘Yeah, yeah, doofus, you keep smilin’, I want a rematch at Christmas, so watch yourself,’ Abby mutters, shaking Holtz’s hand nonetheless and leading the way to the exit, and their next destination.

They round a corner on the other side of the Rockefeller, and Holtzmann slaps Patty on the arm repeatedly, seeing where they’re going.

‘Bill’s Bar and Burger?! I haven’t been to one of these in years, oh my GOD! They do the best burger I’ve ever had, it was awesome!’

‘We know!We have a mini-informant, remember?She’s been very useful to be honest, we’re keeping her.’

They all have a chuckle at Abby’s comment, and Jillian wonders if…maybe…they wanna keep her too.She knows it’s a stupid thought, but her insecurities build in her body around a group of people.

But _God_ , look at all this stuff they did.For _her_ , of all people.She’s been on the receiving end of so much kindness in the last month that she hardly believes these people have become her friends.She feels accepted, and maybe even loved, and she’s terrified of losing it.But she’s going to have to talk to Erin tonight.She can’t keep doing this...she feels like too much of a burden.  It's eating away at her.

They reach the door, and Jillian’s about to go in behind the three others when she feels a tug on her jacket.It’s Erin, subtly asking for her attention.

‘We’ll be in in a sec, guys,’ the physicist says quietly, a small smile on her face as she looks at Patty.The historian picks up Britt, swinging her to the front of the three of them, and they go to get a table at the reception desk.

‘What’s up, are you okay?’

‘Yeah, I’m fine, I just um…I actually remembered that I have one more, present, for you,’ Erin says, tripping over her words a little as she gets out a small gift, wrapped beautifully in the appropriate paper - of course Erin would have categorised wrapping paper at home.

She hands it to Holtzmann gingerly, who raises one eyebrow to try and cover the emotion already settling in her eyes. _This woman’s a fucking gift._

Unwrapping it less than gently, it reveals a small plastic box with something inside.She takes the lid off, to see a keyring about a third of the size of her palm.She takes it out of the box, and rolls it around in her hand, loving the feel of it.It’s a little ghost, looking surprised, with a little bow tie where the neck would be.Laughing, she’s about to say thank you to Erin and looks up at her, when she sees Erin’s stoic face, waiting for it to click.

‘Erin…’

‘Might as well make it official, Jillian.You’ve been living at my place for over three weeks now, you’re part of the system, and so is Britt.You’re gonna be on your feet to try and get an apartment in only a few more weeks, and I don’t use that spare room for anything else.’

‘Erin, no, I can’t accept this, you’ve -‘

‘I’m gonna keep doing too much for you until you realise that I’m your friend.People help their friends.You’ve helped me, I’ve helped you.We’re in this together already, and that little girl in their is the biggest delight I’ve had around in years and you?Holtzmann, we may have started off in a bad place, but oh my god, I feel like I’ve made an amazing new friend.I just… this isn’t even about charity, it may have started out that way, just a little, but now it’s just logic.You’re gonna need an apartment, so it saves you looking for one, and I’m a physicist and you’re an engineer, we can put together a flat-pack bed.You guys can make that room your own.I know it’s not exactly what you were thinking when you got off the street, but it’s what I wanna offer you.Once you’ve started building up your savings, you can start paying rent.There’s no pressure.And…you look happy, Holtz.Britt said she hasn’t seen you this happy in years.’

‘Yeah, why do you think that is?I’ve made three amazing new friends, one of which is my boss.And my sister actually has a life now.I just…this is so amazing, Erin.I don’t deserve you,’Holtz says thickly, eyes brimming with tears.

‘Something tells me, after what you’ve been through, that you do deserve this,’ Erin replies, pointing to the keyring.‘So what do you say, Holtz?Will you be my roommate?’

‘Yes, thank you, oh my god,’ Jillian says, tears spilling as she wraps Erin in the warmest hug they’ve ever shared.She holds her like she’s never going to again, and Erin buries her face into Holtzmann’s neck, and they stand there for what feels like hours before pulling away.

They look at each other for a moment, and the stare is so captivating that Jillian’s almost worried about what she might do.So she decides to break the mood before things get awkward.

‘They’re totally gonna be singing me Happy Birthday in front of everybody aren’t they?’

‘Oh, absolutely.I specifically requested it,’ Erin says, leading them both into the restaurant.

‘Why would you do that?Ugh, it’s like being at Outback when I was ten all over again…’

The others try not to notice that, when Erin leads Jillian to the booth, she’s loosely grasping her hand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing that last bit made my eyes water.


	8. Waitin' On You To Say Something Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby and Holtz go to a symposium and leave Britt and Erin to their own devices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SORRY GUYS. It's been a really busy couple of weeks, so I apologise for the longer wait on the chapter this time. Hope y'all enjoy, and thanks again to Rose for beta-ing. <3

‘Hey Abby!’

‘Yeah Holtzmann? Nothing’s about to go nuclear again is it?’

‘….sure.Nah I called you over here,’ Jillian says in an excited voice, going over to the other desk and picking something up, ‘because we’ve just made a breakthrough.’

‘We have?’ Abby says, muted excitement seeping into her voice.

‘Oh yeah, baby, managed to actualise your theory of Psycho-Kinetic measuring, this baby right here should be able to measure the PKE wherever you go,I just finished it up now.’

‘Holtzmann are you serious? Are you sure it works?’

‘Well we won’t know until there’s a ghost, but if there’s a ghost anywhere near, this thing will spin like crazy.Trust me, I know it’s good.’

‘This is incredible, Holtz, really.You’re a damn genius.’

‘I try my best.OH, I almost forgot, come see what I’m working on over in this bit.’

She leads her to the other side of the lab, where a large chunk of metal with wires protruding from it sits, waiting to be worked on further.

‘This is my new prototype.I know we haven’t come into any contact yet, but when we do we’ll need something to rein it in.So this is gonna have a proton stream running right through there,’ Holtz says, pointing at one part, ‘and after I’ve finished getting this up and running I’m gonna try and build a trap contain it.It’s just a prototype so that’s a while away, but I’m getting somewhere with this baby.I haven’t worked on something like this in years and I’m living for it!’ Holtz finishes excitedly, looking up at Abby who’s just staring in awe.

‘Holtzmann…this is amazing.I’ve never seen anybody be able to just come up with this sort of technology in just over a month, we’re at a breakthrough here!’

‘You wait until we find some ghosts, Doc, we’re gonna be the Higgs and Boson of our age.It’ll be awesome.’

‘Did somebody say awesome?Because that’s what you’ll be calling me when you see what’s in here.’

It’s Erin who’s butted into their conversation, a bag full of chinese takeout in hand and a container of soup and wontons with the perfect ratio.

‘Yes, that is accurate,’ Abby says, making grabby hands for the soup as Erin walks in.

‘Can I see, Holtz?’ Erin asks, coming in for a one arms hug and pressing her cheek to Holtzmann’s as they both look at the contraption Holtz has made.

‘Course, here, see this? Gonna get a faraday cage round there and then…’

Abby watches as Erin peers into the invention, while Holtz excitedly explains the entire thing to her.She wonders when they might get their heads out of their asses and see their friendship for what it actually is, but it’s not like she’s going to push them. 

Erin’s had enough problems with love in recent years.When she’d met her, she was not in a good place.Depressed, overworked and friendless, she was studying to get her professorship and had gone to a bar to drown her sorrows away.She’d happened upon Abby at the bar itself; they’d bumped into each other and Erin had apologised profusely in her tipsy state, Abby simply waving her off as she looked at Erin properly.

‘You’re not doing so hot, huh?Work got you down?’

‘You could say that,’ Erin had slurred, giving the other physicist a sad smile. 

‘Would you like to join me and my friend?I’m Abby, and that’s Patty, she’s all good.’

‘It’s okay, I wouldn’t want to interrupt your evening -‘

‘Don’t be silly…?’ she’d paused, waiting for a name.

‘Erin.Erin Gilbert.’

‘Wait.The Erin Gilbert?The one with amazing test scores and pretty close to getting on tenure track?I’ve heard amazing things about you!’

‘Not all true, trust me.’

‘I doubt it.Look, we don’t have to talk about work, but please.We’d love to have you for one drink.’

And that had been it, really. She started to join them every Thursday night in the same bar, and eventually, she and Abby started bumping into each other in the Physics department as they’d both become professors of different levels.Eventually they started hanging out one weekends, and Erin’s life just got…better.

Until Phil.

Phil was Erin’s weak spot.They startedto date just as she’d gotten on the tenure track, and they looked pretty happy, but Patty was the first to point out to her spectacle-clad friend that Erin was bored.Their conversation seemed to be exclusively about Physics, and although she found it fascinating she knew precisely nothing about Phil.Not really, anyway.Neither Abby nor Patty voiced their concern, simply taking out their worries about the relationship and problems with Phil out on glasses of wine when Erin was on one of her dates.One day, six months into their supposed relationship - if you could even call it that - Erin casually mentioned her sexuality.

‘There was this amazing club in the east village, I went years ago once but Abby wants to take me there again.’

‘Oh, am I going to get an invite?’

‘…well sure, yeah, if you want.It’s mostly going to be women, it is gay ladies’ night.’

‘You’re going to a gay club?’

‘Well yeah, Abby and I are bisexual, so we get in for free and the drinks are cheap for New York.’

‘Oh.You could have told me that sooner.’

‘…Sorry, Phil, I didn’t think it would be so important to you.’

‘Well it is.I mean, how do I know you’re not just going to-’

‘Stop.Please do not say what I think you’re going to say.’

‘What?It’s true.It means I have double the competition for my girlfriend, it does bother me a little bit.’

‘Okay, you said it.You said it.Okay,’ Erin muttered to herself, grabbing her bag and sliding her phone off of the table into her coat pocket.

‘What are you - Erin!’

He got up from the table, following her out of the little Italian restaurant onto the sidewalk.They hadn’t even ordered, so it didn’t really matter.Erin had made a note of that before walking out on her date.

‘Erin where are you going?’

‘Somewhere where my supposed boyfriend, if I can even call you that, isn’t going to be a biphobic jerk,’ Erin fired back, glaring at Phil with fiery eyes.

‘Oh please, you know I’m right.It’s a known fact that bisexual people are more likely to cheat on their significant others,’ Phil defended, folding his arms to try and look a little tougher in a conversation Erin was clearly winning.

‘Oh really?Where’d you read that, OK! Magazine?’ Erin replied sarcastically, looking down the street for a moment before turning back to a blabbering Phil.

‘I need to know you’re going to be faithful to me.Being bisexual might mean that’s not the case.’

‘Why should I?’

‘…Excuse me?’The guy looked floored.Erin almost wanted to laugh.

‘Why should I? I mean, let’s be honest, we’ve never actually classified that this is A. a relationship, or B. in any way exclusive.I mean, don’t get me wrong, I haven’t slept with anybody else, but oh my God, you’re so…fucking boring!All we talk about is Physics!And I love Physics, and you’re making me hate it!Not to mention that I don’t know a single goddamn thing about you,’ Erin exclaims, and people have started to stop and watch.

‘Erin, calm down, you’re making a scene.’

‘No.You made a scene when you decided to say I’d be unfaithful because I am proudly bisexual.Just because I like both genders does _not_ mean that I’m more likely to cheat.The only reason somebody would cheat is because they’re a terrible person.Speaking of terrible people, I’m done with you.You’re fucking up-yourself, and you’re boring as shit.In every way.’

She knew that would hit his self-esteem in the gut, but she couldn’t bring herself to care.She can hardly believe she just did that.

‘See you around Phil. Hopefully not, though.’

She turned and walked in the direction of Patty’s apartment, where she knew the two were spending the evening.

Having stopped off at a liquor store on the way, she knocks on the door to Patty’s apartment, a rather large smile on her face and champagne bottle in her hand.

‘Oh God, he didn’t ask you to move in with him, did he? Oh _God_ , you didn’t say yes, did you?’ Abby asked from the couch.

‘I broke up with him.’

‘HALLELUJAH!’ Patty opened the door fully to let Erin in, running to the kitchen to get three champagne flutes.

They had sat and drank the bottle, laughed and Erin had cried for a few fleeting moments, wondering whether she’d done the wrong thing, but then it was mostly just agreeing that men were assholes and laughing over how Phil had looked like he was going to wet himself when Erin had walked away.

Now, seeing Erin and Holtzmann so perfectly in sync with each other, part of her wonders when one of them is going to get their butt in gear and ask the other out, but she knows that she shouldn’t push them.Patty knows it too.They know Erin inside out: this is her decision, and her move to make.She’ll make it if and when she’s ready. 

But it’s definitely a case of when.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Hey Gilbert, gonna need to ask you a favour,’ Jillian says through the phone, which is on speaker and sat on one of her lab tables, three weeks after her birthday.

‘What’s up, Holtz?’ Erin asks, making her way home on her half day and just coming out of the subway.

‘There’s this engineering symposium that Abby wants to go to, and wants me to go with her, it’s like, in a few days but it will be over the weekend so I was wondering if you could make sure Britt is okay?I’m going to tell her on the way home later today but I wanted to run it by you first, Abby understands if I need to cancel.’

‘No, oh my God don’t be silly, of course.Britt is fine with me, you know that.’

‘I’m aware, but you have your own life.Didn’t wanna steal that away from you without letting you know first,’ Holtzmann quips, putting her screwdriver down and letting her hands fall into her lap.

‘Honestly, your little sister is a gift.I can look after her, don’t worry.’

‘Good, because that’s all I’m getting you for your birthday.’

‘My birthday is in July, Holtzmann.It’s November.’

‘HAPPY BIRTHDAY! Have a lil’ Holtzmann.’

_Wouldn’t mind the full size Holtzmann, personally.OH my God, Erin, shut your brain up right now._ Right _now._

‘Whatever, Holtz.See you at home.’

Holtzmann can’t keep the wistful grin off her face as she looks up, her eye focusing on only one thing.

‘See you at home, Er,’ she mutters softly, letting Erin hang up the phone first.

The engineer gets up, and goes over to where she’s been looking; there, sitting on her desk next to her Supergirl POP!Funko, is a photo frame; simple, carved out of metal that Abby had bought her for her birthday, leaving it empty and proclaiming she was going to take the photo that night.And so she had; in the frame, there’s a selfie of all five of them on the ice.Britt’s shorter frame is in the middle of the selfie, her head and shoulders only just making it in while everybody leans down to the camera.Patty and Abby are both donning open mouthed smiles, while Erin’s is toothy and real - Jillian’s smile is closed mouth, but you can see the joy just pouring out of her face.She and Erin have the sides of their heads pressed against one another, and the subtleness of the closeness between them, that doesn’t seem to be the same for Abby and Patty, isn’t lost on the engineer.She muses, and hopes…but she knows she can never take that road.There’s one line she cannot cross.And it’s exactly that.

‘Hey, Holtz, did you get Erin?’

‘Yeah.She’s good, we’re good to go on Friday,’ Holtzmann says, her voice a little distracted by her previous thoughts.If Abby picks up on it, she doesn’t say a word about it.

‘Awesome. Road trip!’

‘Yeah, buddy.Lookin’ forward to it,’ Holtzmann says, a soft, wry smile on her face as Abby turns on the boombox in the corner.As she returns to her work, she can’t help but bop to aHa’s Take on Me.

She glances at the photo way too often that afternoon.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Alright squirt, behave yourself for Erin okay?’

‘I will, I’m not a little kid anymore JJ.’

‘Alright, alright.Thanks again for this, Gilbert, I’ll see you both on Monday okay?’

She gives Britt another quick hug, and before she knows it she’s wrapping her arm around Erin’s shoulders, before either of them can register it.

It could be like any other normal hug, just two friends wishing each other a safe goodbye, but it’s just not.Erin’s eyes are closed, and Holtz’s nose lightly presses into Erin’s thick auburn hair just behind her ear.Erin shivers, and Jillian feels it, but the little one can’t see it.She knows there’s something up, but she doesn’t dare to press it.She knows how awkward JJ can get about these things.

After a few seconds longer than it should be, they reluctantly part, and Jillian walks in the direction of the subway station, heading for Abby’s apartment.

Britt looks up at Erin at the same time the older woman looks down.

‘Wanna go get hot dogs in the park?’

‘You’re a terrible role model.’

‘You’re getting a hot dog out of it,’ Erin fires back, a wry smile on her face as she playfully glares at the girl, both of them turning and sauntering in the direction of the park.

‘This is true,’ Britt giggles as the physicist bumps the the girl in the shoulder with her waist.They walk in sync, laughing as they go, and they don’t notice Holtzmann looking back at them, eyes near filling with tears at the happiness radiating from the both of them.

Her heart fills with happiness as she descends into the subway.

Two hot dogs each later, Britt and Erin are walking through the Riverside Park in comfortable silence.Not a moment too soon, Britt begins to run slowly, veering to the right of the path, and Erin notices where she’s going to stop.

It’s the railing.

That railing where she’d been leaning, the night that a hooded figure had put a knife near her face and shakily told her to hand over her possessions.

She freezes in the middle of the path.She didn’t remember it being right here before, but seeing Britt looking back at her, smiling, so much like Holtzmann, brings everything crashing back down.

It’s such a strange thing to look back upon; one moment she was fearing for her life, and in the next second it had all fallen to bits and her _mugger_ was trying to coax her out of a panic attack.Almost two months had gone by, and she’d almost forgotten.

Almost.

She’s forgiven Holtzmann, thoroughly and completely.There’s no question in that.But the memory remains.

In this moment, right here, right now, she resolves that instead of dwelling on such things, she wants to make new memories in this spot.With Britt, right now, with Holtzmann, with her friends.

Touching each finger to her thumb, slowly and steadily, she takes a deep breath.Once she’s sure she’s going to be okay, she joins Britt at the railing, looking out upon the Hudson River once again, and she smiles to herself.This view is wonderful, both day and night.They stay there for a while, keeping the comfortable silence: something she’s almost surprised a seven-year-old is so content with.

As they saunter back to the apartment as evening falls, Britt notices the smile that’s crept onto Erin’s face while they talk about movies they’re going to watch.The little girl doesn’t know that Erin’s thinking of the way Holtzmann’s face lights up when she smiles that close-mouthed smile, and how her eyes shine through those yellow glasses…how it makes her heart stop, just a little bit.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

Once they’re inside, Erin takes off her own coat and helps Britt with hers, putting both up on the hook behind the door (something which Holtzmann had installed without telling her.She wasn’t complaining). Britt runs and sprawls herself out on the sofa, obviously tired from the day’s activities; school is getting a little harder, and she’s trying her best to keep up.She’s honestly okay with it, but she knows she has three amazing scientists to ask for help and a knowledgeable historian.Her life is so much for filled with wonderful things now, and yet it seems so much simpler.She adores her new little family.

‘Can we put on a movie?’

‘Sure honey, what do you feel like?’

‘Alieeennnnnnssss!’

‘Aliens, really?Well I don’t think your sister would be too happy if I put on Alien vs. Predator for you,’ Erin quips with a wry grin.The little one giggles, and shifts on the sofa as Erin pours her a glass of milk; it’s like clockwork now.Every day, when she gets home, she likes a small glass of milk and maybe a cookie if there are any.The person she stayed with before never gave her cookies, but Erin does.Erin does every time they’re in the house.Turns out, today, that she has them.They’re a weird looking cookie, Britt deduces, looking at the shape of them.It’s a sandwich square, with a smiley face in the middle of it which shows the chocolate in the sandwich cookie. 

‘What are these?’ Britt asks, her brow furrowing as Erin hands her the goodies and sits next to her, her own glass of Diet Coke in hand.

‘Oh well they’re called BNs. They’re from the UK, a friend of mine sent them over, I went there for an exchange year while I was at Princeton and fell in love with these.Try it, it’s really good,’ Erin says, pointing to it as Britt examines it closely.She takes a small bite, and when her face lights up Erin visibly relaxes, a knowing smile gracing her features. 

‘Okay so, alien movies…how about ET?’

Britt’s eyes go wide, and she sucks in a breath that obviously shows she’s way too excited.‘I love ET!’

‘Well then, ET it is.’

She really isn’t prepared for when, after she’s put in the movie and settled back into the sofa, Britt snuggles into her side and rests her head on her collarbone. 

For a moment, she’s blindsided.She remembers the last time a kid climbed onto her lap a little like this; it was her little second cousin, Alfie, while they were all watching The Polar Express on Christmas Eve.The house was huge, enough to accommodate everyone - she remembered it well - and there were definitely enough sofas for everyone to have a good foot of space.But, sure enough, Alfie climbed into her lap and slung his arms round her neck like a baby chimpanzee, and she remembers smiling as he snuggled further when she held onto him just that little bit tighter.She’d felt his mother glaring at her; she wasn’t entirely sure why, she’d never done anything to hurt this woman.She was the daughter of Erin’s aunt, and they’d almost grown up together, but they had gone in different directions.Siobhan had strong ties with her Irish family, her father’s side, and she’d converted to Evangelicalism before she’d even reached her 18th birthday.Of course, the family knew this, but they were a tolerant one.They still spent Christmas all together every year, and Alfie was only five years old, and she’d cherished every single one with him.That night, when Alfie had gone to bed, she’d been cornered by Siobhan as she’d gone to the kitchen to grab another glass of eggnog for her and her mother. 

‘May I have a word, Erin?’

‘Um, sure, what’s up?’

‘I just wanted to broach a particular subject with you, if I may.I was talking with your father, earlier, about your graduation and he’d mentioned you were um… how to put this…’

‘Oh.He mentioned my date to my graduation party.Eliza?’

‘Yes, that’s the one.I didn’t know you were a…lesbian.’

‘I’m not, I’m actually bisexual, but I understand the, confusion, sorry is there a point to this conversation?’ Erin asked, glancing into the living room where her mother was looking more and more anxious without her eggnog.She pretended not to notice the way Siobhan flinched at the word ‘bisexual’.Her heart began to sink.

‘Yes.Actually.I was wondering if you could keep it on the downlow around my son.He’s extremely young and he doesn’t need this kind of…vocabulary in his head before he’s ready to deal with what it means.’

‘Well to be honest, I don’t see how it would come up in a conversation with a five year old, but I also don’t see how it’s such a huge problem.I know your stance on this kind of stuff, Siobhan, but you don’t need to rub it in my face.’She was proud of that; she’d turned the usual problem people had with LGBT people and shoved it in Siobhan’s face.She felt goddamn clever.

‘Well you don’t need to be rubbing your sexuality in everyone’s faces.You know it’s …sinful.’

Erin was fed up now.She’d been through this many times, and it was one of the few things that she always championed about her personality.She was bisexual, that was who she was, and that was it.She got anxious over many, many things, and her sexuality was never one of them.Her parents supported her, her friends supported her, and she wasn’t going to let her cousin change that.She got a little closer to Siobhan, who visibly bristled at the move, and her face turned serious.

‘Look.I am a scientist.I teach particle physics for a living.So I know for a fact that going to heaven or hell is purely a belief thing, because there is absolutely no evidence for it solidly existing.So I’m not going to hell, or heaven for that matter, because to me? It doesn’t exist.And even if it did, you’d be right there with me - ‘do not judge lest ye be judged?’ Ring a bell?’

‘How dare you.You may have poisoned this family, but you will NOT poison my son.’

The argument had escalated enough the entire living room could hear.Erin’s mother got up, and slowly put herself between the two women, and only she could notice the glassiness now glazing over Erin’s eyes.

‘It is Christmas Eve.I will not have you arguing over this now, do you hear me?Siobhan, you know better than to judge people, or tell them they’re poisoning people.I will have a word with you later.And Erin? Don’t start getting all scientist on us here.You know this is a Christian home.’The warning to Erin was half-hearted, she could tell.When Alfie went up to bed, and gave everybody a hug, she could feel Siobhan’s eyes burning into her back.The next day, she saw hardly anything of the boy, only giving him his present and getting a quick hug before his mother whisked him away to play in the snow, and at dinner he was at the far end of the table.She missed the little guy.

On Boxing Day, she woke up at 9:30 to find Alfie, Siobhan and Mike had left two hours before.She hasn’t seen any of them since. 

So this, this little girl who has grown to like her so much, who appreciates her company and knows how much she cares about Jillian just makes her heart soar. 

She takes her arm out from next to Britt and wraps her arm around the girl’s shoulders, and they sit in comfortable silence and watch ET. 

When it gets to ET Phone Home, they both giggle at the voice; Britt repeats it a few times, and Erin’s full on body laugh almost has her in tears.She hasn’t felt this content in a while.

‘ET Phone Home…know what that sounds like?’

‘What? What does it sound like, because I think it just sounds funny,’ Erin replies, wiping a few tears from her cheek.

‘EG Phone Home!’

‘EG? You mean…?

‘EG!Erin Gilbert!’

‘But I don’t need to phone home, I am home!’

‘I know, but it sounds like a good nickname.’

‘…Does it now?’

‘EG.It fits.’

‘It sure does.’

‘Is that okay? To call you that?’

‘Of course it is, sweetheart.I like it.Short and sweet, just like PB and JJ.’

‘You’re part of the initial gang now!’

Erin puts her into a loose headlock, giving her a rub with her fist on her head before letting her go, both of them still giggling; Erin feels like a child, but it’s okay.She feels like she’s gained a little sister she never ended up having.

By the end of the movie, Britt is fast asleep in Erin’s lap and the physicist smiles, and pulls her phone out of her pocket.Taking a selfie of them both, a silly expression on her own face, she messages it to Holtzmann in the hopes she can start a conversation with the engineer.

Only five minutes later, Jillian picks up her phone as an infomercial plays in her hotel room and she gives a lopsided smile as she sees the photo and accompanying message.

**_EG: Took at this lil’ bundle of adorablenesss.JPG >_ **

**_Jillian: Y’all are cute as hell.You guys staying gold back home?_ **

**_EG: Of course we are.I think I've even been given a place in your nickname gang.We were watching ET and she started calling me EG…if it bothers you tell me?_ **

Her heart lurches.That’s only her and Britt’s thing.It always has been.But, for some unknown reason (let’s not lie, it’s totally known) she doesn’t find herself minding in the slightest.She’s already joined it anyway…Jillian glances at the name on her phone for the physicist.

Jillian: Not a problem, sweetheart.I’m sure we’ll survive with another member of the gang. ;)

**_EG: We miss you._ **

Jillian’s heart stops this time.

**_Jillian: I’m missing you too, Er.Like crazy._ **

**_EG: Well, I better get this one to bed before her spine curves.Goodnight, enjoy the symposium tomorrow :)_ **

**_Jillian: Will do.Lo-_ **

She backspaces those last two letters.

**_Jillian: Will do.Have a good night. ^^_ **

Erin closes her phone, and takes Britt to bed.In Atlantic City, Jillian sets a new wallpaper for her phone.She didn’t do it before because she didn’t have the guts; but she can’t help but do it now. 

God, she can’t keep denying how she feels for much longer.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Morning sweetie,’ Erin says, looking at Britt rubbing her eyes as she dumps herself on the sofa.

‘Hi EG, how did you sleep?’

‘Well, thank you.How ‘bout you?’ Erin asks, glancing at the girl as she begins to put the water and pod into the coffee maker.

‘Good.Aren’t you going for your run?’

‘I can’t this morning, nobody’s here to make sure you’re okay.’

‘I can look after myself, you know,’ Britt replies, in that voice that’s way too sassy for her age.

‘I know that, munchkin, but I don’t wanna be in trouble with your sister,’ Erin explains, giving the younger girl a smirk. 

‘You could never get in trouble with my sister, she likes you too much,’ Britt says, bounding up to the breakfast bar and taking a seat on one of the stools with mild difficulty.

‘Uh huh, and how do you know that?’

Britt only grins and then hides her face in response.Erin wants to ask more, but she knows if she does she’ll get nothing but honesty.She’s not sure if she’s ready to hear it.

‘Well, you like running, right? Wanna go run in the park?’

Britt’s face lights up like a Christmas Tree.‘Really?!’

‘Yeah!You always run better with a partner, trust me.’

‘Yesyesyes please!Let’s go!’

‘Alright, go get dressed and then we’ll go,’ Erin says with a grin, and as Britt sprints to her room to get ready, she can’t help but feel her heart contract.

Fifteen minutes later, they’re running through the park and Erin has to get Britt to pace herself.‘You’re going to be huffing and puffing before you know it, you need to make sure you can run for a while!’

‘My best event is the 800 metres, Erin!’

‘How do you even know the events, let alone do them? You’re seven, I don’t…since when is that in elementary school gym class?’

‘It isn’t.I do it myself. I looked it up in the Olympics book I got from the library.Then I asked at school and my gym coach showed the distances.She took me to the big field and everything!’

‘…That’s incredible, Britt. Really.’

‘Thanks, EG.That’s pretty awesome coming from you, you’re not even puffed out right now.You can run forever!’

‘I very much down that, sweetheart, but I do try.Hey!Wanna do a 100 metres race on the stretch next to the River?’

‘YES! Last one to the finish line is a ghost!’Britt darts away and begins to sprint away from Erin, heading for the stretch.

‘Hey! Wait, we didn’t start yet!’

‘You snooze you lose!’

Erin takes a huffy breath and runs to catch up with the girl, a wry smile on her face the entire way.

Later on, she sends a photo to Holtzmann of the both of them puffed out in the park, radiant smiles on both of their faces.She wants to not think much of it when she doesn’t get a reply, but she can’t help but let it seep into her consciousness that Jillian’s not answering. _She’s probably just busy,_ Erin muses.

_But what if she’s not?_

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

Abby and Jillian are well on the way back to New York when Abby notices the occupied look Jillian sports on her face.

‘What’s up with you, moody pants? We haven’t heard Devo once this trip.’

‘I dunno.Just got a lot on my mind.’

‘Wanna offload? Not like I’m doing much but driving,’ Abby replies, glancing over at Jillian who’s got her head against the window, her eyes downcast into the footwell.

‘It’s okay.’

‘Nah, come on, Jilly.Not like you to not be smiling, I miss it.’

She can’t help but let the side of her mouth twitch into a lopsided smirk.

‘There you go,’ Abby says in response, letting her own smile appear. ‘What’s getting you down?’Her eyes focus back on the road as she waits for an answer.

‘I’m just… there’s something that’s been bothering me for a while.I can’t really talk about the specifics, but…but it’s eating away at me and I don’t know how to get it to stop.I don’t want to bother anyone with it but it’s killing me.’

‘Oh, Holtz, come on, buddy what is it?’

‘I can’t, I can’t say it.I can’t, I’m sorry,’ Jillian mutters, and her face contorts so much that it looks as if she’s going to cry.The glassiness in her eyes tells Abby that much.It breaks her heart.

‘Okay, well, if you can’t tell me at least…talk to Erin.I’m sure she’d understand.Telling her how you feel is the first step.It could lead to so many better things,’ Abby says, gently trying to broach what she thinks is the subject. _God, she’s clueless_ , Jillian thinks.

‘If I do, it could change everything.I could lose her,’ Jillian almost whispers. _Oh, the irony._

_‘_ And if you don’t, it could break it apart too.Take the risk, Holtz, she’s a lot more open than you seem to think.I’ve known her a while and…I know when she really cares about someone.I can see it in the way she looks at you.Look, whatever happens, you won’t lose her.I’m pretty sure of that.’

‘It hurts,’ Jillian manages to choke out, and Abby’s heart cracks in two.The guilt eats away at her every day.

They sit in silence for the rest of the drive back.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘JJ!’

‘Come here PB, I’ve missed you!’

Britt launches herself at her sister, wrapping her arms around her neck and letting herself be lifted up. As Jillian does so, she catches Erin’s eye and bright smile, and her stomach lurches.She knows the look on her face isn’t good, but she’s not prepared to see Erin’s brow furrow and smile fade.

‘Hey!’ Abby says, coming in from behind Holtzmann to hug Erin.She’s distracted by the look on Jillian’s face, but she hugs her best friend back anyway, relishing in the warmth.

It’s 9pm, and Britt has been up a little too late, so Jillian announces that she should really get to bed.

‘Come on, squirt, it’s past your bedtime.I can read you some of your Olympic book?’

She really loves that book.She took it out of the library, and Jillian’s pretty sure it’s well overdue, but she wasn’t exactly going to make her give it back.

She remembers the first time that they sat down and watched the Olympics together.She was four years old, and they were watching the 200 metre final in London.Her eyes were transfixed on the television, and she felt her heart constrict at the way Britt was so excited by it all, Usain Bolt running like a cheetah and Yohan Blake barely managing to keep up.It was like watching perfection on a track, and as she noticed the hope in Britt’s eyes she felt so much pride in the very moment Britt set her goal in her head.She was so proud of her little sister.

She couldn’t say the same for herself. 

‘Hey I…I can do it, if you like? Give you two some time to…to catch up.’

Jillian’s heart stops.

‘Um, yeah, thanks Abby,’ Erin says, confused by the soft tone of voice. 

She gives Britt a quick hug goodnight, all without looking away from Jillian. Abby looks at the engineer, inclining her head slightly, and she looks Erin right in the eye.Erin’s rather terrified of what this all means.

Once they’re alone, Jillian wrings her hands together so hard that her knuckles turn white.She has to get this out, or it’s going to kill her.

‘Okay so…this weekend, while I was away from you, and from Britt I suppose but mostly you, I just…I realised that I have a lot more feelings about how this all started than I thought I did.’

Erin’s face falls into a crestfallen expression, but Jillian continues knowing that if she doesn’t she’ll fall apart.

‘I know you’ve said you forgive me, I get it.I really do.But I still feel so, so guilty.I put you through a really scary moment in your life, and I cannot forgive myself for that.I stooped to a new low I never thought I would hit and I made a terrible decision that I just can’ live with.This hurts, so, so much, Erin.I feel like I’ve let everybody down, and the guilt is eating away at me like a goddamn parasite and I don’t know what to do about it.I value your forgiveness, I promise, I do…but it’s not enough to make me forgive myself.’

Erin’s cheeks are tracked with tears, and she can’t help it because it just isn’t how this night was supposed to go.She was going to put Britt to bed, put a movie on for her, Jillian and Abby, and she was kind of looking forward to falling asleep with her head resting on Holtzmann’s shoulder.

So much for that.

‘Jillian…I don’t know what to say.I’ve tried to make you see i forgive you, but please, you have got to help me help you forgive yourself. You deserve better than feeling like this, what you did was once and wasn’t even something you felt comfortable doing, you’re better than what happened that night -‘

‘Erin, I mugged you.Do you understand that? I took your sense of self-security away, and I stood on it and smashed it into the ground.I made you feel unsafe, and I made you feel terrified, I set off your panic attack!I’m a fucking terrible human being, and you deserve better than a roommate like me.I’m not okay with what I’ve done to you, and it floors me that you’re in any way okay with it either.I don’t understand how you don’t get it.I tried to rob you-’

They hear a mug shatter, and Jillian’s heart begins to beat faster than it ever has in her life.

‘You did what?’

Erin steps forward and tries to talk. ‘Abby, wait-’

‘Are you serious? That’s how you met her?you said it was complicated but you didn’t say she tried to steal your goddamn wallet,’ Abby says, her voice thick with tears. ‘And you? I trusted you, you became my friend!How could you?!’

Jillian simply hangs her head in shame.

‘We worked through it.I forgave her, I know this is weird but it’s in the past…’

‘Well clearly, it’s not.She’s got a lot of shit to work through, including reducing my best friend to a wreck,’ Abby says, a snarl milling in her voice.It cracks Jillian clean in two.Tears are streaming down her face.

‘Abby, she was desperate.’

The firmness in her voice is not to be mistaken.‘A lot happened that night, and I talked to her, I found out her situation and I forgive her.I will not lose her because of this.That could have happened many times before and it didn’t.’

‘Well it’s different for me.This is a lot.She did something terrible, and it doesn’t exactly seem like she’s paid for what she’s done.’

Jillian pipes up then. ‘Erin, she’s right-’

‘No!No, she is not. She isn’t right.You have paid enough, with the life you were living before.You have suffered enough.’

‘Then why does it still hurt so much?’

Abby throws her hands up, and picks her bag up off of the floor, glaring at Holtz with a fervour the engineer never thought she could.  Everyone is in bits, and it's such a mess.

'I can’t be here, this is too much. You? Take a week away from work.Sort out your shit, and you better hope I’ve worked through all this crap for myself next week, or you’re out on your ass.’

Erin looks like she wants to argue, but she sees Jillian shake her head slightly, closing her eyes as a couple more tears slip out.

‘Abby, please. Try and hear me out.’  Erin's desperate now.  It's all falling apart around her, and she feels like she's going to as well.

‘No.I need time to process this.I’ll see you around,’ Abby bites out, leaving the mess on the floor and shutting the apartment door behind her.

They both stand there for a minute or so in complete silence, taking in what’s just happened.After a while, Jillian begins to move, picking her jacket up off the floor by her bag and going towards the door.

‘Jill, please…please don’t leave.’

‘I’ll be back.I just need to think.I’m really sorry, Er,’ she almost whispers, her voice cracking on the mention of Erin’s name.

As the door shuts for a second time, Erin’s left with a shattered mug that she feels resembles what’s happening inside her.

Not to mention that she feels as if she’s a foreigner in her own apartment, because her home just walked out the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry. It was coming, y'all know it.


	9. Running And I'm Just Enough, Uh-Oh, I Got Stamina

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things come to a head in the Gilbert-Holtzmann apartment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HERE YOU GO I AM SO SORRY IT'S NOT VERY LONG AND IT'S NOT BETA-D BUT I THOUGHT YOU GUYS HAD BEEN WAITING TOO LONG. I did explain on Tumblr, but for those who don't frequent the site I've basically been knee-deep in midterms this week, so apologies for the lateness of this. It's short but sweet.

_Two Weeks Ago_

 

_They were walking down the New York street, arm in arm like the old friends they felt they were becoming.It was Erin’s half day, and Abby had let Holtzmann take the half-day because the weather was unseasonably good and she’d made so much progress with the PKE Meter. It wasn’t finished yet, but damn, it was close._

_A turn was taken into Central Park, and they bought a hot dog each and talked about anything and everything, relishing in their free time together.Finding a bench, they ate their hot dogs in contented quiet, watching the world go by and letting their minds rest for a few moments._

_At one point, Erin got up to put their hot dog wrappers in the garbage, and stretched before she did so.That’s when Jillian saw it._

_At the waistband of her jeans, which are slung low almost on her hips, and below her top which has been drawn up by the stretching, lies a simple, black tattoo of a nautilus shell, with the golden ratio as its spiral._

_Jillian’s jaw just dropped, trying to process that Erin-Demure-As-All-Hell Gilbert has a tattoo._

_She keeps the expression for a moment, at least until Erin came back, and the confused look on the physicist’s face was enough for her to slowly push her jaw back up so that it’s closed.Erin kept her expression, waiting for an answer from the engineer.It amused Jillian, the little furrowed eyebrows and the wry smirk on Erin’s face._

_‘Sorry I just…Erin Gilbert has a tattoo and it’s a lot to process.’_

_Erin momentarily looked down at where the tattoo was now covered, and laughed a little, before turning her attention back to the engineer._

_‘Oh, that, yeah.I just feel like it’s uh…I got it when I was 21, I was young and stupid, but I feel like these days it reminds me that nothing in life can really be perfect, so just keep going because what you’re doing is…’_

_‘The best you can do, and that’s enough.’Jillian finished Erin’s sentence for her, and she timidly tucked the loose end of the bow in her headband back around the main band, looking more shy than she has since Erin met her._

_‘Exactly.Yeah.I just felt like…that’s who I wanted to be.I’d come out to my parents that year, and although their reaction wasn’t necessarily bad, it wasn’t what I’d hoped for, but it took me a while to realise nothing was going to be the perfect way I wanted it to be, but that didn’t mean…it didn’t mean I couldn’t try, and if I felt I’d done my best I tried really hard to make sure that satisfied me, because it meant I was giving my best to the world.’_

_Jillian didn’t reply at first.She just watched Erin talk with such awe on her face, not aware that her eyes had become glassy behind their yellow lenses, and ignoring the lump in her throat as Erin Gilbert tugged on every heartstring she had._

_‘I feel like you used to feel all the time.I…because I have Britt, and she’s my world, you know, I just want to make sure she’s having a good time in her life and that her life is something she loves and she doesn’t feel like she’s being left out of the world because she doesn’t have enough money, you know? I’ve always tried my best to provide for her, and she’s always said it’s been enough.It’s always been enough for her, but there are just these moments when I see her face drop when I said she couldn’t go to that party because it was too far on the other side of town to reach, or that she couldn’t have that chocolate bar that day because the money had to be for the motel we were saving for that night.I just…I tried so hard, and I still felt like it wasn’t enough.I still feel like that, really, even though now we’re so comfortable because you’ve been so goddamn kind to us, but dammit, Erin, I just…I still feel like she hasn’t had the life she deserves up to this point.She deserves everything, you know? Your generosity has given her everything.And I thank you so much for that. But trust me when I say I know how 21-year-old you feels.’_

_‘Well,’ Erin began, taking Jillian’s hand for a moment and squeezing it as she looked her directly in the eye, ‘one day soon, maybe you’ll feel like you’re enough for the world, and that you don’t have to be perfect even though you’re pretty goddamn close.You’re wonderful, Jillian, and even though it might take some time for you to remember that and accept it, you’ve done everything you can for that little girl and she adores you for it, and just because you’re you.Don’t ever forget that, Jill.Ever.’_

_Erin squeezed Jillian’s hand again, and this time, she got a squeeze back._

_Later on, they were walking through Central Park to one of the entrances, about to leave it to go the subway when Erin spotted a street jewellery maker._

_‘Ooooh, I love these, can we look at them?’_

_‘Sure,’ Jillian said fondly, eyeing them herself.They were truly unique pieces, obviously made with good metal; she could tell.She wondered how much it all was for a moment, wondering if buying one for Erin would be a move too soon, considering they weren’t together, and never would be._ One can hope.

_’Look at this one,’ Erin said, gently picking up the necklace and turning it over delicately with her slender fingers.The artist looked up for a moment, a flicker of hope in his eyes as somebody showed interest in his work, but then went right back to crafting._

_It was two circles, neither of them entirely perfect but still absolutely gorgeous as the rose gold glinted in the faint sunlight above them, which was now finally clouding over as late afternoon approached in Manhattan._

_‘How much for this, sir?’_

_‘100 dollars.’_

_‘Dammit, do you take card?’_

_‘What does this look like, Tiffany’s?No I don’t take card.Come back when you got cash for me.’_

_Jillian grimaced at the man’s uninterested tone while Erin dejectedly put down the necklace, and they walked away arm in arm._

_‘It’s okay.He’ll be there next time.’_

_He wasn’t there next time, and the look on Erin’s face was enough to leave a little crack in Jillian’s heart._

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

Present Day

 

She’s been sat there for what feels like hours.It’s probably only approaching 20 minutes, but it just feels like a lifetime as she’s pooled on the floor alone, only the little seven year old sleeping in the next room to keep her company, but not really. She’s become pretty good at being alone; it’s only in the last two months that she’s started to want social interaction with people, and when two specific people entered her life she found herself wanting it more and more, to share in their lust for life that show in glimpses of their days together.

But now, Holtz has left and Abby has left, and Holtz said she was coming back but…

Looking over at the coffee table, she makes the decision to shuffle over and grab her phone, sniffling a few times before finding the right number, and pressing dial.

‘Erin?It’s a little late, what’s goin’ on?’

‘Patty can you come round? Please?I really…’ she breaks.The dam just…bursts.She can’t hold it in anymore.The sheer pain of watching Abby walk out that door, on her, on Holtzmann just hits her like a brick, and the second one, the heavier one is Holtzmann following behind, but not following Abby at all.God, this is is such a mess.

‘Okay, I’ll be over soon.Hang tight, Patty’s coming,’ the older woman says gently into the phone, and Erin can only let out a sob.

She hears a soft goodbye before letting the phone drop to her lap, forcing her head in one of her hands telling her to stop.She’s beginning to have trouble breathing, and she knows she’s descending the wrong way but she can’t stop and well…it’s not like there’s anyone there to stop her.

Ten minutes later, there’s a rap at the door.She doesn’t know how she manages to rise and trudge her way over to it, but she does and opens the door to Patty, who’s holding a pizza box and sporting a rather sympathetic expression.

Erin holds back her sobs.

‘Baby, what _happened_?’

‘It’s complicated.’

‘Patty is a historian.Patty does complicated.Lay it on me.’

‘I…’ Erin can’t do it.She just sighs, and lets Patty in properly.Erin leans against one side of the breakfast bar, while Patty takes a stool on the other side and focuses on her best friend. 

‘Where’s Holtz? I thought she was getting back tonight,’ Patty remarks, looking around the flat as she sees the telltale duffel bag on the floor near the front door. 

‘She…she’s gone for a while.Abby and I…well all of us…there was a fight.’

‘Erin, what happened, please baby, you know I’m not good with suspense.’

‘Abby has…issues with how I met Holtz.’

Patty tenses up at this.She doesn’t know, and she’s always been curious.

‘If I tell you, you have to just listen.Not judge, just just listen.Please?’

Patty’s eyebrows furrow, but she lets out a noise of assent.

‘Okay um…where do I start…I was out for my midnight walk, you know in the park, it was a Friday and I was…I was just looking at the river and I didn’t have anything on me, I was just sort of taking in the view.I turned around at one point…and there was a knife.In my face.It was like a medium Swiss Army knife, a lot like mine actually, and this figure in a hoodie was holding it and told me to give them everything I had.I’d left my own Swiss Army in the apartment by accident, so I had nothing to defend myself with. The voice was really, really shaky, like they were obviously terrified.That’s when I…when I said I didn’t have anything on me, and I…I fell into a panic attack.’

Patty’s eyebrows raise slightly, but Erin ploughs on with her story.

‘I couldn’t breathe, I could hardly see, and the next thing I know this person who’s just tried to mug me is talking me through the motions to bring me back to reality, try and reel me in from the panic attack.When I realised it was the person, just with their hood down, I could put a face to my attacker.It was a woman. It…’

She can’t bring herself to say it, but she doesn’t need to.

‘Oh my God…Holtz.’

Erin just nods once.Patty is frozen in a mildly shocked expression, so Erin decides to continue. 

‘I could have ran then and there and reported her to the police, but she looked so distraught at what they’d done.She was completely remorseful and crestfallen.She even offered me her knife because she thought it was so disgusting that she’d threatened me with it.I’ve never seen somebody look so desperate.But it just…nobody has ever pulled me out of a panic attack before, Patty.No-one.All the teachers at school just told me to shake it off, my parents never saw and I never said because I was so scared they’d do the same, and my friends just thought I was a freak.It was something I’d never experienced before.And…I don’t know.Something about her expression just told me she never meant for her life to be like this.So I bit the bullet, and did a really crazy thing.’

Patty stays still, waiting.

‘I took her to the diner, so I could get her some food and she could explain what was going on with her that had made her feel she had to do this.God, she’d hate me for telling you all this, but I feel like you should know.She’s been homeless for two years, she got fired from a teaching job over in the Upper East side, and she’s been bouncing from job to job, shelter to shelter ever since, all while having to feed her little sister, keep her clothed and just all round happy, and she’d just reached the end of any kind of luck. Her sister’s landlady was kicking her out the next day, so she felt like this was her last chance to keep a roof over her head.And she felt like the most terrible person on the face of the planet.It all worked out pretty well, actually, because Abby told me about the lab assistant job the exact next day.I said I’d help Holtz, and that’s exactly what I did.And I got a wonderful friend and roommate out of it, and that little girl is a ray of goddamn sunshine in what was a pretty average life.My whole life is so different, but if I hadn’t met Holtz I’d still be stuck in that rut of borderline depression.It may not have been the circumstances I wanted, but God, I wouldn’t change it for the world.Not ever.She still can’t come to terms with what she did.I’ve forgiven her, but she still hasn’t forgiven herself.’

A beat passes, and Patty sighs, taking in all this new information.Erin’s never seen her react like this to anything before.

‘I don’t think I could take her leaving, Patty.’

‘I know, baby.I know.’

‘As long as she’s in my life, I feel like it has a good direction, and sometimes it’s going round in these weird, imperfect circles, but… She’s my good direction, how stupid is that?’

‘It’s not stupid.It’s not stupid at all.’

As Erin collapses into sobs, Patty holds her on the sofa, pizza slowly going cold as she lets her friend sob out her sorrows.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

Patty is close to falling asleep when she hears keys delicately turn in the door.

She rises, untucking herself from under Erin’s legs and putting them down on the sofa; the physicist is fast asleep, head propped up on the cushions.

Holtzmann appears on the other side, not noticing the presence of Patty until she locks the door and hears a clearing of the throat behind her. She turns abruptly, to see Patty with a neutral expression, watching her while leaning against the breakfast bar.

‘Patty,’ she whispers, registering in her peripheral that Erin is asleep.She’s about to ask but Patty stops her before she can start.

‘She cried herself to sleep.’

‘Oh, God,’ Holtzmann mutters under her breath, not taking her eyes off her best friend asleep on the couch.

‘Where did you go?’

‘Just out.’

‘I’m sorry, how old are you?’

‘I'm sorry, Pats.I just…it’s not really important.’

‘Huh.’

There’s a beat of silence as Holtz watches Erin’s chest rise and fall rhythmically, and it almost calms her down.

‘She told me everything.’

Holtzmann’s heart stops.

‘Everything?’

‘All of it.’

Patty steps forward, and Holtzmann visibly shrinks into the door, not really realising she’s doing it.  She's terrified of what could happen next, but whatever Patty's going to do, she thinks she deserves it.

The historian notices Holtz’s change in demeanour, and sighs heavily, before sidling over to the other woman.Holtzmann absolutely does not expect what she gets next.

The older woman wraps her arms round the engineer’s small frame, and the smaller woman can’t quite believe she’s not getting a slap round the face.But, after a beat, Holtzmann throws her arms lazily around Patty, sinking into the embrace.

‘That woman cares about you more than I’ve ever seen her care about anybody else,’ Patty says, letting go of Holtzmann after a good 20 seconds. ‘She deserves your effort, Holtzy. Talk to her. You have to remember that to her, you’re enough.’

‘I know.’

‘Take care of her.’

‘I wouldn’t dream of anything else.’

The other woman smiles wryly, knowing what Holtzmann truly means behind those words, but she doesn’t press it; it’s not her place and she knows that. So instead, she picks up her things and makes for the door.

‘Nothing has to be perfect, Holtz.But I think you know that already.’

And with that, Patty closes the door, and does it roughly enough that it jerks Erin out of her dream world; it’s not too indelicate, but she does look around with tired eyes.When they land on Holtz, she already looks as if she’s about to cry.The physicist wants to be mad, she really does; but that stupid fucking face just melts away all of her insecurities at once.She feels safe now she’s here, but she’s terrified that she’s going to leave again.

‘Hey, hey hey hey, it’s okay, I’m sorry I’m…I’m back now.I’m really sorry I left you like that, it was really stupid of me.’

A few tears slip down Erin’s cheeks, and Holtz quickly bolts to the sofa, drying them with her fingers as she sits next to a now upright Erin.

‘It was, yeah.Don’t do that again if you can help it.’

‘I promise, I won’t.I’m sorry.I um…I didn’t just leave because I didn’t wanna talk to you or anything, that wasn’t just it.I just um…I did have something to do.’

‘What was it?’

Holtzmann eyes Erin through the slightly darkened room, streetlight the only thing illuminating them as it pours through the windows.

She reaches into the pocket of her leather jacket, and brings out a rather raggedy looking box, not much bigger than a box would be for a ring.She hands it to Erin, who takes it timidly.

‘For you.’

Erin smiles a little, touched in the moment by this surprise, but wondering why she’d chosen right now to give it to her.It is a little bit of an odd moment.

She opens it, and the little gasp Holtzmann hears is something she knows she wouldn’t mind hearing once or twice a day for the rest of her goddamn life.

‘I tracked him round the city, turns out he has a little hut in the financial district, some alley somewhere, it’s uh…all he can afford, obviously.’

Erin’s eyes leak more tears as she pulls out the necklace, the necklace that has two imperfect circles linked to each other as its pendants. 

‘How did you have the money to get this?You paid rent for the first time this month, I thought you’d be saving for your account.’

‘Don’t worry about money.It’s okay.I just figured it was a really good time to see it again.Remind me that being imperfect is actually okay.Especially when I’m with somebody perfectly imperfect like yourself.It’ll take me some time to fully forgive myself, Erin, but I think I can do it with your help.Because you’ve forgiven me, that’s…I wasn’t willing to accept that before and now that I think about it, about what we talked about that day, it makes sense that I should start trying to forgive myself.We’re both not perfect, Erin, but dammit, you make me better.So, so much better.’

Erin looks at Jillian with an expression that can only be described as pure love.She wishes it was the way she wanted it to be for a moment, and then reminds herself that for now, this is enough.But there’s never things too far out of reach.Hope is round the corner, or at least, she thinks it is.

The physicists gives Holtzmann the necklace, and timidly turns around.Holtzmann puts it on her slowly, and pretends not to feel the sparks in her fingers when they touch Erin’s neck ever-so-slightly.

Once it’s on, Erin throws her arms around Jillian, and they fall back into the sofa.As they get comfortable, Erin’s head on Jillian’s chest and their legs entangled together, they both feel their eyes begin to droop.They both want to say those three words, but they don’t know the other is desperate to say it too.But they both hold off; they know that the three words they want to see mean a whole different thing for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Y'all can breathe again, folks.


	10. And Just Like That, You Are All I Breathe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Abby thinks things through.

Erin wakes up first.

Her head is bobbing, just ever-so-slightly, as Holtzmann’s chest rises and falls with every even breath she takes.  Erin lifts herself up a little bit, just her head and shoulders, and looks at Holtzmann’s face.  She’s out like a light, her face void of any of the emotions of last night’s antics.  She looks so peaceful, and she’s glad that they began to sort things out the previous night. She wasn’t sure how much more she could take of Holtzmann beating herself up for something she’d forgiven weeks ago.

Her attention turns away from Holtz for a moment, as she takes her own hand away from around the engineer’s waist and takes her necklace away from where it sits above her chest, looking at it again.  She can’t quite believe Holtz tracked down the guy just to get it for her.  She smiles at it fondly, turning it over in her hand.

‘Looks pretty on you,’ Holtzmann drawls, a lopsided smile gracing her tired face.  Her eyes are hardly open, but they’re open enough to see Erin admiring her new gift.

‘All the prettier because you went through all that trouble to get it for me.’

Holtz’s smile grows even bigger as she shifts a little, so that she’s sat a little more upright, and Erin moves so she’s on her front, and leans her forearm on Holtz’s stomach and rests her chin on it lightly.  

‘It was nothing, EG.’

‘It was something.  I know how much that necklace cost, that should really have gone in your savings.’

‘I had a little something just for a situation like this.  It was worth every cent.’  She thinks back to that fateful night, standing outside the diner.  

_‘That woman in there?  I ain’t ever seen somebody with a better heart.  So whatever you did for her to deserve being her friend?  Musta been pretty damn good, doll.  Don’t fuck her over, be honest with her, you hear me?  She’s under my protection.  And a few other people I imagine, too.’_

_Holtzmann nods, swiping quickly at the stray tear that escapes and looking Benny straight in the eyes. ‘I promise I won’t.’_

_‘Don’t make promises you can’t keep.’_

_‘I don’t.’_

_‘Good. Here,’ he says, taking Holtzmann’s hand and putting an undisclosed dollar bill in it, and Holtzmann’s eyes go wide with surprise._

_‘Just accept it, and don’t spend it on shit you don’t need.  Save that for something you know you need, you hear me?’_ Holtz smiles at the memory.

‘Just keep looking pretty while you wear it, okay?’

‘I think I can try that.’

They giggle to each other, and at this moment, they know their entire relationship is in a limbo.

Both of them realise that they harbour these feelings for the other.  They don’t know whether the other reciprocates at all, and of course, neither of them are confident enough to ask.  But what they do know right now is that, they have each other’s backs.  They are going to be there for each other for at least a very, very long time, and Jillian smiles in the moment because she realises that, actually, maybe she can forgive herself properly.  If Erin’s looking at her this way and keeps doing these amazing things for her, Jillian can keep doing whatever she can for Erin.  Not just because of the guilt, especially not now, but because she wants to make Erin proud of her.  She wants to make Erin keep looking at her that way for the rest of her life, because goddammit, Jillian is just so…

She can’t bring herself to admit it.  Not just yet.

But she will.

The moment is broken when Britt walks in with her raggedy teddy in her arms, watching the two sprawled out on the comfortable couch.

‘What are you two sleeping on the couch for?  You both have perfectly good beds.’

‘Just lost track of time, PB.  How’d you sleep?’

‘Okay, yeah.  Can I have breakfast soon?’

‘Of course you can, sweetheart,’ Erin says, moving to get up before Jillian tugs down at her elbow.  ‘Okay, maybe you can’t because your sister is using me as a human body warmer.’

‘It’s November, don’t blame me.  Come on, cutie, come be my lil’ space heater next to the body warmer,’ Jillian says to Britt, who giggles a little before joining the two on the coach, and they relax there for half an hour before they decide to get up for breakfast.

Holtzmann expertly makes pancakes at the stove, using stupid eccentric movements and flips to cook them, almost dropping one at one point.  Her sister was bouncing around the kitchen, finding ingredients like sauce and pouring out glasses of orange juice.  Erin needs to get up and make the coffee, but she can’t help but stare at the scene.

It’s so beautiful.

She is so beautiful.

_Can you really hide it from yourself anymore?_

The cogs grind in Erin’s head slowly as Jillian laughs at the antics of her sister, her nose scrunching up and her eyes falling closed, and she’s almost shocked by the blue of them as she opens them again.

She’s what Erin wants.

She’s in love with Jillian Holtzmann.

As the realisation hits her like a train, she grips onto the necklace tightly, not realising that Britt has left the room for a moment and Jillian was now turning her attention to her.

‘EG? You okay?’

Erin’s eyes shoot up to meet Holtz’s, and they knock her for six yet again.  But instead of panicking at such an internal epiphany, like she usually would, she just… doesn’t.  She fully accepts the fact she’s in love with Jillian in that moment, taking in every detail of her face.  Her nose, the dimples she has as a soft, questioning smile graces her face, those goddamn eyes, the light, pink lips.  

She smiles back at Jillian widely, and the grin she gets in response is enough to make her whole day.

‘I’m good.  I’m really, really good.’

‘I hope you can get better because,’ Jillian takes a plate and showily flips a pancake onto it, ‘ah-breakfast, has arrive-ed.’  The silly voice is enough to make Erin giggle like a schoolgirl, and as Britt enters the adults share a look for a moment.  Jillian isn’t entirely sure what it means right now, but Erin knows.

It’s love.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

It’s too quiet.

Too, too quiet.

It may have only been a couple of months since Holtzmann has started working at the lab, but damn, it’s weird without her in here.

But Abby needed this time to think, she really did.  She had to process this properly, because if she didn’t, she would probably have decked Holtzmann then and there.  She knows it’s a little petty to avoid Erin too, but she needs to think about it herself, without Erin there to give her the point of view which really, she knows is probably right, but it still grinds in her brain.

Holtzmann tried to rob her best friend.  She tried to rob her not only of her wallet and phone, but of her dignity and her self-confidence, and Abby knew that it took a lot to bring out the latter in Erin Gilbert.  She remembers how dejected she was the first time she met her in the bar.  It took Abby’s brusque attitude to people’s opinions of oneself, and Patty’s larger-than-life personality to bring her out of Erin’s shell, and Holtzmann could have just ruined that.  She sent Erin into a panic attack, for God’s sake.  

She knows Erin has forgiven Jillian, she understands that perfectly.  She’s had a hell of a lot more time to work through it than Abby has.  But she gave Jillian this job because she was qualified, over-qualified really, and because Erin recommended her.  She wonders how long it had been since the mugging before Erin had recommended her for the job.  

Abby hates to admit it but she really, really has a penchant for holding a grudge.  She once got slushied in middle school and then rigged a bunch of dodgeballs to land on the the girl who did it in the subsequent gym class later that week.  But the truth is, she wanted to do that.  Because that girl had been insatiably mean and cruel, and it was worth the time and effort.  

But she’s not sure this grudge will be.

She can’t exactly ignore it because the situation in which Jillian and Erin met has changed in her mind.  She can’t deny the fact that the way they pine for each other is so off the charts that sometimes she wants to chuck a romance novel at both of their heads so they wake up and smell the love.  She was very close to pushing them last week, but she knew she had to work it out for themselves, but now she wonders if Jillian’s really right for Erin.

Then she thinks about it.

She thinks about the way that Erin always drops off an extra portion of potstickers whenever they get chinese food for lunch.  The way that, whenever Erin looks a little out of sorts when they’re all watching a movie at whoever’s apartment, Jillian will cheer her up with a cuddle, or a stupid face, or a ridiculous pick-up line which she’s claimed to Abby and Patty over and over again is in jest. The way that she looks at her whenever she thinks nobody else is looking.  

The signs are all there.  Jillian is completely besotted with Erin, and Erin is besotted right back.  The way that Erin looks at Jillian is something she’s never seen in the physicist; it’s almost like a hope that everything in the world will be okay again, because Jillian’s stability despite their rocky start just makes her more at ease with her own entire life.

Part of her understands why Jillian was so desperate.  She had to put a roof over Britt’s head, and make sure she was fed.  It wasn’t supposed to be personal, and yet, it’s ended up being the most personal thing that Erin has almost ever experienced.  She’s gained something incredible out of it, and it’s become more incredible soon enough.

Jesus Christ.  Abby needs a drink.

She’s nursing a second straight double of Grant’s scotch when she notices somebody getting onto the barstool next to her.

‘Erin is hella worried about you, man.  What are you playin’ at?’

Patty.

‘How did you -‘

‘Girl, don’t.  I went to your apartment, you weren’t there.  You don’t really go anywhere else but mine, Erin’s or work.  Or here.  So. Don’t try to bullshit me.’

Abby sighs heavily, pushing her scotch away and dropping her head into her folded arms on the bar.

‘You haven’t talked to Erin in five days, man.’

The grunt from the pile of Abby’s head, shoulders and arms doesn’t deter Patty, but only encourages her to continue.  

‘She’s so worried about you.  I mean, I can understand you not talking to Holtzy, but dude, this is the longest you’ve left Erin without talking to her since you met her, goddamn!  This isn’t even her fault!’

‘She’s forgiven her mugger, Patty,’ Abby says, lifting herself up from the bar and bringing the scotch to her mouth again, taking more than can really be constituted as a sip. ‘You gotta admit that’s crazy.’

‘You seen plenty of crazy, Yates.  Hell, Jillian Holtzmann works in your lab, and Erin Gilbert’s been your best friend for two years.  Oh, and you deal with my mood swings.  You seen enough crazy for a lifetime, this is just icing on the crazy cake.’

‘Yeah, yeah.  I know, but…how do you forgive that?  Somebody trying to take your dignity…as well as your crap… it’s just wrong to me.’

Patty sighs, and shifts in her seat as the drink she’s apparently ordered is put down in front of her, a Bourbon on the rocks.  

‘Abby…this situation…this isn’t any old New York bag steal.  Holtz was really, really desperate.  She was about to lose the home she’d been paying for Britt to stay in while she bounced through homeless shelters and streets.  She hadn’t eaten in days when Erin met her.  And she hated herself for what she did, you could obviously see, she still does.  She’s doing her best to work through it but she’s had a tough couple of years.  She got Erin out of that panic attack she put her in, like you know that she hasn’t had that sort of problem around us so we’ve never had to deal with it.  She helped her calm down just after she’d tried pretty half-heartedly to take her phone, she didn’t even wanna do it.  She was wracked with guilt and still is,’ Patty explains, looking Abby straight in the eye, the scientist knowing she can’t avoid her gaze anymore.  

‘I know this is difficult to get around, Abby, but if the woman who went through it can get around it and forgive Holtz, then you should be able to as well.  I know you wanna protect Erin, but she can protect herself, and as crazy as it sounds?  I think Holtzy would risk anything but her little sister to protect Erin too.  I hate to break it to you, but this isn’t really about you.  I get you have feelings about it, and expressing them and telling them about it is fine, but this?  This is a little too much, Abs.  Erin needs her best friend.  Not a brooding scotch-drinker at a dive bar.’

Abby looks ahead of her, thinking everything over, just for a moment.  

‘Yeah alright,’ Abby lets out under her breath, swigging the last of her scotch and getting up from her barstool.  She looks at Patty, who gives her a wry smile.  

‘You alright, Yates.  Just remember they’re your friends, whatever happens.  What’s in the past is in the past.’

Abby nods once, and puts her hand on Patty’s shoulder before leaving the bar, walking out into the now snowing cityscape.

She fires off a text to Erin.

_**Abby: I’m sorry for not talking to you.  Coffee on Tuesday?** _

Up the road in the Upper West Side, Erin picks up her phone and lets a breath out in relief.

_**Erin: Of course.  Is…Holtz still welcome at work on Monday?** _

_**Abby: Yeah.  Tell her we’re gonna be having a talk though.  x** _

_**Erin: Will do. x** _

She puts her phone on the breakfast bar, glancing at the Holtzmann sisters who are cuddled up on the couch.  Her closed mouth grin is enough to light up a thousand suns.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

They’d dropped Britt off at school, and Holtzmann and Erin were getting the Subway to their respective work destinations, Erin’s a little further down the line than Holtz’s.   As they sit on the near packed subway car, Holtzmann is wringing her hands worriedly, unable to keep her body completely still as she waits to go to work and see Abby for the first time in a week.

‘Hey,’ Erin whispers, aware of the deafening silence in the car, only sliced through by rickety tracks below.

Holtzmann’s head snaps up, looking at Erin with wide, terrified eyes.

‘You’ll be okay.  She wants to talk, not rip your head off.’

‘That’s what I’m afraid of.’

Erin sighs a little, turning in her seat to face Holtzmann whilst trying simultaneously to avoid knocking her bag against the old man in the seat next to her.

‘Do you remember when you first got the PKE meter into some sort of amalgam of parts, like the prototype before the prototype?’

‘Yeah, what about it?’

Erin smiles wryly as she replies: ‘Do you remember how Abby jumped for joy and almost crushed you in a hug?  She loves you, Holtzmann, and although she’s found this out she will come around eventually.  She’s already showing good signs by wanting to talk to you.  This can only be good, okay?  I know Abby, and she takes her time, but she’ll come around.’

When Erin grabs her hand to stop it fidgeting, Holtz swears she feels like her heart’s been calmed and set on fire all at once, and it’s almost exhilarating.

Once it gets to her stop, the train is a little less packed, so she doesn’t have to move all too much to get off.  As she stands, she looks at Erin while holding the pole in the middle of the carriage.  She’s still within touching distance, so she goes to put a hand on Erin’s shoulder, and as the woman smiles back, she lets it drift onto her neck, just at the nape.  She realises what’s she’s doing, and pulls away abruptly, giving Erin one last smile before stepping onto the platform.  

With another look around, she sees a blush creeping up Erin’s neck.  

So she bites the bullet, and she winks.  

On that note, she begins to ascend the staircase to the city street. Time to face the music.

 

~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

The lab is seemingly empty when she arrives, but when she sees Abby’s bag at the desk, she quickly becomes aware that she’s not alone.

She can’t see the scientist for looking, so she quietly dumps her own bag by her chair and goes over to the other side of the lab, where her proton pack prototype still sits, ready to be worked on.  Rubbing her hands together, she picks up the small toolbox where a wide array of different screwdrivers and such are held, and pulls out a blowtorch from the bottom shelf of the desk, setting it up to be used a little later.  She dives back into the swing of things, getting to work on the pack, which right now is big and bulky, far from the beauty Holtzmann envisions it to be.  As she keeps working on this stuff, she gets more and more lost in the idea that one day they’ll see a ghost.  She has never seen one, and doesn’t really believe in them, but she’s always open to the idea of new discovery, and enough people have seen one who are arguably not that crazy that it could be viable.

It’s an hour before she neglects to notice footsteps behind her.

‘Holtzmann,’ Abby says firmly, rousing her from her wired state as she screws in another pipe on the proton pack.

The engineer freezes in her work, her eyes looking up directly in front of her.  Abby isn’t there, so she assumes she’s at the side of her, but she’s almost too scared to look her way.

After a beat, she knows she can’t really avoid it as she sees Abby leaning round to try and get her attention.  She slowly turns her head, and looks at Abby’s stoic face.

‘Abby…’

It’s like she wants to explain herself, but she knows most of it has probably been explained.  The words she hadn’t formed yet die in her throat as she sees Abby glance away, shifting from one foot to another before looking back at Holtzmann.

‘You’re not out on your ass, not this time.  But if you ever pull something against my best friend like that again, you know that Patty and I will have your head.  Dammit, Holtz, you’re the best engineer I’ve ever met, but this…this threw me.’

‘I understand.  I’m…Abby, I don’t think you understand how sorry I am.  There are so many days that I wish I hadn’t done it, that I’d just left her alone, but she’s changed my entire life.  I’m not saying I don’t regret what I did, because you know I do every day.  For all I know, I could have set her back years when I gave her that panic attack, but thankfully I didn’t.  I…she’s my best friend in the world.  I don’t know, all I’m saying is I’m so glad I met her, even if the circumstances were probably some of the worst that can ever happen.  I’m trying my best to forgive myself, because it’s what’s and it’s what Erin wants, and it’s so hard.  But it’s what I need to do.  We need to move on.  I’m sorry we didn’t tell you…I didn’t feel like it was my place to tell you.  This was Erin’s thing to tell, and she wanted to wait, I mean…we never really talked about it, but I think it was an unspoken thing that she’d tell you when she felt it was right.  So I’m sorry, that this is how you had to find out, and I’m sorry I did it.  I really am,’ Holtzmann says, looking straight into Abby’s eyes.  There are tears blossoming in them, and it makes Holtz’s breath hitch in her throat, but she doesn’t want to stop.  Abby needs to know.  If she admits it to her…maybe it’ll become real.  

 

‘But I will never, ever be sorry for meeting Erin, in the general sense.  She’s the second best thing that’s ever happened to me.  Britt’s first, obviously but…yeah.  You all were.  I hope I don’t lose you guys over this, but I’d understand if I did.  There are times where I wish I could just…fall off the face of the earth, because it’d be better for everyone.  But I have to keep going for Britt, and now for Erin.’

Abby can hardly talk.  She’s gobsmacked by Jillian’s admission, and she feels like she knows what’s coming next.  She’d thought about it enough. She can see it in her eyes.  The glassy, loved up look. There’s no turning back now, Holtzmann thinks.  

‘I… love Erin.  And more than I think she’ll love me, and I know it’s fucked up and weird and all sorts of wrong for even thinking about her that way because of what happened, but…I can’t get her out of my head -‘

‘It’s not.’

Holtzmann looks up at Abby properly, waiting for an explanation.  She’s confused, almost hurt that she’s been interrupted, but she lets Abby talk.

‘It isn’t wrong, Holtz,’ Abby says quietly, almost resigned.  

‘What do you mean? Of course it is.’

‘You’re right.  You need to forgive yourself, because I think once you do that, there’s gonna be a whole lot more for you to explore when it comes to the feelings you have for Erin.  I think…I think instead of looking at what you’re feeling and rejecting doing anything about it… you might wanna look at what Erin’s feeling too.’

‘I’m too afraid to ask.’

‘Then maybe you should take a leap of faith.’

Holtzmann’s eyes glance away from Abby’s for a moment, before she looks back with a crinkled forehead and a meaningful gaze.  They smile at each other; it’s not sad, but it’s more pensive.

Abby picks up a magazine and rolls it up, and Holtzmann’s brows furrow a little.  Next thing she knows, she’s being hit on the head with it.

‘Ow!’

Abby’s eyebrows just raise.

‘Okay, I deserved that.’  At that admission, Jillian rubs her head and Abby laughs a little, then her face gets serious again.

‘If you hurt her…you’re a dead woman, Jillian Holtzmann.’  She gets up, to look at her phone on the table.

‘Yes, Ma’am.’

‘I’m serious!’

‘So am I.’  Abby sees the look on her face as she turns around, and it’s deadly serious. She understands perfectly.  

Abby takes one last glance at Holtzmann, before turning her full attention at her phone.  

‘Goddammit.’

‘What?’

‘We have our monthly review today, you’re gonna need to get the stuff out that they’re not gonna ridicule and fire us for. God, I wish they’d give us more notice for this crap.’

When they’d drawn up their work agreement, they’d made a pact that they would divide their research between the paranormal and actualising particle physics, which was Abby’s specialty that she was really supposed to be.  Holtzmann had agreed easily, as she had her own interest in the subject at the time.

‘Okay, I’ll get it ready.  What time are they due?’

‘Half an hour.’

‘Let’s get this stuff packed up then,’ Holtzmann says while running around the lab, trying to hide all of her ghostly prototypes.  They fall right back into step with each other, and although it’s almost like they’re back to the way they were, there’s the unspoken understanding between them of what has just transpired.  

Half an hour later, they’re standing by the door as they let in the science professor, along with two pairs of other scientists, Abby assumes.

‘Dr. Yates, Dr. Holtzmann,’ the professor addresses them cordially, and they both simply nod their heads in greeting.

‘I’d like to introduce some people who will be taking the review today as well, if I may,’ he continues, turning his head towards the two pairs.  ‘This is Dr. Friedman and Dr. Roker from Columbia’s engineering and applied science department, and from NYU we have Dr. Sketzer and Dr. Bryant.’  Dr Sketzer, the only man of the four, seems to shrink back in on himself as he’s introduced.  Holtzmann just ignores it.

‘Dr Holtzmann, your reputation does precede you, I hope you realise,’ Dr. Bryant says, a woman in her 30s with a bright smile.  ‘Your work in the open military science field is renowned over at NYU.’

Holtzmann’s eyes almost bug out at the mention of what she did in the military, and Abby’s eyebrow just raises, but she makes the decision to keep her words to herself at this moment.

‘Alright, shall we start with the review?’ Dr. Roker cuts in, her sharp tone obviously signalling she’s ready to get this overwith.

Abby leads the way, over to the other side of the lab where they begin to explain their work, and the look the engineer shares with Abby is quizzical.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~

 

Two hours after the review is over and the other scientist have left, Holtzmann is mindlessly tinkering with some enhancements to the PKE meter.

‘Whatcha thinking about there, firecracker?’

She snaps up her head to see Abby writing out some equations, looking up from her book to study Holtzmann.

‘I uh…that thing, they said about the military.’

‘Yeah?’

‘I…all the work she was talking about was cover up.  The stuff I actually did…I’m not proud of it.  At all.  I’m not proud of any of it, to be honest.  It’s just bugging me that they knew about it and that’s what they judge me on.’

‘Well maybe that’ll change.  I feel like you really knocked them off their feet today, they weren’t impressed with me,’ Abby says with a wisp of a smile.

‘Yes they were, everybody’s impressed with you.  Don’t be an idiot,’ Holtzmann replies almost too enthusiastically.  Abby chuckles a little.  ‘Look, I feel like whatever happens, it’s gonna be good news for the both of us.’

At that moment, Holtzmann’s phone pings.

She takes a moment to look at it, and her eyes bug out of her skull.

‘What is it?’

The engineer, still shocked by the contents, wordlessly rises and hands the phone to Abby, putting one hand on the desk and the other on the back of Abby’s chair, anchoring herself.  

Abby reads it out loud, while Holtzmann tries to regulate her breathing.

 

**_Dear Dr. Holtzmann,_ **

 

**_It was a pleasure meeting you today, and we want to re-iterate how impressed we were with your work._ **

 

**_With that in mind, we would like to offer you an interview for a Research Professorship here at the Columbia Department of Engineering and Applied Sciences.  If you would like to accept the interview, we would ask that you provide us with three different recommendations from figures in the field of physics or engineering.  Ivy League university figures would be preferable._ **

 

**_Again, congratulations on your work at Kenneth P.Higgins Institute, however, we sincerely believe that your attributes would be well-suited to academic life here at Columbia._ **

 

**_Best Regards_ **

**_Dr. Jane Roker and Dr. Gloria Friedman_ **

**_Department of Engineering and Applied Sciences_ **

**_Columbia University in the City of New York_ **

**_116th St & Broadway, New York, NY 10027_ **

**_United States_ **

 

She doesn’t read out the address, but she looks up at Holtzmann, who can’t really believe what she’s hearing.

‘So that’s why they came to see the review.’

‘Is this happening?’

‘Yeah, it’s happening.’

Holtzmann can only think of Erin, who’s presumably sitting at her desk in Columbia, none the wiser.  

A million scenarios race through her mind.  

She lands on just one, of her and Erin sneaking around at work, stealing kisses in the corridors.  But she knows that Professors can’t date. It’s just not something that’s looked upon well, it could go so wrong for both of them.

She has a hell of a lot to think about.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorryyyyyyyyyy :)


	11. I Don't Know What's Round The Corner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deliberation.

It’s been two days since Holtz received the email from Columbia. And God, has she been thinking about it.

She went home a little early that day to get Britt from school, and upon arriving home she found she couldn’t bring herself to tell Erin.She knew Abby wouldn’t say anything, because she’s just that good a person that she’ll wait until Holtz is ready for Erin to hear it, but God, this is killing Jillian.

There are two sides to this.One, Holtzmann rejects Columbia and the monster salary, effectively ending a chance at Britt getting a college fund any time soon, but gets to try her hand at wooing Erin and maybe even getting into a relationship with her.She has no idea how Erin feels.This could be tré risky. Boy, does it bum her out that NYU haven’t called her; not like she was expecting it, but it would make her life so much fucking easier.

Second, she takes the Columbia job, and effectively halts any chance of starting something with Erin.Ugh.

Holtzmann chucks the ball at the wall repeatedly, not really focusing on anything in particular.Abby watches her, her head cocked to the side.Holtz can be a curious being sometimes, and right now, she hasn’t really been the same since she got that letter.

‘What has got you so down in the dumps, Holtzmann?I mean, you just got a invitation for an interview at Columbia, this is huge for you.’

‘I know.’

‘Then what’s the goddamn problem?’

‘I…it’s stupid.’

‘It isn’t, because it’s making you miserable and we’re not getting anywhere with the proton pack prototype because of it.Also it’s weird seeing you without the…you know…’

‘The maniacal smile?’

‘Yeah, that is, that is accurate yes.’

Holtz lets the side of her mouth twitch up into a lazy smirk, and she swivels round in her chair, rolling it over to Abby’s desk and settling her upper torso heavily on it.She puts her head in her folded arms for a moment, making some sort of sound like a groan; Abby’s not really sure what it is.She just goes with it.

‘I want to take that leap of faith, Abs.I just don’t know if I can.Like, we’ll be working at the same university, we’ll be around each other all the time, what if that ruins things?Is it even allowed? Like, I don’t even know.’

‘It is, actually.There’s no rule against it, and you’re kind of in different departments anyway.It isn’t a huge problem, I’ve seen it happen before.’

‘Really? So if ever…something happened…’

‘Yeah.’

‘Um…okay, well that’s awesome. I mean, I’ve been to Columbia a hella load of times, and although it’s not my favourite engineering department, Britt’s gonna have a college fund in no time.It’s a no-brainer.Now I just need to get these letters of recommendation through.Abby, wonder of my life, colleague and friend, would please write me a recommendation?’ Holtz asks theatrically, bowing before Abby to really create the effect of stupidity.

Abby pushes Holtz away and swivels out of her chair, walking over to the desktop computer on the other side of the lab.‘Yes, dummy, I’ll write you one.Who else you got?’ she asks, looking at the monitor as she searches on Google.

‘Well I’m sure if I email Dr. Gorin she’d be more than happy,’ Holtz says.‘I haven’t seen her in a good while, but she’d do it.’

‘You got one more.’

‘Well, Erin would, right?I literally don’t know anyone else.’

‘Yeah, that’s what I was looking up.’

‘What do you mean?’

She ushers Holtzmann over to the directions on the computer screen, and points at the page she’s on.It’s a terms and conditions page written by Columbia’s admin department; specifically the rules on applications for Professorship.

‘While it is not against school policy to have romantic relations or other with a fellow…’ she carries on, reading the boring drivel part, and slows down when she arrives at the crucial point.It really takes a giant crap on Jillian’s heart when she says it out loud - ‘the applicant must not receive recommendation from anybody within the institution whom they may already have relations with, and this may pose ethical concerns regarding their recommendation of the applicant.’

‘I mean we’re just friends and colleagues, and that’s fine, but if you’re in a relationship with Erin when she writes the recommendation, or if you get into one…’

‘They’ll see it as a breach of ethical rules.’

Jillian leans back from the computer screen, not taking her eyes off it and breathing in heavily.

‘Wow.Okay, so this is as bad as we thought.’

‘Yeah.’

Holtzmann, having glanced at the clock earlier on, knows it’s almost clock-out time anyway.

‘Where are you going?’

‘I have to tell Erin.’

‘Wait, hang on, you’re seriously going to share your concerns about this with her?’

‘No.I’m going to ask her to write the recommendation.’

Abby looks at Jillian as she hastily picks up her leather jacket, shrugging it on over her paint-stained overalls and the off white cropped t-shirt underneath them.She grabs her glasses off of the table, and puts them on her face expertly, hooking them around her ears before adjusting them quickly on her eyes.

‘What?’

‘I’m going to conduct an experiment.I’m going to ask her,’ she explains, picking up her bag as she shoves her fingerless gloves on, knowing they won’t do much for the cold but can’t help herself anyway, ‘if she can write me a recommendation.She’ll know the rules.She reads every rule book known to man that she knows she needs to.If she wants to write me that recommendation? Then I’ll know.’

‘You’ll know what? Holtzmann, slow down a second.Don’t you think this would be putting her on the spot a little bit?’

‘I have to know Abby.’ She walks over to her friend, and Abby can see tears shining her eyes. ‘This is really um…it’s really starting to kill me.’

Abby face falls even further, and she can’t bring herself to say anything else.Holtz gives her one last glance and an awkward salute before retreating out of the lab.

 _This is a huge fucking mess_ , Abby thinks.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

She puts her key in the lock, and opens the door to Erin reading a journal on the breakfast bar.

Her back is a little hunched as she concentrates, her eyebrows furrowed as she reads through the paragraphs, and she’s screwing her mouth to the side a little, obviously thinking through everything she’s reading.

Jillian wants to just go over, take Erin’s face gently in her hands, and kiss her so softly that she melts into Jillian’s arms and never lets go.It would be so, so easy.But so many things could go wrong that she just can’t.

In that split second, Erin looks up, and her concentration dissipates and turns into a radiant smile.

‘Hey!’

Jillian grins, sidling over to the other side of the breakfast bar and replying with a quiet ‘hi.’

They take a moment to drink each other in, just giving each other soft smiles, before Jillian breathes in, looking down at the breakfast bar to psych herself up.

‘Okay so, I need to um…I need to tell you something.’

‘Shoot.’

Jillian makes eye contact with Erin in that moment, and she knows that these next few moments will define a lot of things.It terrifies her.

‘We had our monthly review a couple days ago.All routine stuff, except a few people were there that normally weren’t.They were professors from a couple of universities, engineering departments and what not.And later that day…I um, I got an invitation for a research professorship interview,’ Jillian says, gauging the first bits of Erin’s reaction.‘From the engineering department at Columbia.’

Erin just sits there, her mouth wide open. 

‘You’ll catch flies, EG.’

‘Oh my God!This is incredible, Holtz!Oh my Goodness, I’m so happy for you, this is so exciting!’She gets up off her stool, meandering around the corner of the breakfast bar to scoop Holtz into a tight hug.Jillian holds on tight, savouring every second in Erin’s arms.

‘I just… there’s one thing that would be great from you.I need a recommendation letter from three people, and I only know three other scientists well enough to actually ask…’

‘You want me to…you want me to write a recommendation letter?’

‘Look you don’t have to if you don’t…if you’re okay with writing it then it would be great, if not I get it but yeah I kind of…yeah.’

Erin pulls away a little from the hug, obviously bristling at the request.She goes over to the coffee machine, pulling two pods out of the cupboard and slotting one into the machine, all while avoiding Holtzmann’s eyes.

‘I’m um, yeah I’m pretty busy at work right now and everything, but I’ll do it, definitely yeah.I’ll get it to you by the end of Friday, how’s that?’

‘Um…yeah, that’s great.Thank you, Er.’

‘You’re welcome Jill.’

Her breath hitches at the nickname, but her heart sinks at the reply.

She’ll write the recommendation.

Jillian doesn’t think she’s ever been so heartbreakingly disappointed in her life.

In two days, she’s going to lose any chance of being with Erin. 

But it’s for Britt, so she’ll take it.She’ll take anything for that little girl.Even if it means losing her shot with Erin.Nothing matters more, and she thinks most people would understand.

Just at that moment, there’s a knock at the door, and Erin hastily moves to open it.It reveals Patty, accompanied by a very sleepy Britt.

‘Hey y’all, good day?’

The other two mumble their affirmatives, despite both of them feeling the opposite in this moment.

‘Wanna nap before dinner sweetheart?’ Erin says, letting Britt all but fall into her arms.

‘Yes please,’ she says quietly, and Erin lifts her up into her arms easily, her muscles flexing through her flannel shirt as she does so.Holtzmann looks at Patty before she can get too distracted by such a view.

As Britt and Erin disappear, Patty sees Holtz’s uneasiness.

‘What’s going on Holtzy?’

‘Nothing.’

‘Holtzmann.’

‘It’s a long story, just…it’s nothing to worry about.’

‘Congrats on the interview by the way! You should be jumping for joy.’

Holtzmann smiles softly, and walks over to Patty, giving her a short hug and squeezing her upper arm as she lets go.

‘Thanks, Pattycakes.’

‘Uh huh.Wanna tell me what’s going on now?’

They share a short look, Holtzmann looking mildly terrified while Patty’s eyebrow is just raised, but they separate as Erin comes into the kitchen, Holtzmann finishing off their coffees and then putting in another for Patty.

Later on, once Patty’s left, and Erin and Holtzmann are sitting on the sofa watching TV, almost at opposite sides of the couch. 

Things have been weird since Holtzmann brought up the recommendation, and now she regrets so, so much.Although it was a little bit of an experiment, one that has tanked spectacularly, she still wishes she’d tried harder to go up to one of the scientists at Higgins.Most of them hated her though; they were being sidelined by Holtzmann’s work, purely because it was revolutionary, and so they would never give her even a sentence of recommendation, especially upon finding out what institution it was for.

Don’t get her wrong.Jillian knows Columbia is prestigious, well-known and three of her four favourite people work there.It’s like a dream come true, but at the same time…it’s just not.She’s always found most professors she’s met from Columbia to be a little stuck up, her three friends being a few exceptions, and the campus kind of terrifies her. It’s too old school for her; she likes modern buildings, maybe with some older architecture thrown in, otherwise it weird her out, even makes her feel old herself.Not to mention the Dean is an absolute prick.Harold Filmore, his name is; Erin’s had a few problems with him, especially being on the tenure track; it’s not that they’ve had problems with each other, it’s just that, put simply, he’s an ass to her.And to all the female employees.From what Jillian’s heard, she really, really wouldn’t mind giving him a smack in the nose.

But this would mean everything for both her and Britt.She’d finally be able to live comfortably without leaning on Erin, who although is the most wonderful adult human being in all of time and space, can’t keep subbing her rent money forever.She’d be able to buy Britt nice things for Christmas, she’d be able to get herself that scarf she keeps going past in the window of Bloomingdales.It was crazy colours, and long enough to wrap around the neck twice, and just so her; but of course, she had better things to be buying right now.She’d be able to start Britt on a college fund, slowly, and maybe Britt wouldn’t feel like such an outsider at school anymore because she’s not wondering when her next meal might be.

There would be such a weight lifted off her shoulders.And for everybody, she has to do it.It means they’ll be happier; even if she can’t have Erin the way she so desperately wants, she’ll still be there as a friend.Maybe, one day, she’ll learn to be able to cope with that.

She’s pulled out of her thoughts by Erin, who’s obviously moved up the couch and promptly fallen asleep on her shoulder. 

 _Two glasses of wine’ll do that to ya_ , Holtz thinks fondly.Her peaceful face is smoothed a little against Holtz’s side, and God, it’s so adorable that it takes a hell of a lot for Jillian’s heart not to burst.

‘Alright, EG.Let’s get you to bed.’

There’s no response from the physicist, so Jillian carefully extracts herself and lifts Erin into her arms, almost easily.The woman doesn’t weigh much, despite her obvious muscles, and Jillian is as strong because she’s able to put Erin on her bed without even breaking a sweat.

She takes the blanket and pulls it over her, deciding she looks too tired for Jillian to wake her up so she can change.She brushes the hair from her face, and sighs to herself.She really, really wishes things were different.

She presses a soft, lingering kiss on Erin’s forehead, and takes one last look at the sleeping beauty.Her necklace glints in the moonlight streaming through the window, and she has to stop herself from beginning to cry right then and there. She goes to the kitchen, grabbing the bottle of wine that’s only a quarter empty,and heads for the roof.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

At just past midnight, Holtzmann looks out upon the city; it’s too painful for her to look the other way, the way that Erin was looking when they first met.She sees buildings upon buildings in front of her, the concrete jungle of opportunity she grew up in more built than ever before.She misses those days when her father used to take her out for ice cream in Central Park; they’d wonder round that end of the city and identify all the buildings, Holtzmann already taking an interest in the way the architecture work and the engineering of the things inside at the tender age of 8. She hates how her mind drifts to the time she, Britt and Erin did the same, and how she still shivers at the memory of Erin linking her arm with hers.

She takes another gulp from the bottle of wine, her legs swinging on the ledge of the building as she does so. 

‘Now now, missy.We don’t really allow people up here if they gonna do that.’

She turns around to see Ernie, the doorman, standing with his torso leant into the doorframe.

‘Don’t worry officer, I’m not gonna jump.’

‘Good, glad to hear it.’

‘Shouldn’t you be downstairs?’ Holtzmann asks, not really aware due to her drunken state that her question might be taken as a little rude.

In response, he holds up a sandwich and a can of coke with a smile.‘Lunch break.’

Holtzmann chuckles a little, turning back to the city and looking down at the ground far below.

‘Mind if I join you, sport?’

‘Go ahead,’ Jillian affirms, ‘plenty of room.’

The doorman laughs to himself, taking a pew a little away from Holtzmann, setting out his food on the wide ledge Holtzmann’s shins can only just hang over.He begins to eat and starts to talk after his first bite.

‘What’s on your mind, Miss Holtzmann?’

‘Just Holtz is fine, Ernie.Ha, well… a lot, to be honest.’

‘Wanna talk about it with a neutral third party?’

‘You’re hardly neutral, man.’

‘Ah, so this involves Miss Erin.’

’It sure does.’

‘Ah, I see.’

‘Still wanna talk about it?’ Holtzmann says with a slightly bitter disdain in her voice, and she lifts the bottle up to her lips again to take a lazier gulp.

’Nothing I can’t handle, Holtz.I been through two wars and 20 years behind the desk of a NYC apartment building.Hit me.’

Holtzmann smirks a little before deciding to explain a little further.

‘I…I have a decision to make. I was asked to become a professor at Columbia in the engineering department, pending three letters of recommendation.I only know three scientists who could write them, Erin included.If I say yes to these people, then it means it could change mine and Britt’s life forever.You know Britt, my little -‘

‘That bundle of sweetness? Of course.’

‘Yeah, well, it could make our lives so much better.It wouldn’t entirely fulfil my scientific curiosities, so to speak, they’ve changed a little since I met Abby.But…if I don’t do this? It could jeopardise something I don’t know if I’m willing to jeopardise.It would still be okay, like things would stay the way they are, but…they won’t ever be able to change into the way I want them to.I know it’s so, so selfish that I want this, but I can’t stop thinking about…’

‘Erin.’

She looks at Ernie, her face sans glasses making the tears that start spilling from her eyes all the more easy to see.

‘Yeah,’ she chokes out.She brings the wine bottle to her lips again, only for Ernie to take it out of her hand gently and deposit it on the ground behind him.

‘Come on man, that’s not fair.’

‘You’ll thank me in the morning, trust me; a couple of night spent with Mr Jack Daniels has taught me that. Now,’ he says, shifting round a little more to face Holtzmann, who simply looks up at him with her tear stained face, ‘I have seen the way that Miss Erin looks at you.It is ridiculous, proper white-ass romantic movie stuff.And I don’t really know how you haven’t noticed that.But what I will say is, maybe y’all need to just talk about it.Put it all out in the open.’

‘But then I could lose her forever.’

‘Maybe.But I sincerely doubt that, because I don’t think I’ve ever seen her look so happy when she walks through the main door, knowing that you’re gonna be up there. And I will tell you right now she has fallen in love with that little girl.It’s like she’s gained another big sister if you ask me.’

‘Britt loves her too,’ Jillian comments, remembering fond moments between the two.‘I just don’t want to sacrifice Britt’s future over what could be with Erin.It’s too much of a risk.’

‘Well that shows your heart is in the right place, Missy.Nothing more to it.But think it over, for a few days anyway.These types of decision have their own way of working themselves out, in the end.’

‘I’m not sure about this one, Ernie, but I damn hope so.’

Ernie smiles, and it’s almost sad, but there’s a glimmer in the back of his eye which gives Holtzmann a morsel of hope.

‘Well, that’s my time; five minutes is all I get these days, time waits for no doorman,’ Ernie says, getting up and passing Holtzmann her bottle of wine back, which is now a quarter empty.

‘Think on it, Miss Holtzmann.You’ll feel better for it in the morning.’

With that, Ernie disappears into the building, going toward the elevator.

When she’s sure he’s gone, Holtzmann lets the dam break.Her tears flood out, and she sobs properly for the first time in weeks.She hasn’t cried like this for a long time, not really.It’s almost cleansing, giving herself time to grieve for something she knows she’ll probably never have. 

Once her sobs begin to subside, she looks at her wine bottle, ready to take another swig.Instead, she decides against it; she looks down into the alley that’s below, checking it’s empty, and hold the bottle out beyond the ledge.She lets go, and with it, she tries to help herself begin a horrible process of moving on.

It’s not going to work.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

When Holtz wakes up the next morning, she gets a faint whiff of coffee and pancake batter.It’s not strong at all, so she wonders if she’s missed out on breakfast altogether.She looks at the clock; it’s only 8:51.It’s Thursday, and due to it being the International Day Of Tolerance, the University has decided to celebrate by giving students the morning off - so Erin would be sleeping in.Part of her hates how she just knows Erin’s quirks off by heart these days.It makes her so sad knowing what she’s giving up.

The engineer drags herself out of bed, quietly so as not to wake her kid sister, who’s still dead to the world.Walking out into the kitchen, she expects the physicist to be sitting at the breakfast bar, reading the latest edition of the Economist or something, but she most certainly isn’t.Instead, she’s nowhere to be found.On the island, there’s a note; it’s written in Erin’s immaculate penmanship, the cursive floating on the paper.

 

**_Hey,_ **

**_Sorry about yesterday, being a little weird about the recommendation.I’m so excited for you, Holtz.This is amazing, really.I’m at the office to get started on it right away.It’ll be ready tomorrow.Also, I left you guys pancakes, just throw them in the microwave, and the pod’s in the coffee machine for your grumpy ass._ **

**_See you both this evening._ **

**_EG x_ **

 

Despite everything, she still can’t help but smile at Erin’s note.It’s so thoughtful, and kind, and everything Holtz wants in somebody.She taps it a couple of times against her lips, contemplating the thought of Erin writing away any chance of their future together.It tears her heart in two.

She starts the coffee maker slowly, lazily, trying to pass the time just that little bit more before she has to move to get herself into work, Abby telling her she’d be a couple hours late for the next day yesterday evening.She takes in the aroma of coffee and puts a plate of pancakes in the microwave for Britt, shuffling back to her room to wake her up.

‘Hey, PB,’ she whispers, sitting on the edge of the bed and brushing the hair away from her sister’s face, watching her eyes open a crack before squinting at the light coming into their room from the door. ‘Time to get up.’

’School doesn’t start until 12.’

‘I know, but I gotta be in work soon.Do you wanna come to work with me?’

‘Yeah, sure,’ Britt says with a smile.It fades a little, and Holtzmann’s soft smile drops a little bit.

‘You okay, JJ?’

‘…Yeah, sweetheart, I’m fine.I have pancakes in the microwave, EG made ‘em.’

‘That’s awesome, but are you sure you’re okay?You look…sad.’

‘I’m smiling.’

‘Not with your eyes you’re not.’

‘You’re too smart for your age, anybody ever tell you that?’

‘Nah, I’m just your sister.’

Holtzmann’s grin grows a little.Her sister’s right; her smile doesn’t reach her eyes.

‘I’ll tell you later, nugget. now go and wash up.Your pancakes will be done in a minute.’

She moves to let Britt get out of bed, but before she can rise, Britt has wrapped her arms around her neck and buried her face there.Holtzmann takes a moment, but then clings onto her as hard as she can without hurting her, relishing in the comfort only her little sister can provide.She almost gets choked up when she ushers her to the bathroom again, taking her off the bed by the arms and setting her on the floor.

There’s a stray tear that she wipes off as she goes to get Britt’s breakfast out of the microwave.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Hey.’

‘What?’

‘You’ve been zoned out for,’ Abby remarks, checking her watch, ‘three minutes now.’

‘Sorry,’ Erin says, leaning forward and shifting in her chair, moving to pick up her coffee. ‘I’m just distracted.’

‘What’s going on?’

The clock in the coffee shop reads 10:12.She wonders if Holtzmann has read her note yet, whether Britt is up and whether Holtz is thinking about her.

_Shut up, Erin, God._

‘Oh, a lot of things,’ Erin starts, ‘well, a few things.No - One. Thing.’

‘Does it begin with an H and end in and N?’

Erin looks Abby dead in the eye, who although had a quipped tone to her voice, isn’t looking in the mood for jokes.

‘Yeah,’ Erin all but whispers, taking a sip of her coffee to hide behind the top of the mug.

‘Talk to me, Er,’ Abby says, leaning forward and putting her elbows on her thighs, clasping her hands together in front of her.‘I haven’t seen you this bummed out since Phil.And he was actually an asshole.Holtz is the exact opposite, actually.’

‘That she is.That’s the problem.’

‘What’s happening?’

‘Holtzmann…you know, the interview, thing,’ Erin begins, crossing her legs to try and steady herself, ‘she asked me, like I presume she asked you to write a recommendation.’

‘And if you write the recommendation and she gets accepted…’

‘We can’t start any sort of romantic relations while she’s a part of the school body, or it’ll look like…’

‘You had an ulterior motive to get her into the professorship.’

‘Yeah.’

‘Right, so I see your problem, but…she asked you to do it, right?’

‘Yeah, she did.And now I feel so horribly guilty because I’m sitting here right now thinking of the amazing things that could happen if I didn’t write that recommendation.It’s horrible.I’m a terrible person.’

‘Do not even say that to me right now.Holtz thinks the sun shines out of your ass and you’re only human, Erin.You know Holtz would have asked somebody else if she could have done.She just doesn’t have enough friends in the science community.’

Erin takes a breath, before replying to her friend whose concern is growing by the minute. ‘I know, it’s just going to take a while for me process this.It’s…it really fucking hurts, Abby.’Her voice isn’t more than an utterance, and Abby clocks it.

‘You can get through this, Er,’ Abby says, her voice thick with tears.‘I know you can.’

‘I’m going to do this for her.She deserves this opportunity, more than anyone.It’s her big break.And God, what it could do for Britt…that girl’s life is going to change for the better.So, so much better.I have to think about that.Because if I don’t? I’m…I’m never going to get over this.’

‘I know,’ Abby whispers, and she walks over to the other side of the table, and wraps her arms around Erin’s shoulders from behind, pressing the side of her head to Erin’s.‘I’ll be here.Ice cream, getting her out of the house for a while, hugs, whatever you need.’

‘Thanks, Abs. I love you,’ Erin says.Abby hasn’t heard those words from her best friend in a long time.She doesn’t say them much; only when she’s really emotional.

‘I love you too.’

Erin keeps trying very hard not to cry in the middle of the coffee shop.

Meanwhile, Britt and Holtzmann sit in the lab, Britt confined to one corner where she’s out of the line of any sort of fire.Holtz is still taking extra precautions, but there’s still a sense of wariness from Holtz, even about her own safety measures.

‘So you gonna tell me what’s up?’

‘Hmm?’

‘JJ, why are you so sad?’

‘I’m…honestly, it’s okay.’

‘No it isn’t.You look sad and it’s making me sad.’

‘It’s…it’s about Erin.’

‘Is she okay?’

‘Yeah, she’s fine, honey.I just…my…feelings…they’re complicated.’

‘Are they? I mean, I know that you love her lots, like lots and lots.’

‘I do, you’re right.’

‘But not just in the friend way, in the love way.Like Mom and Dad.’

Jillian’s a little taken aback by this.I mean, she knows that adults might get it, but is she really that obvious?

‘You…that’s what you think?’

‘Yeah.I know you, big sis.You always have this lovey-dovey look whenever you see her.It’s really funny.’

‘Shut up.’

‘It’s true!’

Holtzmann laughs a little, her world lightening up at her sister’s giggle.

‘I think she likes you like that too, you know.’

‘Nah,’ Holtzmann says, hoping desperately that her sister’s right despite her recent decision on the matter.

‘Yes!Why don’t you ask her on a date?’

‘There are some…things that might be changing soon.For me and you.’

‘Are we gonna move out of Erin’s?’

‘No!’ Holtzmann rushes to quell her sister’s worry. ‘No, not like that.Just…I might have another job soon.I wouldn’t be able to go out with Erin if I do it though.’

‘Why not?’

‘As I say.It’s complicated. And anyway,’ Holtz musters, ‘Erin and I will always be friends.Best friends.And what’s coming next for all of us is gonna make things better.I promise.’

‘I don’t want to see you unhappy though, JJ.’

‘I won’t be for long, kiddo, don’t worry,’ Holtzmann says.

Lying to herself is becoming easier by the day.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

A few hours later, Holtz is wordlessly working in the lab having dropped off Britt at school. 

She clunks around loudly with her tools, working on the proton pack with a furious vigor, not stopping for anything or anyone.There’s a point where Abby thinks about asking her to keep it down, but she knows that she needs this right now. 

Abby hasn’t known Holtzmann for all that long. 

She remembers the first time they talked properly to each other, a conversation over their lunch of Chinese takeout on the second day. 

Holtzmann spent most of the time laughing at Abby’s stories of Erin’s shenanigans, drunken antics they’d managed to share throughout their years of friendship, and how Patty would tease Erin over her outfits when she first got to Columbia.Her fashion sense had vastly improved with the help of a Patty makeover.Holtzmann had been laughing the whole time she heard the story, and it made her even fonder of her newfound roommate. 

Those days were a little simpler.She had a slight crush on Erin, that was all, and she was only going to be there for a week to fix a broken pipe and a floor.How the hell had it come to this?Choosing to give up a chance at being with Erin for the future of herself and her sister?

She knows it’s the right thing to do.She does.Britt’s future is what is absolutely most important to her.Although it would be amazing to have both, she doesn’t want to think about it, because it’ll just make her feel worse.

She rips a wire away from the proton pack, having threaded it through the wrong way; she doesn’t break it, but the sound is loud and enough to make Abby jump.Holtzmann glances up and attempts an apologetic look, but it doesn’t really come out as she’d hoped.Abby still looks a little uncomfortable with the whole situation.

‘Ya know,’ Abby starts, putting her notebook to the side for a moment so she can glance at her phone, ‘I have a dinner service that my Grandma hoarded, it’s complete crap and she didn’t even like it anyway.I can bring it tomorrow and we can destroy it all with a baseball bat out back in the alley.’

‘Sounds fabulous.I’ll be there.’

‘Great.Now would you stop clunking around?I know you got stuff to work through, but I need to actually get some work done, and as much as I appreciate the sound of metal, it does grate on the ears after a while.’

Holtzmann takes the screwdriver out of the other side of the proton pack and sighs heavily.‘I’m sorry Abs.’

‘I know, Holtzmann.It’s okay.I get it.’ 

They smile sadly to each other, knowing there’s not much to be done here.

Suddenly, the main riff of Take On Me sounds in the room, loud and tinny coming from Holtz’s phone.

‘Um…I’m not expecting any…calls,’ Holtzmann rambles to herself, going to pick up her phone and sitting on the stool next to Abby.

‘This is Holtzmann.’

‘Dr. Holtzmann, hello there!This is Dr. Bryant, from the engineering department at NYU?’

Holtzmann’s heart stops.

‘Uh, yes, hello Doc, how you doing?’

‘I’m very well, thank you, and yourself?’

‘Good.’

‘Wonderful, I was just calling to follow up on the email I sent you the other day?I sent it soon after we’d left the review, I just wanted to know if you’d still be interested?’

‘I’m sorry, I don’t think I got the email?’

‘You didn’t?I’m ever so sorry about that, your email address is [jj.holtzmann@hotmail.com](mailto:jj.holtzmann@hotmail.com), am I correct?’

‘That’s the one, just let me,’ Holtzmann says, whipping herself off the stool to run to the desktop computer.Abby follows, intrigued as to what the phone call is about.She did notice the way Holtzmann’s eyes went wide when she found out who was calling.‘Let me check my spam folder, I don’t tend to clean it, out very, often -‘

A few clicks later, and Holtzmann heart races at twice the speed it ever has before.

Sitting there, in her inbox, is an email from Dr. Bryant and Dr. Sketzer, sent only two hours after the review; and offering her a professorship in their department.

She feels like jumping for the stars or throwing up.She can’t decide which one just yet.

‘Here it is, yes, Doc, I’m terribly sorry.  Computers can be a bummer,’ Holtzmann says unconvincingly, still staring at the email and its contents.

Abby looks at the screen, and the look on her face as the subject of conversation dawns on her is the picture of absolute joy. 

‘Not at all.Anyway, we would normally require a couple of letters of recommendation to go with the professorship just to check everything’s in order, but one of our other professors told us about your former professor, Dr. Rebecca Gorin?It’s not exactly standard procedure, but our colleague put us in touch with her so we could ask her a few questions, and as soon as we mentioned your name she told us everything we needed to know.You’ll be covered with health insurance, and although the pay is a little less than Columbia’s, we’d love to be able to snap you up before they get their hands on you.You’d be an asset to this institution, Dr. Holtzmann.Of course, we can give you a couple of days to think about it -‘

‘I’ll take it.’

‘I’m sorry?’

‘I’ll take it.Thank you very much.’

‘Oh, that’s wonderful!If we could have you in on Monday for a run-through day, we can show where your office is and take you round the campus, that would be brilliant.I’ll be your boss, so if you have any queries or problems you come to me first.I’ll be happy to help.Thank you ever so much for accepting, Dr. Holtzmann! We’re extremely excited to have you on board.’

‘Not at all, Dr. Bryant.You’ve made my week,’ Holtzmann says, trying desperately to keep the thickness out of her voice as tears well up in her eyes.

‘That’s great to hear.See you on Monday?’

‘Bright and early.Bye,’

‘Buh-bye!’

With that, Holtzmann hangs up the phone, and takes one look at Abby.

‘They - they offered me - the professorsh -‘

‘I know Holtz.This is incredible!’

‘So I don’t - I can -‘

‘Yeah.’

Abby’s fighting back tears now as she sees the look of pure happiness on Holtz’s now tear stained face.

‘I -‘

‘Go.’

‘Sure?’

‘Of course.Get out of here.’

Holtzmann leans forward and takes Abby’s head in her hands, giving her a hard kiss on the forehead before darting towards the door, grabbing her jacket and swiping her glasses as she goes.

She runs like a maniac to the subway, almost tripping down the steps as she runs into the station, bumping into people before being the first to board the train at the platform.

She doesn’t sit down, but grips one of the bars for dear life, running through what she’s going to say.

The stops go by at snail’s pace, the train going slower for Holtz than it ever has before.She minds, a lot, but she knows it’s worth it if she gets to _her_.

She takes the steps up to the street two at a time, darting through hoards of students arriving for the half day on campus. 

If people are alarmed by a leather jacket clad, waistcoat wearing engineer wearing wacky glasses half power walking, half jogging through the prestigious halls of Columbia, they don’t say anything.

Once she reaches the office, she has to resist the urge not to run her finger over the name on it.

**_DR. ERIN GILBERT, PROFESSOR OF PARTICLE PHYSICS_ **

She closes her eyes for a moment, and smiles her biggest smile as she looks up to the sky, thanking whatever might be up there for this.

Her heart racing, she brings her hand up to the door.

_Knock._

_Knock._

_Knock._

She hears the footsteps and her heart jumps.

Then she hears the door unlock.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I AM SORRY JUSt THIS TOOK A LOT TO WRITE I AM EMOTIONAL OK


	12. I Found Love Where It Wasn't Supposed To Be

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Buckle up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Short and sweet, and exactly what the doctor ordered. Enjoy, folks. :)

A flustered Abby gets out of the yellow taxi, having paid the man before the cab even stopped.She hurries over to the history department of Columbia University, where Patty is working through a history book on the history of the Japanese involvement in World War One.

The historian hears the frantic knock at the door, and gets up to open it with an unimpressed face, assuming it’s another student who thinks they have the audacity to argue about their grade.

When an out-of-breath Abby is revealed to be the culprit, she grows confused.Abby never visits the history department.She’s thought it’s kind of unfair that she she spends so much time in the science department in the past, as a matter of fact.

‘It’s happening,’ Abby says, leaning her hand against the door frame.

‘What?’

‘Okay, so,’ Abby begins, barging into the office and hauling herself onto the plush chair on the other side, ‘Holtzmann, who you know is obviously, completely in love with Erin, right?’

‘Yeah,’ Patty says, closing the door as she waits for the continuation.

‘Holtzmann couldn’t be with Erin because of the whole recommendation ethics clause from Columbia, you know that part, right? It’s boring and annoying and impedes the whole story, yada yada yada,’ she says, looking at Patty with frantic eyes.

‘Yeah, yeah you filled me in yesterday,’ she replies, ‘go on.’

‘Well Holtzmann just got a call of NYU.They’re giving her the professorship, no recommendations necessary - apparently somebody talked to Dr. Gorin, and it’s kind of a miracle.She’s getting everything that Columbia gave her, a little less pay but she doesn't exactly about that part, it’s still a massive salary compared to what she’s had,’ Abby says, trying to hurry it along.

‘Wait, so she’s not gonna be working here?Which means there’s no -‘

‘Clause violation.’

‘So she and Erin can -‘

‘Patty,' the scientist says, her face the picture of pre-freakout mode,  'It’s happening.'

She leans forward in her seat as she says the words. 

‘It’s really happening?’

‘Yes!Holtzmann just bolted from work to go see her!’

‘Oh, thank GOD, that took too long, right?Yes, I’m so excited!’

‘Oh my God oh my God oh my GOD!’ Abby exclaims, her excitement reaching new heights that she hasn’t actually registered in her head.

‘This is amazing!’

They laugh and scream for a little bit longer, until Patty abruptly stops.

‘Wait.Does that mean we have to put up with them being all lovey dovey and shit?’

Abby stops too, thinking it through for a minute.

‘Goddamn it.’

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

On the other side of the door, there stands Holtzmann’s vice, Holtzmann’s enigma that she can’t wait to unlock.Erin stands there, and upon seeing Holtz her face relaxes and an easy smile graces her face.She’s wearing a pair of dark green skinny jeans, a white shirt and her beloved ankle boots, and Jillian doesn’t think she can compute for a moment.She can’t compute this situation as it is; she’s about to get everything she wants. 

She hopes.

‘Hey.’

‘Hey, what brings you to my side of town?’ Erin opens the door to let Holtzmann in, and the engineer takes a few hurried steps to get past Erin and the door, waiting for the other woman to close it.She notices she locks it, too.

_Here we go._

Walking over to the desk, Erin leans her hips on it, and Holtz doesn’t answer her question, but simply sidles round the desk, and Erin watches her the entire way.Holtzmann feels Erin’s eyes on her, boring into her body like laser vision, but it’s so exhilarating.The tension could be cut through with a knife, and they were both _living_ for it.

She looks to the laptop, noticing a half-written page on the screen; by looking closer, peering down at the computer and reading through the first few lines, she sees it’s her recommendation.Taking her glasses off and putting them in her pocket, she reads through the rest quickly.

‘It’s not done yet, not by a long shot, only a first draft, but I’m just getting into the swing of it.’

‘Yeah, good, good,’ Holtzmann says, still looking down at the screen.She peers over the top, noticing Erin’s eyes still on her, more unsure now; standing up properly, she cocks her head to the side for a moment before letting a blissful smirk stretch onto her face.‘Scrap it.’

Erin’s brows furrow, first in confusion, then in a sweet mix of frustration and anger.

‘What are you talking about?It’s glowing about you.I’m trying to fit everything in and -‘

‘Erin.’

‘What?’

‘Scrap. It.’

‘But why?’

Holtzmann saunters around the other side of the desk, to where Erin is leaning still, much more tense than before. ‘I don’t need it anymore, Erin.Thank you, and I’m sorry you wasted half a day on it, but I don’t need it anymore.’

‘Jillian, don’t waste this opportunity because of something that -‘

‘Just a minute, Er,’ Holtzmann all but whispers, and Erin can’t help but look at every move she’s making.She’s magnetic.

Holtz pulls out her phone, unlocking it and deftly tapping the screen to get to the app she needs to, opening the mail app and looking for what she wants to show the other woman.

Pinpointing it, she turns the phone around, and looks into Erin’s eyes for a moment.They’re so captivating, and for a second she forgets what she’s trying to show Erin; then, she nods down minutely to the phone, and Erin takes it hesitantly, breaking eye contact with Jillian to read the message.

Holtzmann tries to read Erin’s face, every minute expression, every reaction she has, all the little movements of her eyebrows and the quirks of her lips, _God_ , those lips.

‘You…prof…professorship…NYU want to give you a professorship?’

‘Yeah.They emailed me the same day as Columbia did, it was just in my spam box.The pay isn’t as wonderful, but it’s still incredible considering what I’m getting from Higgins, it’s enough to stabilise everything, start a little trust fund for Britt.There’s a health insurance package.’

‘Wait, if you…there’s none of that in the email, so how do you know that?’

Holtzmann takes the phone back gently, setting it down just on the desk beside Erin, leaning in a little closer.She looks into Erin’s eyes for a moment, and there’s a million questions, all of which she can’t wait to answer.

‘I…got a call, from Dr. Bryant, offering me the professorship.Starting Monday.’

‘But, but how, they don’t want any recommendations or anything?’

‘A colleague got in contact with Dr. Rebecca Gorin, my former Professor at MIT.She told them everything they wanted to know.The job is there if I want it.’

Erin’s breath hitches, Jillian sees it in her throat; the air is filled with such palpable tension Holtzmann can taste it on her tongue.

‘And?’

Jillian Holtzmann looks into the eyes of Erin Gilbert, letting herself be locked in by those beautiful blue eyes. 

‘Columbia can suck it.I took the job, and I start on Monday.’

Erin looks like she might cry, and she lets out a surprised, quiet laugh, not breaking eye contact with Holtz for anything.‘So, what does…does this mean…’

She looks nervous as she asks the question, not even able to finish the sentence.Holtz lets a sly grin slip onto her face as she begins to answer her.

‘It means…I can do…this,’ she starts, slowly running her fingers over Erin’s hand, softly nudging her fingers open so she can interlock her own between them.As she does so, she doesn’t take her eyes off Erin’s face, gauging her reaction to every move she’s making.She sees Erin’s gulp, but it isn’t that she’s scared; she’s apprehensive to see what comes next.

‘It means I can do this…’

She brings her hand up to Erin’s neck, brushing her knuckles up the side slowly, her smile completely gone on her face, letting her knuckles run over Erin’s jawline and bringing them to rest on her cheek.

Looking upon Erin’s face, she sees her eyes are glassy with tears, what Holtzmann hopes are tears of joy.

‘It means, EG, that if you want…I can do what I’ve been wanting to do for a very long time.If you want it too?’

Holtz can’t keep her own emotions at bay as a tear starts to slip down her cheek.Erin wants to bring her own hand to wipe it away, but she’s too focused one Holtzmann’s hand on her own face and how it’s making her heart hammer out of her chest.

After a beat, Erin decides it’s time to let herself move.She lets her legs open a little so that Jillian can step into them, and puts a hand on Holtz’s waist and she swears she can hear Holtz whimper.She’s not sure what it means; does she want this? Is she scared? Dare Erin think, is she turned on?

‘I want this, Jill.’

‘What?’

She knows the answer to that question, but she needs to hear it from Erin’s lips or she’ll go crazy.

And she’s never going to be the same when she hears it, either.

Erin’s voice is thick with emotion, but the words are strong and confident and they make Holtz feel things she never, ever thought she could feel.

‘I want you.’

The knuckles that are brushing Erin’s cheek are turned over so that it’s Jillian’s palm holding it, cupping the side of her face, her thumb brushing just under Erin’s eyes.Erin’s grip on Jill’s waist gets stronger, and Holtz tries to keep the tears in as she feels Erin’s hand grip harder.

‘Oh, Thank God,’ she whispers, and she leans in.

Erin meets her halfway, and God, it’s everything she wants.It’s everything she’s been sure she’d never get and more, it’s everything she’s wanted for so, so long, and it’s everything she’ll ever want.

Erin finds Jillian’s lips are soft, and they fit perfectly with hers.It’s a gentle kiss; one that feels like coming home in the evening after a long day.Holtz’s other hand finds Erin’s other cheek, framing her face as she breaks her lips away from Erin’s for a moment, before pressing them against her lips again, harder this time, more sensual, a little parted to take Erin’s bottom lip between her own.Erin’s other hand reaches to the back of Jill’s neck, bringing her impossibly closer to her.She opens her legs a little more, letting Jillian in and she presses herself against Erin’s body, illiciting a small moan from the physicist; it’s not sexual, but more as if…she’s been waiting for this, and now she finally has it. 

They break apart slowly, Jillian taking a little time to let Erin’s lip go from between hers, and they stay with their foreheads pressed together, breathing a little heavily, and Erin’s face is the one to split into a wide smile first, Holtz’s closely following her.

‘Finally,’ Erin says breathily, opening her eyes to look into Holtzmann’s.They’re open too, having watched Erin for a moment before, basking in the fact that she gets to kiss this beautiful woman.

‘I’ve wanted you for so long, Erin,’ Holtzmann whispers.‘I’ve wanted you since the moment you asked me to fix your kitchen.’

‘Jill…I’ve wanted you since I asked you to stay in my apartment that first night.’

‘You know,’ Jillian begins, taking one hand away from where it’s dropped to the nape of Erin’s neck, ‘Columbia really can suck it, because they were going to deny me this.Knowing what I’d have been missing…I don’t think I would have been able to live with it.’

‘Now you never have to.’

Out of the blue, Holtz hoists Erin up to sit on her desk, so that they’re at an opposite level; Erin had been leaning against the desk, making her just that tiny bit shorter than Holtzmann in the moment, and now they were positioned so that Erin was just that little bit taller.She still doesn’t have to lean far to capture Erin’s lips again, more fully this time, and she gently pulls her head back, Erin following her and keeping their mouths connected, breaking apart for a beat before Erin pulls back herself, beginning to wind her hands into Holtz’s intricate updo.Holtz runs her tongue lightly over Erin’s bottom lip, and the physicist is more than eager to oblige, opening her mouth and letting Holtz in fully.She feels like she should be able to curb the shaky moan that rips from her throat in that moment, that’s definitely more sexual than the last one, but she just can’t.Jillian’s tongue on hers sends stars shooting down through her whole body, and she desperately wants to feel that, and so much more.

Unconsciously, she wraps her legs around Jillian’s thigh, and Jillian presses further into her in turn, accidentally brushing against the inside of her upper thigh, and another moan escapes, even more high-pitched from the last one.To Erin’s dismay, Holtzmann breaks the kiss, both of them heaving from their breathless lungs, and Holtz smiles wickedly, her eyes still lidded and dark from the events that have just transpired.

‘I wanna hear that more often,’ she mutters lowly, a little chuckle following the statement as she takes her phone from where it was placed earlier, not moving her other hand from where it’s ended up threaded in the lower parts of Erin’s hair.They both look at the phone, Holtzmann typing out a quick text to Abby.

**_Holtzmann: Could you please pick up Britt from school? I may or may not have a date.Maybe update you later. xxx_ **

The reply is almost instantaneous, and Erin’s grip on the back of her neck tightens a little.It sends a shiver down her spine.

**_Absinator: Of course.Congrats, mad scientist.Hey Erin. ;) xxx_ **

Erin giggles a little at the address Abby’s paid her in the text.She looks up at Holtz, who’s putting the phone down and looking straight into Erin’s eyes, and they’re shining with pure happiness.

‘Why did you say may or may not?’

‘Because I haven’t asked the lady yet, of course.’

She steps away from Erin, and she almost misses the comfort of having Jillian so close.The engineer stands to attention, her hands behind her back. 

‘Erin Gilbert, Particle Physicist extraordinaire and the most beautiful woman I know and will ever know, would you care to join me for a spot of hot chocolate in Central Park this fine afternoon?’

She stands at ease once more, and hold her hand out in question, never breaking eye contact with the physicist. 

‘Jill Holtzmann, revolutionary nuclear engineer and most incredible person in my life, I would absolutely love to.’ It’s corny, she knows, but she loves it anyway.

She takes Jillian’s hand daintily, hopping off the table and bringing her hand up to her lips to kiss it.Jillian smiles the most amazing smile, and Erin just regards her for a moment, watching her facial expression change into blissful confusion.

‘What?’

‘Nothing…you’re just…you’re really pretty,’ Erin lets out quietly, her eyes narrowing a little as she regards Jill thoughtfully.

‘So are you,’ Holtz adds confidently, throwing a wink at the physicist which makes her giggle once more.Holtz lets go of Erin’s hand momentarily, grabbing her Erin’s coat from the small couch on the other side of the room, opening it so that Erin could step into it.She does so quickly, eager to get the show on the road, and they’re about to walk out of the office when Erin stops.

‘Oh, just one thing,’ Erin says, walking back round to her computer where the recommendation still sits half-done.

She deletes it off the screen in a couple of taps, swiping the last button with a finality; the last roadblock to Holtz, moved out of the way.

Looking back up at the engineer, she sees that she’s put her arm out, her hand outstretched and her fingers wiggling once, waiting for the physicist to take her hand.The grin on her face is contagious, and Erin breaks out into a kilowatt smile as she takes Jill’s hand.Closing the door behind them, for once in her life, she has absolutely no care about walking down the corridor hand in hand with someone, especially not Jillian, for fear of what her students might think of her.She just does it, and she’s so, so much happier for it.

Jillian sighs in contentment.She hasn’t been happier than this since the day her sister came into her life.

They glance at each other as they exit the building, and the love is in their eyes and waiting to be further discovered.

_Well done, Holtzy._

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Do you think they’ll be PDA-ish, though?’

‘Nah, I think Erin probably wouldn’t be all up for that, but there’s probably gonna be the odd kiss here and there.We just gonna have to caution them.Thank God we don’t all live together, because THAT would be a nightmare,’ Patty remarks, shaking her head as she checks her phone momentarily.

She’s really going to regret saying that soon enough.

Britt will be happy too, I bet,’ Patty continues, putting her phone down and clasping her hands together on her desk.

‘Oh yeah, she’ll be bouncing off the walls.She’s loved Erin from day one, they get on like a house on fire, it was always easy to tell.They’re gonna be like a little family, it’s gonna be gross,’ Abby says, chuckling at her own prediction.

‘Hey, we don’t know anything yet.Holtz could do something unpredictable.’

‘You should have seen her, Pats.I don’t think anything was gonna stop her this time.’

Just at that moment, Abby’s phone chimes to the side of her, and she picks it up to read the text she’s received.

**_Holtzy: Could you please pick up Britt from school? I may or may not have a date.Maybe update you later. xxx_ **

Abby looks at her phone in contentment, their excitement having calmed down somewhat.

She hands Patty the phone, and the historian looks at it and breaks out into a huge smile.Abby smiles back, taking the phone and regarding the message one more time before replying.

**_Yates: Of course.Congrats, mad scientist.Hey Erin. ;) xxx_ **

She puts it down, and falls back into the sofa, smiling at Patty and letting out a breath of relief.

‘Looks like we have lift off.’

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAPPY NOVEMBER 1ST Y'ALL


	13. My Love's Not Goin' Anywhere

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The DATE and some reminiscing had by all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. First and foremost, I want to say thank you so, so so much for sticking around with this fic. It's been a tough couple of weeks, with various events like assignments, infamous writer's block and the dreaded election really weighing me down, so I just want to apologise and thank you all so very much for your comments, your well wishes on tumblr and your patience. You're all wonderful and you deserve all the nice things. Here's your daily reminder that we are better than the pigs that will be taking over the US Government in January and we should continue to fight for our rights, and the rights of all. We matter, and we always will. Hope you enjoy the chapter. <3

‘Hey Britt, how are ya?’

‘Abby? Hi, where’s JJ?’

‘JJ’s a lil’ busy right now so she asked me to come get you.Patty said the Natural History museum is open today, you wanna go?’

‘Yeah!But wait…’

Abby raises an eyebrow at the girl, whose own are furrowed deep in thought.

‘If JJ can’t get me normally EG comes to get me.’

‘I know, she’s got some stuff too.’

She sees a glint in the little girl’s eye and wonders, wonders how much she knows.

‘So…Natural History museum?’

‘Yeah, Patty’s gonna meet us there.’

‘Leggo.’ 

The seriousness in the wee one’s voice is almost too much for Abby to handle, and she pulls the scientist along with her as they head to the nearest subway line.She knows Britt will have a field day with her two favourite people becoming romantically involved; she’s loved Erin like a sister from almost day one.Something tells her that it’ll all be fine. 

She smiles as they descend into the station.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

‘Erin?’

She’s pulled out of her thoughts as they approach a hot chocolate and churros stand on the edge of Central Park, by the beginning of fifth avenue.She hasn’t been thinking about anything in particular; more just the fact that she’s actually managed to get this lucky.She almost feels as if she’s in shock.She didn’t think for a second she’d be able to have this.Looking down at Holtzmann’s and her conjoined hands, she squeezes subconsciously and lets a small grin bloom on her face.

‘Sorry, what did you say?’ she asks, looking up at the wonderful woman next to her.She’s bundled in a leather jacket, big old scarf and a hoodie underneath, and dons a thrift-shop type shirt that she remembers clinging onto as she kissed her not half an hour before.Her glasses are firmly on her face, and Erin can still see the beauty shining through the lenses.Holtzmann doesn’t reply to Erin, figuring that whatever she’s said isn’t really important, because she’s a little blindsided by Erin’s own eyes.

‘We’re a mess.’ 

They both burst into throaty, guffawing laughter, almost to the point that it hurts, because they’re just realising how wonderfully in love they are with each other.

‘Come on.As adorable as we are, I need me some food, all this kissing business makes me hungry,’ Holtzmann says smoothly, walking away from Erin without taking her eyes off of her.It would have been so well done, and so fluid, but alas, the next moment, she stumbles in a small pothole in the path.Erin snorts quietly, languidly following her…girlfriend?

_Never mind, we’ll get to that later._

They get to the stand, and Holtzmann swiftly orders two large hot chocolates with marshmallows, then turns around to the physicist for a second.

‘Would you like a churro, m’love?’ she asks in a southern accent, a crooked smirk crossing her features for a moment before she can’t help but let it turn into a full blown grin.

‘Well, I’ve never had one before,’ Erin says timidly, looking at the stand in anticipation.

Holtzmann looks gravely offended by the news, and simply holds a finger up and turns her attention back to the stand.The hot chocolates are ready, and now the man is preparing a churro, taking the fried batter and pumping some chocolate sauce into it, letting it spew out of the top a little bit before wrapping it up and handing it to Holtzmann.She takes it and thanks him kindly, and puts the hot chocolates down for a second before turning back to Erin.

‘Now.Taste this.This is incredible, and is probably the only thing that I would choose over Pringles ever. E-ver.’

‘Wait, are you serious?’

‘Deadly.’

‘Well I gotta,’ Erin starts, ‘I gotta try it then!’ she says flippantly, a beaming smile on her face matching her raised eyebrows.She takes it from Holtzmann, whose sparkling eyes look at her expectantly as she takes a tentative bite.She manages to get chocolate sauce on her chin, and Holtzmann doesn’t comment on it; she simply watches in wonder at Erin’s face lighting up at the taste, and she feels tears sting wonderfully behind her eyes and she has to blink a couple of times to ward them off.

‘Holtz this is amazing!’

She snaps out of her reverie, and lets a smirk fall across her lips before picking up the hot chocolates and walking them to a bench over near the snow covered trees.

‘Yeah, you think that’s good?I’ve heard in Spain, you go to a churros bar and they give you a goddamn mug of pure chocolate sauce, a plate of churros and you just go to town.It’s like my heaven,’ Holtzmann says, watching Erin enjoy the sweet treat as she avidly listens to the engineer’s musings.

‘Oh yeah?’

‘Yeah.I mean, it would be a super bonus if you were there, like a Mario super-level up, but you know.You get the gist.’

‘I’m a Mario super-level up, huh?’The tone is soft out of Erin’s mouth, and she stops eating the churro for a moment to get a good look at the way Holtzmann is gazing at her.She looks like she’s at peace as she lets her eyes scan Erin’s face.

For a second, there’s nothing between them, just their gazes.It’s broken when Holtzmann reaches out her thumb to swipe the small bit of chocolate that’s still perching on Erin’s chin, and she can _see_ Erin shudder from where she’s sitting as the engineer sucks the chocolate off her thumb.

‘Couldn’t go round New York with chocolate smudged on ya.’

‘True.’

They both giggle a little, and for Erin, she feels like she hasn’t giggled properly in a long time.It almost feels strange.But it’s good.

‘I can see why this is your favourite food though, Jill, seriously.It’s like crack,’ Erin says fondly, passing the half eaten churro to Holtzmann who takes a big bite.

‘Well,’ she begins before registering her mouth is full, then halting a second to chew her food, ‘one day I wanna go to Madrid and try one of those churro bars, it’s a dream of mine.’

‘I always wanted to go to Spain.’

They glance at each other for a moment, and ideas mill around their own heads that they both know are too much to disclose to each other in this particular moment.

Holtzmann sees Erin shiver from the cold a little, remembering that it’s actually pretty damn cold outside.She discard the wrapper in the closest trash can quickly before picking up their hot chocolates and handing one to Erin, before wrapping her right arm tentatively around Erin’s shoulders.Immediately, she congratulates her decision in her head, as Erin snuggles into Holtzmann’s arm, letting the side of her head hit Jillian’s cheek softly.The engineer turns her head a little, for a moment, lets herself breathe Erin in, her dark auburn hair smelling like apples from the shampoo she’s been using.Carefully, she touches her lips to it, before turning her head back and taking a sip of her hot chocolate, looking around at the white park.The snow hasn’t fallen in about four hours, but the plowers have already been down the paths, so it’s just beautiful, clean snow on either side of them, not a patch missing. 

‘You know I’m not very good at…dating.’

‘You’re doing fine so far, if that’s what you’re asking,’ Holtzmann replies fondly, giving Erin’s shoulder a squeeze in their current embrace.

‘No no, it’s not that although,’ she lets out a breathy laugh, ‘thanks.It’s just that…I’m not sure dating you is what I really wanna do,’ Erin explains, then realising what she might have sounded like as she feels Holtzmann shift a little above her. ‘No no no, not like that, I do want you, Jill I want you so much,’ she continues, slipping up in the embrace so their eyes are level.Their faces are close, and the air between them is cool.

‘I just…dating has never, ever gone well for me.So can we just take the pressure off, not use that word and just be together?’

Holtzmann lifts the hand that’s wrapped around Erin’s shoulder and takes a piece of Erin’s hair, stroking it softly as she looks at the woman she proudly labels as her beloved in her head.She understands why Erin’s so insecure about it; she’s never been fabulous at dating herself, and she certainly hasn’t done it in a long time.

‘Sounds good to me, EG.Begs the question, though…will you be my girlfriend?’

‘Of course I will, Jill.’

They look up at each other for a fleeting moment before Holtz decides that she can no longer resist those lips, leaning in gently to brush her lips over Erin’s softly, letting the silky feel distract her from the cold.They’re warm, and it surprises her, but she revels in it. 

It’s not a long kiss, but it’s languid and beautiful, like they feel as if they have all the time in the world.A smile is shared between them, and they’re about to settle into their embrace once more when a voice starts behind her.

‘Doc Holtzmann?’

Holtzmann doesn’t unwrap her arm from Erin’s shoulder just yet, looking to the opposite side of her to see who the voice belongs to.

‘Well I never.Mike Wheeler my boy, how are you?!’

 

_‘I was teaching science to 12 year olds who didn’t really care.It just about paid the bills, I had an apartment just on the other side in East Harlem.It was all going fine, until one of the parents came in on the parents’ evening and kinda, um, sounded bored but whatever, asked about their kid’s progress. I was honest with them, and told them I was doing my best to help them get better, despite the fact they clearly excelled in English and History.Like, the kid was reading Harry Potter quicker than I’ve seen a twelve year old read it, but his mom wasn’t happy… a few days later, got called into the Principal’s office… they said a parent had complained about my ability to teach simply because this kid couldn’t do science... So I got fired.’_

 

His smile is as wide as anything, a grin that reaches his eyes as he looks upon his former teacher.His voice is deeper, but he still shines with happiness.

‘I’m good thanks Doc, really good,’ he says, looking behind him for a quick moment to find his father a hundred metres behind, carrying with him what is surely a younger sister.

‘I’m glad to hear it, how’s that science malarky going?’

‘It’s okay I guess, I’m passing it now at least.They moved me up a grade in English though,’ he says proudly.

‘Did they now?’ Holtzmann’s eyebrows shoot up, and she takes a quick glance at Erin who’s just grinning at the entire interaction.She remembers the story Jillian told her that first night like she heard it yesterday.

‘Yup.They’re talking about it for history too for after the Christmas break,’ he says excitedly, and the couple see he’s almost bouncing on his toes. 

‘You keep it up, you hear me?’ Holtzmann says, pointing at the boy good-naturedly.‘Whatever your mom says, as long as you can pass in science, that’s fine.If it’s not for you it’s not for you, I’m not offended,’ she adds a wink in for good measure. ‘Books are obviously your secret weapon, so use ‘em wisely.’

‘Sir yes sir,’ Mike parrots back, a smile still lovingly etched into his features.

‘Good stuff, kiddo.This is Erin, by the way, she’s a scientist like myself.’

Erin waves at the boy almost timidly, and he waves back with an enthusiastic flare, questions burning on his tongue.

‘Do you build cool things too?’

‘No, that’s not really my thing, but I’m the reason this one,’ she hits Holtzmann lightly on the shoulder,‘can actually build all the cool stuff.I make the theories, she makes them reality.’

‘That sounds pretty awesome, but I think I’ll stick to my books.I just started Shakespeare… is it weird that I think it’s really cool?’

‘Not at all buddy, you do you. Never let anybody take that away from you.’

‘Doc?’

‘Yeah buddy?’

‘I’m sorry my mom got you fired.’

Holtzmann’s breath hitches, Erin feels it in her embrace.She tries to subtly lift her own hand to brush and hold the one resting on her shoulder, and she feels Holtzmann grip it firmly.She obviously doesn’t mind if the boy sees.

‘It’s not your fault, kiddo, it never was.And anyway, I’m all good now.Like, better than ever good.So don’t you worry about your old Doc, okay?You keep studyin’, I’ll keep workin’.We’ll be okay.’

The smile, although more timid than before, appears on Mike’s face again, and he puts his hands in his pockets gently, looking to see that his father was approaching swiftly.

‘I gotta go, but it was really awesome to see you Doc,’ he says, moving to walk towards his family.

‘And you Mikey boy, keep it up.See you around,’ Holtz replies, sending him off with a two fingered salute Erin had come to know so well around Holtzmann.

They watch him walk down the path, and the family leave the park together, his sister holding his hand and their Dad right behind them.

Erin doesn’t notice the tears in Holtzmann’s eyes until she hears the quietest of shaky breaths.

‘Hey, it’s okay,’ Erin says softly, lifting a finger to wipe a stray tear that’s gone astray.

‘I know, I’m just…I’m so glad he’s okay, after all this he was the one I didn’t wanna suffer because his mom was too much of an asshole to see what he wanted,’ Jillian says, calming herself down as she talks. ‘And anyway as I said.Worked out for the best.He’s got a passion in life now, and I have a family.Couldn’t really ask for more.

’Well you know.You could ask for ghosts to be real.’

‘Yeah, maybe.We’ll leave that for now.’

Half an hour or so later, the pair decides it’s a little too cold to keep sitting out in this weather, especially as the snow begins to fall once more.They walk up the other side of Central Park to find the subway station, into the Upper West side toward the Hudson River.They’re walking up a semi-busy when Erin stops, stock still, her face furrowed in concentration.Holtzmann stops with her, looking at her girlfriend to see what good reason she might have for stopping in the beginnings of another snow flurry.

‘Holtz.’

‘Yes, my dear Erin?’

‘Do you smell that?’

‘Smell what?’

‘It’s…’

‘Wait…’

At the same time, their memories serve them correctly.

‘Ionisation discharge.’

‘Yes!It’s really faint but…I think it’s coming from…’ Erin looks in the direction she smelt it from, only leading her to be looking at the old, grand building off the sidewalk.

 

**ALDRIDGE MANSION**

 

‘Huh.’

‘Do you wanna take a look?’

Erin thinks on it for a moment, before deciding against it, wrapping her arm through Holtzmann’s again in the cold weather.She’s not even sure she wants to believe anything right now.

‘It can wait, I think.Maybe let Abby know tomorrow, I know it’ll be a Saturday but…she’d probably be interested.’

‘I can imagine, yeah…’Holtzmann trails off, still looking at the mansion before abruptly turning her attention away from it, looking at Erin straight in the face with a proposition as they continue walking

‘Meanwhile, for us two…how does movie night with potstickers and the little munchkin sound?’

‘Perfect,’ Erin all but whispers, leaning to capture Jill’s lips quickly as they walk before finally hitting the subway station to make their way home.

Outside the Aldridge mansion, a small gaggle of tourists are being ushered in by the tour guide, ready for the last tour of the day before they close up for the night. 

Little does he know, the tour guide is in for a more than unpleasant surprise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Think y'all know what might be coming next. ;)


	14. If There's Something Strange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go folks, getting into the meat of things. Or, if you prefer, here begins the ghostbusters film a la established Holtzbert, with twists, of course.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI GUYS I'm sorry I've been super busy with final exams for the semester, but here we go. Hope y'all enjoy the route I'm taking.

The next morning, Jillian Holtzmann leaves her apartment later than usual.She hasn’t had a smile etched onto her face for this much uninterrupted time for as long as she can remember.Earlier, she had woken up to see Britt was no longer in her bed, and after looking at the clock to see the time was gone 9am, she’d bolted out of her bed and sprinted out to the kitchen, where a fresh pot of coffee was waiting for her and a handwritten note beside it.

 

**_Thought you could use the sleep, you’ve been up all night for a few days this week.Abby knows. Took Britt to school.I’ll be over for lunch.See you later - EG :) xxx_ **

 

The breath Jillian had let out was so soothing, and she’d felt so much lighter at the thought of not having to rush for a moment.She normally likes being kept on her toes; she’s a busy person, and she likes it that way.Never stopping, never standing still.But there really are times when she could just use the quiet. 

That had been earlier though - now she’s on her way to work, a spring in her step and that everlasting smile on her face.She sidles into the lab, Abby is nowhere to be seen - she assumes she’s in the bathroom, or hiding behind the mountain of equipment, so she hums to herself and dumps her bag on her desk, her little Wonder Woman and Supergirl bobbleheads wobbling about as the bag hits the cold metal. 

‘Hey there stranger.’

She whirls around to see Abby, a crooked smirk on her face with a pair of kind eyes to go with it. 

‘Hi.’

‘How you doing?’ Abby asks, walking over to her stool on the other side of the desk as Holtzmann takes out a few of the tools she’d had at home.She whips off her jacket and flings it onto a swivelling chair on the other side of the room.

‘I’m uh…I’m doing pretty damn good, Abs.’

‘I can imagine.’

Holtzmann’s eyes look up to see Abby’s smirk certainly hasn’t fallen, but only gotten wider.

‘It’s just…it’s working.Everything’s working out and I can’t really believe it’s all happening.’

‘It’ll sink in a some point.I’m…god, I’m really happy for ya, Holtz.You both deserve this.Hell, it was about time.’

They both chuckled to themselves, Holtzmann busying herself with putting her bag on the floor and taking her tools over to one of the other work desks.

‘Hey…Erin and I were walking in the upper west side yesterday, near central park, there was super weird smell by the mansion on one of the streets up there.’

‘And you feel the need to tell me that because…’

‘Because,’ Holtzmann turns around dramatically, maniacal eyes down to a tee. ‘it was a ghost smell.’

‘Ghost smell? Really?’ Abby’s eyes are disbelieving, ready to dismiss Holtz’s declaration as a joke.

‘No actually, I’m not, I’m not kidding, there was definitely a strong whiff of ionisation discharge.’

Abby’s disbelieving grimace fell, her face turning serious as anything.

‘Wait, you’re serious?’

‘As Mr Black himself.’

‘Oh…well, shouldn’t we check it out?’

‘I was thinking maybe this afternoon?’

‘Sounds like a plan, Erin should be here with lunch in a couple hours so we can go then?’

‘Sounds good - do you think…do you think she’ll wanna come with us?’

Abby stops in her tracks, where she’s walked over to the computer.

‘I don’t…I dunno.It’s kind of…ghosts haven’t been her thing for a while.’

‘Haven’t been her thing?’

‘They haven’t really been anyone’s thing for a while, I guess, but she…you know, actually it’s not really my place to talk about it.When Erin wants to tell you, she’ll tell you.’

‘Okay.I mean she obviously has interest, so something’s gone on.I can wait.But meanwhile…here’s the…address, of the,’ Holtzmann says in a stunted manner, typing it into the computer and ushering Abby over.They look at the website of the mansion, scanning over the info on the front page.

‘Wait, hang on a minute.It says it’s closed today, why would it be closed?It’s a Saturday, primetime for tourists,’ Holtzmann remarks, her alarm bells going off; she knows that ionisation discharge was something.She’s not letting it go.

‘Well yeah, but I guess people need a break, sometimes?’

‘I just think it’s weird, especially after what we got a whiff of last night.’

‘Wait…hang on, keep scrolling.’

House is closed until further notice due to haunting.

‘That can’t be real.’

‘Oh really?That’s what you’re going with?I thought you believed in this stuff.’

‘You know I said I was open to believing, I never said I believed,’ Holtzmann counters, furrowing her brows as she reads through the site’s page once more.

‘Okay, we really need to check this place out,’ Abby declares, going over to her own desk and burrowing through her pile of crap on top of it.

‘Shall we go now? Wait, no Erin’s supposed to be coming by with lunch…’

‘I’m calling her.’

‘Wait, what?No, why would you call her I thought this was sensitive -‘

‘I know, I’m sorry I just…she would kill us if we go without her.’

‘You said you didn’t know!’

Abby dials the number and puts the phone to her ear, the rings beginning to chime through.

‘Yeah I know, but thinking about it…she would be too curious not to.’

Erin obviously picks up on the other end, as Abby’s face contorts into concentration.

‘Hey, Erin, how’s work?Good? Yeah awesome listen, Holtz told me about that ionisation discharge you both got a peek of at the Aldridge mansion? Yeah, you got a good snout on you there Gilbert.Yeah, okay I was thinking that we might go down there now, see if the owners are around, it says they’re closed online but there must be somebody around, it’s the best lead we’ve gotten…yeah, we were gonna ask if you wanna…you do? Great.Meet us there, half an hour.Ok.Bye.’

She presses the end call button and nods at Holtzmann, a small, excited smirk on her face.The engineer’s eyes widen and begins to run about, grabbing all their stuff they may need.

‘I got the pack,’ she says, picking up her high voltage strap silver bag and picks up her jacket, following Abby out as they both run to flag a taxi, nothing in their way.Maybe they’re about to see their first ghost, maybe they aren’t, but it’s gonna be fun either way.Holtz swings the door of the taxi closed and claps her hands together, rubbing them hotly as she snickers in her seat.

‘Let’s go see a ghost, baby,’ she declares slyly, wooping much to Abby’s surprise.

 

~~~~~~~~~~()~~~~~~~~~~

 

Holtzmann and Abby step out of a cab, and Holtzmann beams as she spots Erin leaning on the wall outside the mansion.‘Hey babe,’ Holtzmann address her girlfriend happily, and she leans over to Erin.She plants a kiss on her cheek, and when Erin tries to hold back a pout at the lesser proximity, Holtz simply winks and turns around to see Abby already looking around for somebody who may know something about the mansion.

‘Excuse me? We’re not open,’ a man calls from the other side of the street, attracting the attention of all three women.Immediately, Abby tries to rein in her excitement as she crosses the street, the other two crossing behind her as Holtzmann lifts her hand to give the man a two-fingered salute.

‘Hi, we’re looking for the proprietor of this establishment, believe his name is Ed Mulgrave?’

‘Ed Mulgrave?’

‘That’s the one.’

‘But Ed Mulgrave died fifteen years ago.’

Erin jumps in, confused as all hell.

‘But I’m pretty sure I, pretty sure I’ve seen him walking around, I was walking past last night…’

‘Dead for fifteen years, Ed’s a ghost! Ha!’ Abby exclaims, clapping her hands together excitedly.

‘No, I’m pretty sure he was…oh.Well, that’s him.’

‘Well that’s Ed’s son, Ed Jr.’

As the man walks up to join the conversation, he looks confused as to why three women are accosting his employee.

‘Can I help you?’

‘Yeah, we’re here because we saw you had a haunting?On your, on your website?’

‘Wait, you actually went on our website?’ the younger man says, a look of sheer disbelief etched on his face.

‘Yeah, we’re scientists who have an interest in the paranormal, we’ve been researching it for a while.’

‘Seriously?That’s brilliant!’

‘Yeah okay so,’ Abby says, eager to get down to business, ‘if I may uh, when was the last time the entity was actually seen, and if you could rank it between a T1 and a T5, what would you..’

‘Garret here saw it on Tuesday, and I believe it made him soil himself.’

‘Jesus.’ Garret is mortified, but hardly shows it in his face.

‘Wow. Soiling, I'd put that at a T3.T4, if it was poop.’

‘Holtzmann!’ Erin tries to chastise her girlfriend, but she’s on a roll now.

‘What?’

‘Unless you ate something weird.Then it wasn't the ghost.Kinda hard to suss that out after the fact though,’ Holtzmann rambles, Erin face palming into her hand.

‘I didn't soil myself,’ Garret tries, looking away from the conversation as he tries to salvage what may be left of his ruined reputation.

‘He did. He called me sobbing, saying, “Oh, my God, my pants are toast.”’

‘Ooof, unlucky buddy,’ Holtzmann says, leaning forward and patting his arm jovially. 

‘Would you be able to give us a tour -‘

Before Abby can finish her sentence, the keys already on the road behind the group. 

‘You’re gonna die in there.’

Holtzmann just turns around, a smile still etched into her features as she follows Abby, whose stoic determination almost scares Erin.The physicists hurriedly follows them both to the mansion, and they open the gates and make their way in.

Erin only gets in the door as Holtzmann has dumped her bag, and Abby takes the PKE Meter out of it and switches it on, the machine beginning to whirl at a steady pace.

‘Aldridge Mansion take one AND we are rolling,’ Holtzmann announces, Abby taking the lead as they make their way through the main corridor.

‘So tell me, Erin, how is it that you manage to look so wonderfully pretty every single day of your life?’ Jillian asks, pointing the camera in the physicist’s face.

‘Holtzmann please, this is serious!’

‘Oh totally, I am serious.Also, how do you feel good about life when you look like you’re going to a funeral?’

She’s worn her heels today, and her smarter trouser suit with a crisp white shirt.

‘It’s a hardship of life, now stop it!’ Erin pushes the camera away from her face, having to do it twice when it takes a couple of tries for Holtzmann to relent and follow Abby.

As the other two walk into the main room, Erin hangs back.Something drips onto her suit, and she grimaces as she feels what it might be - it’s green and disgusting, and it makes Erin angry more than anything.

Abby comes across a door, and tries the doorknob - it’s sealed shut.

‘Somebody definitely doesn’t want us getting in there,’ she mutters, turning her attention to the big main drawing room, ushering Holtzmann in with the recording camera.

Erin, meanwhile, keeps following, turning around as she walks and surveying the 360 of the corridor.She returns to her original spot, and notices the basement door has been left wide open.Her eyes bug out of her skull, and she storms into the main room to confront her friend and girlfriend.

‘Very funny, you guys, is everything a joke to you today? Pooping, now this?’

‘Just your mama,’ Abby retorts, having no clue why Erin looks so disgruntled. ‘No, actually, I think the world of your mom.’

‘You guys put all that gooey stuff on the ceiling, you must have.You opened the basement door.You tried to freak me out.’

‘Er, babe, please, you know we wouldn’t do that…’

‘We did not open the basement door…basement door is open. Oh, my god, okay,’ Abby says, not taking her eyes away from the now inexplicably opened door.It is goddamn terrifying being in this house.

‘I didn't open it. Did you open it?’ Abby asks Holtzmann, who looks mildly offended at the question.

‘I did not open it.’

‘You know what, it was probably Ed,’ Abby says, turning to Erin who still looks decidedly freaked.

‘And the guy who didn't poop his pants,’ Holtzmann adds in, earning a glare from her girlfriend.

‘Uh-uh-uh-uh, look over there,’ Abby mutters quietly, pointing out of the window where they were both standing on the sidewalk, both Garret and Ed. Jr.All three of them are about let out a breath.

Then the PKE meter suddenly whirls around at a speed that could rival a drill.

‘I didn't even know it did that,’ Abby says looking up at Holtz who shakes her head, agreeing that she absolutely did not know the machine could do that.The tension has turned so high that it could be cut like a knife.

A sharp pain rips through all three women’s ears, and they all react with a small grunt of pain.

‘I… My ears just…’

‘Mine just popped, too,’ Erin lets out quickly, her breathing becoming erratic.

‘That is definitely…’

‘An AP-xH shift. Yes!’

‘I mean, for sure. That’s…’

‘Uh, guys?’

The other two turn their attention to Holtzmann, who looks at them before pointing at the door.A strange, blue light is glowing from the stairs, and all of them gulp simultaneously.

‘I don't think we're alone,’ Holtz whispers, looking over at Erin to see that she’s still breathing at an acceptable pace.She’s not entirely satisfied, but it would be a bad move to try and cross Abby to get to her now.

‘Holy crap,’ Abby breathes, ‘Let me have the camera. Thank you.’

Suddenly, the light creeps up, and before long, a terrifying real apparition slinks through the door, feet not touching the floor and a sly smile on the face of this blue creature, hovering above them all and glowing like something out of a bad sci-fi movie.Erin’s heart just stops.

Of course, it would if Holtzmann didn’t decide at this exact moment to pop open a can of pringles, and bite into one as if she was watching a shitty film.

‘How can you be eating right now?’

‘Once you pop, baby,’ she mutters, her eyes still on the apparition.

‘Are you seeing what I'm seeing?’ Abby whisper-shouts, glancing in Erin’s direction but hardly registering her reaction.

‘Good God. Class 4 apparition. Distinct human form!’Abby’s excitement hardly gets Holtzmann’s attention, because all she can do is keep glancing Erin.

‘This can't be happening,’ Erin whispers.Holtz barely captures it, and all she wants to do is grab her hand but she’s too far away and the ghost is creeping closer and it’s all becoming so incredibly real.

Suddenly, she seems to snap out of her paralysis, slowly walking over to the ghost, reaching a hand out tentatively.Holtzmann’s breath hitches.

‘I’m gonna try to talk to it.’

‘Uhhhhhmmm are you sure that’s such a good idea?’

Erin ignores Holtz’s caution, and proceeds to almost ignore Abby’s too.

‘Just be careful,she could be malevolent.’

‘Yeah, just make sure you're recording,’ Erin mutters softly, not taking her eyes away from the ghost. 

‘Yeah, I'm getting it all.’

‘Just be cautious,’ Holtzmann says, watching Erin’s every move.It’s not that she wants to seem overprotective, she’s just worried.Her new girlfriend could, oh who knows, get eaten by a ghost or thrown across the room.She has every right to be terrified right now.

‘I think she wants to communicate with us,’ Erin says, staring into the ghost’s black and then all too white eyes.

‘I knew it, I knew it, I knew it,’ Abby says, tears threatening to spill down her cheeks.

‘It's okay. She seems peaceful.’ _Sure sure, sweetheart._

‘Hello.’

‘I think you're gorgeous.’

‘Hello. Hi.,’Erin stammers, trying to come up with something that doesn’t sound ridiculous. ‘Um, my name is Erin Gilbert, Doctor of Particle Physics at Columbia…’

And just like that the conversation is over.

Because Erin has a ghost that Abby just called gorgeous ghost-vomiting all over her.Right in the face.If there’s one thing Holtz didn’t expect it would be that - and to be honest, it’s the lightest she’s felt since walking in this building.The ectoplasm she’d theorised about was real, and it is being deposited by the gallon all over her girlfriend.

This is priceless.

‘Yes!’

‘Oh, God!’ Abby says, hardly able to keep the excitement out of her voice as the ghost promptly finishes her puking spree and zips away from them, through a window.

‘She's getting away, come on!’

They all run out to the small outdoor courtyard, Abby leading them on their pursuit as they all exit through the gates, trying to see where the ghost went.

‘Where'd it go? Where'd it go?’

‘There!’

They see it fly away down the main street, zipping in its corporeal blue form away.

And it’s all on camera.

‘Oh!’ Holtzmann throws her arms up in the air, watching the ghost get away.

So much for being ‘open to believing’.She’s in now.This is finally the real deal, and goddamn, is it a rush.

‘What just happened?’

Erin is looking at her hands, and back up to where the ghost once was, her face the pure picture of shell shock.

‘Abby what just happened?’ she repeats, looking at her best friend.

‘I’ll tell you what just happened,’ she says, still holding the camera up and now pointing it at Erin. ‘We saw a ghost.’

‘We saw a ghost!’ Erin’s voice is a hell of a lot higher than normal, and she looks at her girlfriend who is now dancing around them, crazy stupid moves that put them both to shame.

It’s fucking fantastic.

‘Yeah, we saw a ghost!’

‘We saw a ghost! Oh, my God!’Erin begins to bounce in her spot, hardly believing every bone in her body.

She launches herself at Abby, who gladly takes her in her arms and embraces her.

‘We were right! We weren't crazy!’As she keeps dancing around, Holtzmann does register that. 

It gets her wondering, wondering what just might have happened for Erin to feel this way.To feel she was crazy.What were they not telling her?

She’d find out later on, but for now, she continues to celebrate with her lover and her colleague, bouncing around as Erin begins to scream into the camera.

‘We saw a ghost! Ghosts are real! Ghosts are real! I believe in ghosts 'cause I just saw one! They're real!’

As she finally finishes dancing off-camera, and Abby shuts it down and runs to grab a taxi cab for them.The street is a little sparse on cars at the moment, so she has to wait for a bit to cross the road to get one in the right direction.

Holtzmann faces Erin, who’s still breathing heavily from her exhilaration.

She hardly has time to register Holtzmann being in front of her when she leans in, wiping the ectoplasm off of her mouth and cheek, letting her hand stay there.She kisses Erin hard on the lips, and Erin melts, but doesn’t put her arms on Holtz because of the small problem of being covered in ghost puke.

When she pulls away, Holtzmann lets a smile creep onto her face, her eyes still determined as she looks into Erin’s.

‘Good snout you got there, Gilbert.’

‘Damn right.’

‘Hey lovebirds!You coming? Thought you might wanna wash that off before you get frisky.I gotta ring Patty!Also you need to tell Britt, this is gonna make her month!’

They let Abby babble on as they all climb into the cab, and Jillian glances at Erin, a smile gracing her face that simply says…

_Let’s do this._

The smirk she gets back is an answer overwhelmingly in agreement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Who's ready for some Ghostbusting?


	15. This Ain't No Time To Be Staying Home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's something strange in the neighbourhood, and the neighbourhood is finally starting to get its protectors.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Look, I have no excuse, I had writer's block, and it's Christmas, and I'm really, really sorry. I hope you enjoy this chapter. Also, FUCK 2016. Carrie Fisher being taken from us was like, the 10th step too far. Peace and Love.

'Britt, we got some pretty awesome news for ya.'

Erin, Holtz and Britt are lounging in the apartment, having picked up a pizza after a painstaking day of research.They'd put up a website so people could record their sightings; mostly before the last two days, it had only received things like hoax calls and exclamations that they shouldn't be doing any of this.They'd heard it all before, and Abby most certainly wasn't going to back down now.They're starting to get actual sightings, all over New York City, and Erin can't help but smile every time she sees the look on Abby's face when a new story pops up on the website.It's brilliant to see her best friend with so much light in her eyes. 

'Yeah, go on, let's heart it,' the girl says, almost disinterestedly as she picks up a piece of pizza, stuffing it in her mouth.

'Britt, smaller bites babe,' Holtzmann says.Erin tries to hide her smirk; it sounds strange, but so right coming out of Jillian's mouth.

'We saw a ghost today,' Erin all but whispers.That really gets the girl's attention.

'You didn't.'

'Oh yeah PB, we did.Class 4, so it had like a human form and everything.It vomited slime on Erin then escaped, it was awesome,' Holtz recalls, giggling maniacally as Erin pouts.She wraps her arm around her girlfriend fondly, kissing her temple before looking back at her sister.

'You're kidding me, so they really are real?' Britt asks excitedly, hardly believing her sister's words.

'Yup.In the flesh.Or...ecto-flesh.Whatever. Point is? We're not crazy.And we're gonna keep looking at this stuff, we think there might be some merit to it.'

'Well you haven't been wrong before, so I'm excited.Do you guys have a lab yet? Are you gonna keep working at Abby's work?'

Erin and Holtz share an uneasy glance, the memories of just hours before flooding back.

\-----

_'We're gonna get some more funding from the institute,' Abby says._

_'How's that?I thought this place was broke as it was,' Holtz replies, stripping a wire to pass the time._

_'Well no, it's not, we just haven't received much lately, I'm not really sure why.We just need to go upstairs and ask for more money!'_

_Erin walks in at that moment, carrying the usual lunch order for the three of them._

_'What was that about going upstairs?'_

_'Well we need some more funding so we can you know, further our research.Now we know ghosts exist, we need more materials for Holtz to keep making the proton packs and traps.'_

_'I'm a pretty resourceful person, Abs, I'm sure scrap would do.'_

_'I know that, Holtzmann, but we deserve better than scrap!We could make state of the art stuff and be known for this!'_

_Erin bristles at that, and Holtzmann notices immediately._

_'Okay, I'm gonna go up.Just you guys wait here -'_

_'What about me?' Holtzmann asks, leaning up in her chair a little._

_'Last time you went in there you pointed your prototype proton pack at him.It's safe to say he's terrified of you.'_

_'That's fair.'_

_'Okay!' Abby says finally, walking out of the room with haste._

_Holtzmann immediately wheels herself over to where Erin is perching on the desk, food left abandoned beside her._

_'Hey, EG.What's going on in that marvellous head of yours?'_

_Erin smiles weakly before sighing heavily, looking at Holtzmann.The concern and love in her eyes makes her wanna cry._

_'Don't get me wrong - I wanna do this, I really do.But my job is on the line here.If they see me and they know that...they know it's me, studying_ ghosts _of all things...I'm risking my entire life's work.They won't take this seriously, as much as they should.I've been called crazy too many times in my life to know I couldn't take it again.'_

_Holtz closes her eyes, grabbing Erin's hands.She opens them and looks up at her girlfriend, and sees unshed tears in the physicist's._

_'If you need to minimise your involvement in this, I understand.I know how important your job is to you - hell, it should be.I would have happily stayed friends with you if I hadn't been offered that NYU job because I know this is what you've worked your whole life for.But that doesn't mean you can't work behind the scenes.We need your theory, for the machines, and we need you because you're Erin fucking Gilbert, and something tells me this isn't the first time you've come into contact with a ghost.'_

_Erin flinches noticeably, and Holtzmann lurches, squeezing Erin's hands._

_'You don't - you don't have to tell me, it's not my place to ask.But know I'm here if you ever need to talk.Erin, baby, we need you. And I know in my heart that you can do this.I do. I'll do everything I can to make sure that you don't lose your job, because if anybody deserves tenure, it's you.Okay?'_

_Erin's properly crying by this point.She falls into Holtz's arms, leaning into her and moving the swivel chair Holtz is sitting on in the process, but it's one of the most encompassing and comfy hugs she's ever received.If there's one thing Holtz reminds her of, it's home._

_Erin pulls back a little, and Holtz just lets her sit on her lap as she calms down, rubbing her back slowly, and she lets herself rest her head on Erin's shoulder._

_A few minutes later, Abby walks up to the door, and they don't notice her at first.It warms her heart to know Erin has such a stable person in her life to depend upon when she can't depend on her._

_'He um.'_

_'What?'_

_'Yeah he just fired us.'_

_'What?!'_

_'He said no to the funding, and apparently he's had somebody monitoring us the entire time.He knows we've been studying the paranormal and he is not happy.We need to go.'_

_'I'll get the stuff together,' Holtz says, springing into action._

_Fifteen minutes later, they're wheeling a cart of equipment each out onto the front courtyard._

_'Where the hell do we go now is the question,' Abby says dejectedly._

_'No..no guys, I think we can really do this, I mean...we saw an actual ghost yesterday.A real one.The only thing we need to do is find a ghost, and trap it in a sealed containment unit so we can prove it!That's all!'_

_'Hey, there's the Erin I remember! Welcome back!'_

_'Nice,' Holtz says, her grin at full pelt._

_'Anyway, we should go, this stuff doesn't exactly...'_

_'You mean this isn't ours?'_

_'All stolen,' Holtz confirms with a wave of her hand._

_Behind them, the dean has come out brandishing a baseball bat._

_'Hey!That is property of this institute!'_

_'Scatter, scatter!'_

\----

'Well...not exactly.We're in the process of finding a proper HQ.'

'Like in Scooby-Doo?'

The two adults laugh lightly and look fondly at the little one.

'Yeah, like Scooby-Doo.'

The girl seems content with that, and so both adults relax a little.They've already made an appointment with a realtor for tomorrow morning, so they should be able to find somewhere for all the equipment.Meanwhile, the ever-wonderful Ernie has stored it in the ground floor room with no occupants.the three hope that the dean doesn't come looking for his precious equipment. 

A couple of hours later, Erin and Holtzmann are cuddled together watching some crappy movie, stealing occasional kisses and letting their heads lull a bit as the clock ticks towards midnight.

Suddenly, there's a rather aggressive knock on the door.The pair share a perplexed look; Patty hasn't called, and Abby would probably be asleep by now after the day she's had. 

Erin gets up, Holtz whining like a child as she leaves her on the sofa, and goes to open the door.

She opens it to a very pissed-off Patty, fire in her eyes.

'Why didn't y'all tell you saw a ghost?!'

˜()˜

'Patty would you lower your voice, please? Britt's sleeping.'

'Sorry, sorry.But for real? Y'all saw an actual ghost, like in the flesh?'

'Oh yeah,' Holtz jumps up then, a glint of glee and mania in her eyes, and Patty just raises an eyebrow at the antics.

'In the Aldridge mansion, just south of the upper west side.Mad, huh?'

Patty walks into the apartment, Erin closing the door behind her and folding her arms as she joins the conversation.

'Pretty mad.I still can't actually believe it.'

'Did you catch it?'

'Oh, hell no.My technology isn't up to that just yet, I'm working on it.'

Patty just nods, sitting down at the breakfast bar as she takes it all in.

'So what's your next move?Abby said she and Holtz got fired, so what's the plan?'

'We're meeting with a realtor tomorrow to find somewhere else.Hopefully we'll get somewhere, we're not exactly millionaires but the market's not terrible right now.'

'Oh, don't worry.I got you covered, girls.'

'Wait, what?'

'Yah, I know I guy who has a space in Chinatown.'

'For real?'

'Yeah, pretty cheap too.It might be a bit small, though.'

'Well okay, I mean we'll see what this realtor has to say tomorrow, but thanks for the offer.'

'Anytime, baby.How did Britt take it?'

'She's excited.I've always told her about the possibilty, so it happening is pretty mad for her too.'

'Huh,' Patty says, a ghost of a smile on her face.

'We have a website up, we're getting tons of legit sightings, or so they say - we wanna check some of them out actually.'

'Well I'll look it up, and get on some research if you like, might get some stuff done about legit sightings and stuff.'

'You got it, Pats, thank you.Means a lot,' Erin says, looking at her sincerely.

Patty narrows her eyes for a moment.They both know Erin has been hiding something, but as a good friend and girlfriend, both women know now is not the time.

They settle down, open a bottle of wine to celebrate, and once Patty leaves a couple of hours later, Erin looks back at Holtz and they share a beautiful smile. 

'This is really happening, isn't it?'

'Oh yeah, EG.It's happening alright.'

Erin sidles over to fall into Holtz's embrace on the sofa, and they don't move from there until the next morning, having fallen asleep in each other's warm arms. 

˜()˜

'Check it out, ladies - this is your new home.'

All three women are gaping at the abandoned firehouse with absolute surprise and glee.

'No freakin' way.'

Holtz and Abby sprint to the front door, almost bouncing on their toes as they wait for the realtor to open the door.Erin follow cautiously behind them, and she can't really help her gasp of surprise when she sees the sheer amount of space.

The two scientists run inside, Holtz cantering around the pillars and Abby hanging off them.They're just in absolute awe, and Erin can't help but look around and imagine what might come next.It's exilharating.

'Stripper pole,' Abby exclaims, pointing at it as Holtz hangs off her back.Erin pokes out her tongue, and turns to the realtor with happiness written all over her face.

'We'll take it!'

'Great! Okay the rent is 21,000 a month,' she begins, pausing to look at the other two.

Erin can't really help what comes out of her mouth next.

'Burn in hell.'

'Oh...my God.'

'Sorry, just...21,000? We can't afford that.'

'All your colleague told me was that you needed a place to "explore the unknown"'.

'Well yeah, we need to explore something a lot cheaper.'

The realtor looks pensive for a moment, before turning back to the physicist with an uneasy glance.

'Are you offended by the smell of Chinese food?'

˜()˜

That afternoon, Patty brings Britt to the restaurant, letting her sidle in and take a chair amongst the tons of scrap metal lying around.She's not certain it's safe, but there literally isn't much else in terms of options. 

'Y'all here?Told you this place would fit everything, talked to my buddy Benny downstairs, y'all are getting the friends and family discount.'

'Yo,' Holtz says, appearing from a rather behind a rather high pile of equipment, seeing her sister and going over to give her a quick kiss on the head. ' Thanks Patty, you're a star. Stay away from the metal stuff, babe.'

'Um, sure thing,' Britt says, her eyebrows raising as she looks around her.

Erin is unpacking a box in the other corner, Holtz going back over to her newfound workstation.

Suddenly, Rhythm of the Night starts playing on the old radio, and Holtz pops up from under the table, matching her dance moves to her work, making a right fool of herself as Erin giggles.

Britt just shakes her head and pulls out a book Patty had leant her on the history of New York City, Holtz setting something on fire and Erin having to get her to put it out in the background.

Abby comes over to interrupt them.

'Hate to, deBarge in,'she says with a grin, pointing at Holtz.

'Is that by deBarge?I thought it was DeVo,' she says pensively, not a second going past before she looks back at her work.

'Got a phone set up,' she begins, looking at the flyer. 'Good slogan, right?'

'If you see something say..something.'

Patty raises an eyebrow while Holtz cringes.

'I think um, I think that's the anti-terrorism line.'

Abby's face falls. 'It is, isn't it?' she walks to the kitchenette, away from the fray.

Suddenly there's a knock at the door.

'Hello?'

Erin looks up to see a tall, blonde man, handsome as anything, standing there with a grin on his face.

'Oh, uh, hi, hi.'

It isn't that Erin doesn't really, really love Holtz.She does.They haven't been dating long at all, but she's sure of that.She's just not...very good at functioning around aesthetically pleasing people.

'I'm Kevin, I'm here about the uh, receptionist job.'

Holtz looks up to see Erin losing her shit over this giant, and Britt stands from her chair to go and plant herself directly in front of Kevin.She's not jealous of the oaf; he's obviously not Erin's type, she's just not exactly...good at functioning around aesthetically pleasing people.Holtz is no stranger to this, but every time Erin looks at her, she's pretty sure she doesn't have anything to worry about.

Britt looks round to her sister, who raises her eyebrows and takes her glasses down to her nose.

At the same time, the sister chime in unison.

'Is this a big ol' robot?'

Their heads zip to each other, everybody apart from Kevin giggling at the reaction.

At that moment, Abby comes in once again, and introduces herself to Kevin. 

'By the way guys, I think I've got it.If there's something strange in the neighbourhood...'

'Who you gonna call?'

'Huh. That's pretty cool.By the way, just for...clarification, of sorts, I know I'm not a scientist and all, but I'm a part of this club, right?'

Abby sends Kevin over to their little reception, telling him to wait.Instead, he seems to just trip over everything including his feet, and look around as if the building has grown its own head. 'Well, yeah I think...I mean you've helped us already, you're one of our best friends...it's just a lot of science, though.'

'Look, I know y'all are the science nerds and you got the front end of this operation.But I know New York.You need me.Plus, I can get a car so y'all don't be having to lug this equipment around.What do you say?'

They look at each other, Holtz with a sly grin on her face, Erin with an accepting shrug as if it were always going to be the case.

'I didn't need much, convincing to be, to be honest,' Abby says, and the others shake their heads in agreement.

'Yeah!'

'Britt, don't play with the metal, everyone else, let's go see if we have ourselves a receptionist,' Holtz says, for once taking charge of the troupe.

At that exact moment, they see Kevin rub his eyes through his glasses.

'Oh, dear God,' Erin breathes, exasperation coming from every orifice.

Holtzmann just smiles and squeezes her shoulder as she goes past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wapow.

**Author's Note:**

> Hit me up and rant at me about this fic or my other fics @ superscavenger


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